If you are able to take care of your mother in her own home instead of assisted living and she is happy and healthy there, is it wrong ?

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There are five children in my family. I am the youngest. I have three sister's and one brother. I have lived near my mom and dad for the last 30 years. In the last 14 years I have lived two blocks from them. I took care of my parents for the last eight years when my dad developed alzheimers. I helped my mom out and Dad with everything and help them to live pretty much independently. My father died three and a half years ago and my husband and myself and our daughter all visited my mom daily and I took her to all her dr's appts took care of all aspects of her healthcare . I also cooked and cleaned for her and we kept her company made sure she got exercise and socialization and went out to the stores and to church and bingo and you name it! Her best friend lived across the street. recently my sister's took my mom out of her home and moved her into assisted living they said for a trial. Well that was a lie they moved her away from everything she has known and loved and told my mom lies about us that we just wanted her house and that she didn't want to live with us in her home. We offered for me to just move in with my mom and take care of her and my husband would just stay in the spare room with me a couple nights a week to start and then go from there. My sister's lied and said we were horrible giving her the choice of home. They are all capable of taking care of my mom and they won't. But we were more than willing. My mom asked to go home all the time the first 4 weeks and they told her you don't want to live with them! she loves me and I was there everyday with her and sometimes nights! They bullied and threatned my husband and my daughter and her new husband and got all my nieces and brother in laws to send us horrible threatning emails because they said we were cruel to mention home to her and we strong armed her and harrassed her day and night. They did this by forcing her to stay there until she repeated like a robot I have to do what's best for me. Now I have no say in her healthcare and I was the only one who took care of her healthcare! her leg is currently as hard as a rock and blown up! I told the nurse she had the dr. order a doppler test. I have been advocating for my mom since she has been there. I had told the nurses before and left messages for the dr. The nurse told me when I called for the results of the test because my husband and I were so worried! that I had to get that info from my sister and they could not give it to me! I was the only one that looked out for her. Her test came back negative for a blood clot but there is still something going on there! it is warm to the touch and still swollen! I can't stop worrying because now I only see her three times a week and have to do detective work when I am there and have to tell my mom to elevate her legs and keep giving her water. No they don't advocate for her at all. I also have to keep a calendar on the computer stating when I am coming now because I can't be there if they are there and they need to know when I am there.. They made up false accusations that I took money from my mom! She actually owes me for things but we love her and always want to please her buying her things and picking up the tab for things to make her happy. They have sent threats on emails and threatned my daughter and her husband when they visit accusing them of being cruel to my mom because during her trial they mentioned she had the choice of home. becasue the others were saying she had to stay there and they were afraid she would get depressed or give up! We all are hurting so bad.

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I just went through the same thing. It was my older sister trying to "suddenly" take control of my mother's money. I was also accused of doing things that did not happen. The truth eventually comes out, but it was very, very confusing to my mother. Just do the right thing. That is all you can do.
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wow you need to go to your mom and have her give you sole power of attorney so that you can get her home. Seek legal advice -do anything and everything. She will live longer at home and you love her so much dont give up until you get her home- please.
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ok now I will go back and read it all
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I cant even finish reading your post it upset me that much. You need to get your mom home and keep her there and take care of her. YOU ARE AMAZING!! your mom needs to be in her own home with her best friend across the street and they must have a life insurance policy on her or something. PLEASE get her home.
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If she's competent to make that decision to come stay with you, then by all means let her do it and keep it to yourself until it is completed. You can probably get her home in a day or less. If she's competent to sign a POA and willing to appoint you, have one drafted up and ask if the ALF has a notary or get one to come witness mom's signing. Once that's done, you are her representative and there's not a thing your sisters can do about it. And your home is your home. If they are to visit, then they need to behave themselves or leave. Once you have that, and if there's anything left at your mom's house, I'd change the locks on that until you can determine what will happen with it all.

From your psychological viewpoint however, my guess is first that you have to understand that your sisters have already poisoned the family well, so there's nothing here to be lost other than your last nerve and maybe a lot of guilt for a long time if you don't jump on this and advocate for her.

I have no idea what the family dynamics are, but it sounds as though there's a 2 against 1 power play or if they are money-grungers, perhaps that they are afraid they won't get what they think they should get. It's a tough situation, but it will get tougher as time goes by if you don't take a stand on it and take control of the situation.

Don't kid yourself about the money issue. It can be a big thing even if there's not much. My sister was ready to empty my dad's house a couple of weeks after my mother died, presuming of course that for the sake of family relations that none of her siblings would say no. As my folks POA, I just said no, changed the locks, and came up with a way that everyone agreed was fair to distribute the assets.

If she's not competent to make a decision and understand what she's signing over to you, you might have to have her declared incompetent. That's a long way in though, and even if there is dementia, even people who can't handle their own lives can make a decision to let someone else do it for them.
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brokensoul, my questions echo Nancy's. Who has DPOA and Medical Proxy? If you have been the one taking care of Mom, why don't you have it?

Is Mom legally competent? If so, she can make you POA and Medical Proxy now, and you can remove her from the ALF if that is what she wants. If she is competent to make her own decisions then that would be the easy solution.
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My mother fell and dislocated her shoulder about 3 yrs ago. Then she a heart attack and they gave her a shunt a year after that. All the while her memory seemed "Off". She moved out of the house she was in, and moved in with me and my husband for 6 months. She was just as difficult to live with as ever. Her reasoning abilities seemed to me to me going down hill, but she was still very aware of all that was going on, and still able to make her own decisions, but since my granddad, her father, died of alzheimers, I knew there were signs. She moved out into her own apartment about 25 minutes away, because my brother didn't have a home to go to, and she didn't want to live alone. So for the last 2 years she, my brother, and his girlfriend and their 4 yr old have been living with my Mom. I take care of all her doctors visits and recently, after she had another heart attack in Oct. of 2012, I got POA because her mind has gotten way worse. Over the last 6 months, she has come to the point that she can't do simple things like, remember how she is helped out of her chair ( her knees are bad too) to not remembering that she hasn't washed herself. I have been over and made her let me shower her, but she is a big woman and is very combative and doesn't want help, but complains about everything she does, that it "hurts". Sometimes I think some of it is put on. She is a large woman, and there is coming a time very soon that we aren't going to be able to help her. The doctor ordered home health and they are suppose to call and set something up. We do not have money to help my Mom. She only has Medicare and a fixed income. She has always said, she "doesn't want to go to a nursing home" yet, she putting a lot of responsibility on all her loved ones and has always been a selfish person, and I kind of feel like some of this is for attention. I don't know how to talk to her , because I don't know when it is put on, and when she is really in a "fog". How can I get the authority to have her transferred toa facility with out having to have her permission. I don't have the money for a lawyer and I don't know how much longer we can help her, physically. This very stressfull and I don't know what to do. Any suggestions? Thank you!
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Were you NOT the POA all this time for your parents? I don't understand how someone, even though they are family, could just up and do that without your permission. Who is taking care of her money? Whomever that is, they are the ones with the power I would think. If that person doesn't pay the asst. living, then how can your mother stay there? I think you need to go back to the point when your sister suddenly took control, and see what went wrong. Maybe then, you'll be able to undo this. Something doesn't sound right here, apart from the obvious.
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