My 4 siblings depended, even expected, me to be primary caregiver for mom for past year+. One did all paperwork for her, one sent $ for 2 nights per week private pay sitter, and the other 2 said don't call me but put her in nursing home cause I don't want any more to do w her care. Now all 4 decide to put her in nursing home and let me know night before they do it. She has dementia and needs and had 1 on 1 care at home w home health aids during day and me at night. After 1 week in nursing home she has already cut her leg and fallen twice and her arms are bruised where she is being forced to grab railings to stand etc. They are not mistreating her but she is not used to being rushed and forced to do things. Siblings are only concerned about their convenience not what is best for mom. Every time I see her she is crying or very upset. One sister is living in moms house and after only 1 week she is already selling off moms furniture! I'm just appalled and disgusted at the way they seem to want to hurry her death along! We all love her so much but it seems that she has become such an inconvenience for them (and they weren't even doing hardly any of the actual caregiving!!). I'm willing to do anything to get her out but I don't know how. I don't really know if I could actually physically or mentally take care of her anymore but am willing to try. My home is so tiny I would have to move everything out of living room to allow for a bed for her and one for me. And since my sister has apparently completely taken over moms house she may not be able to go back there and me move in there even though it is still her house. (I was not in on the agreement to allow her to continue to stay in the house rent free and take over either! That is our home place--for the last 63 years. We all grew up there.) How do I go about getting mom out? She is mentally traumatized (physically too) here (not purposely--but the effect is the same). Are there resources available? I have no idea. And how can I get over the hatred I feel toward my siblings? I've never had hatred toward anyone before in my entire life. I've never been so distraught over anything as what has been done to mom. She can adjust to the room. But every time she has to go potty or be put in bed she is traumatized and since she can't be left alone, she is put in a wheelchair and set in the hallway near the nurses station where all the traffic is ( and she can't stand all the strange people and the noise) and sits there all day long and some of the night as she won't stay in bed. What kind of life is that? Why can't she live out her last days in comfort and peace surrounded by people who love and care about her? Any ideas on how I can override my siblings decision? Any programs to help physically and financially? We're in Texas. No sense in mediation cause they have made their decision and they are sticking to it. One sister doesn't like it but she felt pressured by other siblings and her husband and she caved so she's sticking to it too. Sorry this is so long but I feel so desperate. I need some advice. Thanks

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You said " I don't really know if I could actually physically or mentally take care of her anymore " which tells me you have doubts. You stayed with her five nights a week and I'm sure that was exhausting. Caring for her 24/7 in your own place would be very bad for you physically and mentally. Maybe your siblings are trying to save two lives at the same time. Throw away your guilty feelings, you did all you could for her. There comes a time when we have to pass the caregiving to professionals.
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My suggestion is that you obtain an elder law attorney and go for guardianship over your mom. Once you have guardianship you can move your mom back to her home....if that's really what's best for her.

By the time you go through all of this guardianship stuff your mom's dementia will have progressed. If you remove her from the nursing home are you prepared to take responsibility for her?

Could the nursing home be the best place for her? Sure, it was wrong of your siblings to put your mom there without telling you but that doesn't mean that it wasn't a good decision.

Figure out what your motivation is here. Do you want mom out of the NH because you weren't in on the decision-making process? Or do you really think she's better off at home? Do you want to get back at your siblings by bringing mom home?

Your anger is justified. I'd be angry too. But this is about your mom and what's best for her. You may bring her home and 6 months later realize that you can't take care of her anymore. What then?

Figure out what is best for your mom. Not you. Not your siblings. But for your mom.
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HB, I am so sorry you are in this situation. You are not alone. A year and a half ago my two twisted sisters put a deposit on an assisted living apartment for our Mom and her hubby, L, to share. Mom is entering the later stages of Alzheimer's and L is not able to care for her alone any longer. He is quite with it mentally and when we were told that the twisted ones had done this our jaws hit the floor. Who did they think they were, making the application, and not telling us, I am caregiver to both, but not even mentioning it to him?!

Well, the proposed move was stopped. But, it is an ongoing battle with the twisteds about placing our Mom and L would have to follow. I don't have any idea how they proposed to get the first move done, without telling Mom's hubby or me.

Now there is a short list of four places that are being considered. Don't have any idea whether that will happen or not.

I have been doing this for nearly four years now?. And it is darn hard work that other family members do not recognize or understand. It would be so much easier with even a little bit of support from them. But, it will never come.

I do not know what you can do. Who has your Mom's power of attorney? Another move for Mom will only disorient and confuse her more. I am very sorry you are going through this. Hopefully others will add to this and I also will be watching for other input.
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