I am a caregiver in the middle: taking care of parents and dealing with a resentful spouse. Do I have to make a choice?

You don’t say how long you’ve been married, but if it’s a long time, your husband has always controlled you and you’ve let him, old habits are hard to break. Only you can (and should) say no to his demands. Let him become enraged. It’s his blood pressure. Carry earplugs and when he starts his tantrums, pop them in. When he says “Jump!!” You have always asked “How high?” What do you think should be done to remedy his behavior AND yours? Stop being so available to him? The online course was his choice, not yours. So why are you doing it for him? You are the only one who can control your own behavior. My bedridden husband developed the habit, when I’d get up, to always ask me where I was going and what I was doing. I’ve gotten in the habit of consistently saying “Nowhere.” and “Nothing.” It’s cut down on this annoying behavior by 80%.

Taking care of 2 sick parents is a phenomenal amount of work, even with help. And then to have to also deal with an immature and jealous husband and his nasty behavior is even worse. Even if you placed your parents in a facility, you’d still have to deal with and be subservient to this mean and unreasonable man. Who has to go; your parents, your husband or you? Something has to give. Maybe call or go see your local Area Agency on Aging to see if they can help you find someplace you could go with your parents. Or,do move them to a facility and then you, yourself find an apartment close-by them. The Agency can go over your options and help you find assistance.

How were things with husband before you began caring for your parents in the home? I know you say that it has never been great. Could it be addressed with counseling?

To me, I would feel unhappy, if my spouse insisted on caring for 2 parents in the home who are very sick and have dementia, without me agreeing to it. That can be extremely stressful. So, I get why he would be unhappy with it. And why he might be verbal about it. At least he's letting you know his thoughts. Plus, you have need for your life too. Not just your parents and your husband. You may be so overextended that you are spread too thin.

It sounds like he needs you to help him with some things too. To me, the spouse is the first priority, after yourself. I might explore other options for the parents care, but, if you want to separate anyway, I'd probably consult with a marriage counselor first to sort through your feelings.

It can be extremely stressful and exhausting to care for two sick people who have dementia in the home. It's likely you are fatigued. At least try to get some RESPITE time, so, you can rest and think things through, so, you are sure of what you want, before making any permanent decisions.

Your profile mentions Alzheimer's. Is this the case with each of your parents. That alone sounds like an impossible task. Why are you having to do so much with help for them daily? They each may need 24/7 care that 3 shifts if people at a nursing home would provide.

My dad has advanced Alzheimer's and is 93. He had cnas 24/7 for 8 hour shifts
They tend to him, manage his meds, cook his food, do laundry, keep the house clean, etc. My step sister who lives next door oversees them, take care of dad's finances and gets him to his doctor's appointments. She and her husband are free to do many things together and they are retired. I don't understand why the cnas for your parents can't cook, do laundry for them and manage their meds. That would leave you with only finances and doctor appointments to deal with.

I understand how you feel. Does your husband still work? Inside or outside the home? I question his ability to undertake this online course of he can’t figure out the assignments...is he doing it just to enlist your help to get some time with you even if it’s annoying time? My DH and I are pretty well organized people and I would hate to be pulled in many directions I may not want to go.
Heres what my DH and I have worked out. I leave for Moms NH daily at 10 and return home about 2:30. On Sunday we look at our calendars for appointments during the week and decide if that schedule needs to changed or it’s ok. Then, more on a daily basis in the morning, he figures out if he needs help with some task...finances, just holding the ladder for tree trimming, dropping off at car repair, computer help, etc. We decide if I can do it that day, and figure out if it’s before I leave or when I get back. My point is he (usually) doesn’t jerk me around with constant requests/interruptions, and I get to have a pretty well planned day. He gets my help and I’m not annoyed about it. So maybe you could try a more “planned” approach. Just a thought.

Another thought, the other thing we do is I will actually offer to DO the thing for DH that he needs done, in exchange for him going to the NH for a little while that day. I get a little break from my routine and he gets his thing done. Maybe something like that would help.

I agree with Cmagnum's post.

The CNAs should be doing more.

There are probably two separate issues here. The first is that your husband is clearly unhappy with the way your parents’ needs have turned out. Would you yourself have wanted them to move in with you on the current basis? Would you have looked at other care options? Perhaps you need to go back to the beginning and think again about whether they should both be living with you. When things change gradually, it can be easy to ‘cope’ with changes you never expected.

The second issue is that your husband’s unhappiness is working itself out in totally unreasonable ways. Has he tried and failed to talk the whole arrangement through again with you? Is he trying to make things worse to force you into thinking again? Or has he always been a pain in the neck, and retirement is just giving him more scope? Can you sit down with him and focus on your overall living arrangements, rather than on his unreasonable requests?

Perhaps thinking these things through can give you a start in a very difficult situation. Good luck!

Demstress. This is a little bit of a tangent but bear with me.

When you say "our relationship has never been great." Now: is that really true, something you've felt for a long time; or is it more about how you feel at the moment, upset and hurt because of how torn you are between your husband and your elderly frail parents?

LIFE IS TOO SHORT...as you probably have noticed for this man's foolishness and demon advised attitude. Show your husband the door to a nursing home (on his own money if he has any) or to a community shelter, and take back SOME of your joy in the midst of honoring your parents for a promise of long length of life. You go girl!

I consider myself to be a compassionate person, but if I was 70 and had my ill inlaws living with me I would be resentful and feel like my own clock was running down. Maybe he is taking the online course as a way to escape, keep his mind sharp, etc. It sounds like you need to explore other options for your parents, or just accept that you are sacrificing you & husband's lives/futures for theirs. It's really not a fair trade-off and it stinks so many of us are put in this position. There are no easy answers. My parents worked & saved for a great retirement but for a wide variety of reasons they were "done" before turning 75. I wish they would have packed more good stuff into the years between 65-75 but they seemed to think they had more time.

My husband was like that. After 20 plus years I finally filed for divorce. I had a wonderful friend tell me, "Sometimes it's easier to stay with what is familiar rather than leave". I was in the process of moving my mother in with me right after the divorce when she passed away. (He died 5 1/2 months later). I agree with Ahmijoy.

That's really tough. Spouses should be supportive. I don't know how long you'll be saddled with this burden, but maybe if you promised him a special trip, or other activity afterwards, he might be more accepting.

I'm thinking that if your 70 yr old DH is doing an online course for an advanced degree program - he doesn't sound like he's firing on all 4 cylinders himself. At a time when he is also winding down into retirement, why is he doing an online course for an advanced degree program??

We had a neighbor who used to be an accountant and every year took the H&R Block Course - but it was to keep up-to-date on doing taxes. Even that was silly because he no longer did people's taxes, but it kept him occupied.

I'm thinking that your DH might be starting "early onset" something - be it dementia or something else. I would mention his irrational behavior to his primary physician.

While 70 is no longer old - it is a time to start winding down from the working world for most people.

Instead of "saying no to his requests" - just start saying, "I don't understand it either, sorry I can't help you," and walk off to do your own thing.

To bring your parents into your home for caretaking should have been a joint decision. If it was a joint decision, remind him of that and tell him his schoolwork is his responsibility. If he can’t figure it out, maybe he shouldn’t be going for an advanced degree. At any rate you need to fullfill your obligation to your parents or have them go to a facility that can properly take care of their needs. You can visit as often as you want. I live in a nursing home and have seen people who get visitors just about every day.

you still have an obligation to your immediate family and must balance the two. Look to the Lord for guidance, yours is definitely not an enviable position to be in.🙏

My 92 year old dad does not live with us but he he has been a total wedge between my husband and myself. I cannot imagine him living here. Things would be far worse than they are. I work full time and go to exercise classes several times a week but Saturday afternoons are always spent with my dad (I try to not deviate from this as it sends him into 'anxiety mode' as it did Labor Day weekend when I couldn't be there.) It has been 3-1/2 years and I walk a fine line between my husband and my dad. My husband has not answered the phone when he calls in 9 months. Comments are often made that I am never available. We have been married 40 years and you know what? He's a big boy - he can do for himself. I do not wish this on anyone and would recommend thinking hard and fast about being the go-to for an aging parent. I was recently awarded guardianship and I have told my husband I need to step up to the plate more than ever. I have 3 siblings who do nothing, however, one did helped field dad's phone calls this past weekend (my brother said he called him 15 times on Monday when dad went into anxiety mode and I was out of town.) He finally has care that comes in 5 days a week for 1/2 days. Counseling has helped but the only thing that keeps me going with this is that someday it will be over - this is not forever. Either my marriage or my dad - one of the two of them.

You are in a tough spot.

I do do not think anyone can be prepared for the changes created when someone else comes to live in a family home. It sounds like your husband was used to you having time to meet all his needs whether reasonable or not. Now he is faced with your time being limited and having a temper tantrum.

Only you know if you can continue to live with him and if your marriage is worth saving.

As far as his course work is concerned, take a look at the section on academic misconduct in the syllabus. Also the section on available help through the program. When he asks you to help with it, point out that information to him. I am taking university courses in my 50’s done online some in class and I know that any reputable university or professional course provider has lots of help available.

If he is feeling lonely or neglected, invite him to help you fold the laundry, make dinner, do the washing up together. Point out that he is more than welcome to participate in activities to help you out, which will free up time so the two of you could pop out for a cup of coffee, or go to a matinee while the care givers are looking after your folks.

If you feel your marriage is over, go talk to a lawyer and find out what your rights are where you live. Be prepared for the changes that option entails. Could you ‘get’ the house and still live there with your parents, or would you have to look into assisted living or a nursing home for them? Would you have enough to live on? Can you afford to keep the full time in home caregivers? Keep in mind Medicaid rules and look back periods if you are in the US.

good luck.

Under what terms were the CNA’s hired? My mom doesn’t live with me but she has 24/7 care in her home, not CNA’s. They do all household stuff and care for my mom, but they were hired knowing this. My mom also gets Meals on Wheels so they don’t have to cook 3x day. But, to me it sounds as if you like your parents more than your husband and feel more obligated to them.
My FIL died at the June 28 and I told my hubby that I thought I could live with my sweet MIL, but we hadn’t discussed it with her. In two months, her health has taken a complete nose dive. Hospitalized twice for a total of 12 days, in rehab currently for therapy. Today, she sees a kidney specialist for a brand new problem. In that short of time, her health has become more than what I think I can reasonably handle. I can easily see how your parents health was a big knock in the face to your husband.

He is jealous of the time you give to them and not him, my soon to be ex is the same way and when I thought about it he was the same with the kids to the point he finally just distanced himself and stayed at work all the time. When I moved in with my father to care for him fully expecting him to follow later since it was the perfect opportunity to save money by renting our house out since the housing crash had hurt the business so bad. Long story short he has asked for a divorce which I readily agreed to.
This doesn’t have to happen with you and your husband providing he can agree to a schedule for your help and time together. Use the help you get to make the time for him, either several times a day or for a set block of time. I hope he will agree for your sake but I will say most of the time I didn’t even like my husband so the request for a divorce was actually a relief.

My FIL and disabled SIL lives with my husband and I became the resentful spouse in the relationship. I admit that I find myself getting jealous of the time my spouse spends on them but I do pull back and admit that they cannot fully take care of themselves. So I try to help them out with what i can because it is the right thing to do. Unfortunately, your husband needs to look at it that way. I agree that giving you busy work so that he can take up all your time is beyond selfish and childish. Also, what's up with asking you to figure out his syllabus and school assignments? They are his classes and he is a grown man. In your situation, you need to put your foot down and tell him NO to the busy work. Sit down with him and discuss the issues and figure how you can make time for him without running yourself ragged between your parents and his needs. If he refuses, do what you need to do for everyone involved while looking out for your well-being. If your husband starts making threats, call his bluff. I understand what it's like but your husband is taking things to a bizarre level.

You didn't say why they are living with you. Is it due to finances? If so you might look into other ways (Medicaid, VA benefits, etc) to get them to Assisted living or more help. I have our grown son living with us due to divorce and finances plus our grandsons 3 days a week when he has them. That's stressful enough plus the fact that I take care of my 96 year old father that I just moved into AL. As far as your husband goes, sounds like he's got a problem also. If he needs help reading a syllabus for a class, maybe he shouldn't be taking that course or any course for that matter. I'm all for education but that doesn't sound right to me. I'm afraid I would have to put my foot down about helping him out so much. Unless he's really not capable of doing things for himself (which sounds unusual for a healthy 70 year old, even my husband can make his own sandwich at 71) he needs to be set free to take his own online course, pass or fail. Sounds like you do too much for him and he's been spoiled (which I can totally identify with having spoiled my own crew around here until all Hell broke out 12 years ago then I had to put my foot down and say I couldn't do everything I used to do (although I still tried which made me even more frustrated) I also took care of my husbands parents until they went into nursing home. Sounds like you need to live 2 separate lives if you can't divorce. I'm sorry. That's no way to live a life. Good Luck and God Bless

So your husband agreed and encouraged you to have your parents move in when they were still relatively able to care for themselves.

Did you guys discuss the "what happens when dads bedridden? How do we deal with Alzheimer's?

My husband and I talked about the "just to much" issues before deciding and we both had deal breakers, mine is incontinence, I just can not deal, PERIOD. He can't deal with someone laying in bed hollering for others to do everything for him. Maybe some people find those petty, but we know are limits and instead of having a house of hell we really looked at and talked about what we could in all reality do.

Maybe your husband didn't think it would be forever, no matter what. You know the answer to that, please look at the hear and now of what their needs are, it could be time to place them and your not seeing that because you are burned out and just coping.

I pray you find a way to save your marriage and the best possible solution and care for your parents. (Sometimes, it's not us.)

Is it possible your spouse may have dementia? My spouse has Alzheimer’s and has a difficulty time with me caring for my 96 year old aunt in our home. Ours is a second marriage and he feels the house belongs to him and he is being taken advantage of.

Demstress, if you have to read his syllabus & answer questions about his online course, this is just a time waster! You have so many other more important chores, errands & I’m sure a ton of paperwork yourself. This husband is selfish. How long you’ve been married? How much longer can you care for your parents in your home? Can you help get your parents on Medicaid or do they have long term care insurance? VA benefits? I’m burned out just w my mother w dementia in the house. Im primary caregiver & the other caregiver who does about 43 hrs has been sick the past few days & I’m her backup...can you go on vacation by yourself for a long weekend? As long as you have help 7 days a week, can they give medicine? Good luck & hugs 🤗 to you

I feel for you, because that is a very tough spot. Taking care of even one elderly person is hard, even when there's good days! Taking care of two - that can only be harder in many ways as they are not identical twins! Oooh, I feel for you. That is a very difficult situation all by itself. But then: add a resentful spouse -- oh my. Something is gonna give. I think you'd best get counseling right away to start to see a path to making things BETTER. Maybe it is available through your employer? I don't know if funds are very tight, but you've gotta make yourself a priority too or you will develop serious health problems. I cannot advise you on the dynamics of your relationship with your spouse, but a trained professional can. All I know is that YOU need help for yourself. To cope. To survive, to take care of your own needs because all the weight is on you, really. Best to you. Let us know how you are....

Sounds like the situation has greatly changed since you and husband decided that your parents should live with you.  Why wouldn't these changes be the subject for renegotiation? I can understand why a spouse would draw the line at living without privacy, a bunch of strangers (CNAs) and a hospital environment. That is not a home. There are circumstances where there are absolutely no financial options/alternatives, but if there are then nursing home care seems sensible.  Health needs will grow, not decline.