How do you handle someone that everything you say takes it out of content?

Years and years and years ago, we had an Australian exchange student that took everything out of context. We finally had a heart to heart. I told her that I came from a family in which everything had double meanings. I told her that my husband and I didn't operate that way- she should take everything we said to her literally. Solved the problem, sometimes when she was beginning to get upset she would say "no double meanings right?" And then we would both laugh.

Yes JNX, I think you hit the hammer on the nail. I think that is it. He has a power struggle control. We had a meeting today and i have 1 month and a half to change my mind in staying. But i really want to walk out.Boy, I had it.
for me to really stay i have to see some changes, but i doubt that will happen. It's his personalilty.I really appreciated everyonr here. Your imput is very important and it helps me see things and a very different prespective. Thank you all for your support. I really feel i'm not alone now.

Yes JNX, I think you hit the hammer on the nail. I thaink that is it. He has a power struggle. We had a meeting today and i have 1 month and half to change my mind in staying. But i really want to walk out.But, I had it.
Boy for me to really stay i have to see some changes, but i doubt that will happen. It's his personalilty. Everyone here is very appreciated it. Your imput is very important and it helps me see things a nd a very different prespective. Thank you all for your support. I really feel i'm not alone now.

Calicaregiver, I agree with everything everyone said here. Every situation is different. Wee moved my 84 year old mother who has mid stage Lewy Body Dementia and goes in and out of lucidity;without warning She was verbally abusive and a bully to me and my 4 younger siblings. Now that she is here in my world I find it hard to deal with some behaviors. She has stood shaking her finger in my face and threatened to slap me. I won't tolerate that, I don't care what stage of dementia she has. I walked away. In the past 6 months I've regretted that I lost my temper and raised my voice to her on 2 occasions but,in each case, she changed her behavior. But again, I think every situation can be different.

Jeannegibbs -
I and others have suggested setting limits on behavior by respectfully but firmly telling the person that their behavior is not OK and walking away. In your experience, is that useful ever? Obviously it wouldn't work with someone who is extremely agitated or hallucinating. but might it lead to some improvement in a person with early or mid stage disease?

I was as thinking the same thing, Jeannegiibs ,! If they have dementia it would seem heartless to lecture them. But if not than , I guess, one can expect the elder to behave correctly.

I worked at a NH years and years ago ( I was 18-back then to be an aide all it took was a 6 week training session at the NH and a test) as an aide and my great aunt lived there. I would check on her and visit with her after or before my shifts and if I was assigned to her hall , well it was nice and I would kiss her good night ( I worked 3-11) and hug her as a niece to an aunt would ( I did not know until later that she did not realize I was her niece!haha) . Anyway, I guess she got used to the extra treatment and visits because I remember one shift I was on another hall and they called me down and said she refused to let anyone put her to bed but me. She was being a real stinker! And the aides were upset. Mostly because my sweet little aunt was calling the black aides horrible racist names when they tried to put her to bed ( she did not do this before I worked there. ) These aides were my friends and I felt HORRIBLE!!! I will never forget this night. Here I was, so young facing my great Aunt and I was upset at her racist name calling so I told her in a very very stern voice that she was to NEVER EVER treat anyone like that again and if she ever did that again I would not visit her at all!!!! She looked at me like a little tiny girl, her eyes swelled up and she just whispered an "I'm sorry". I told her I would visit when I could but I could not put her to bed every night. I felt horrible and I would never have said that had I realized she did not know I was her niece. But it did work. The next day I stopped by her room before my shift and she apologized to me. She remembered everything I had said ( I figured she would I did not think she had any memory issues just very old and fragile physically). The aides didn't have a problem after that. thank goodness. I was so embarrassed by her racist words!!! So I guess sometimes you do have to be stern. It is hard though.

I would simply like to observe that IF YOU ARE DEALING WITH DEMENTIA the rules change. A lecture like the one Calicaregiver describes is not as likely to lead to lasting improvements in that case. From reading profiles I'm guessing that dementia is not a factor among your clients. So, good for you!

People with dementia also "just don't operate the same way we do."

Yvonnel, Isn't life interesting? You want and need to be a loving and admirable person, and kind of expect other people to want the same thing. But there are people who love power more, or proving someone wrong, and they just don't operate the same way we do! Some people you can get along with, but for a small number of people, there will always be a basic conflict, and it may be best to walk away from them, if you can. Stick to your guns.

What i mean, it is a very difficult job to be a caregiver, we have to learn to deal with difficult people. I really love this forum.

Oh that is the sweetiest thing i have ever heard you done a great job.. I have the same problem with this old man i have.. Boy can he surely twist things around. The first time i heard him lie I gasped and i couldn't believe my ears. He can lie and the worst of all he says it in my face trying to make me look a liar. I had a meeting with family yesterday and told them i had enough. So today they took him to see an assitant living for him and wife.. He keeps telling my husband that i will change my mind, but i really had it.I do care for this couple. She is the sweetiest lady i have ever known and so is he, but when doesn't get his way he can surely maniplated his children in twisting things around to his favor and doesn't care who gets hurt in the process. It is very difficult to be a caregiver and learning to with a very difficult person.

One of the biggest shocks, and disappointments I had to accept when I became a caregiver was the fact that a sweet, little, old lady could actually lie, and manipulate as effectively as the most wicked of sorts out there! Dont get me wrong, my boss IS a sweet little old lady. She's a cute as a little 4' 9" , 89 year old soft spoken woman could be. However, over time, and in difficult situations I have come to realize that out right lying, and manipulating is not below her behavioral realm. The first time I caught her in an out right lie, I didn't want to believe it. The first time I listened to her throw a completely innocent person under the bus, I was shocked. The first time I listened to her put a vicious knife in my own back, I was mordified. My first thoughts were..."she's 89 years old! She's not supposed to be lying or manipulating or gossiping like this! I would hear her, and her sister just run some poor saps name to the ground. I mean TO THE GROUND! I lost a lot of respect for her do to his behavior. Ones any, when she was in a very particularly viscious mood, and exterminating one of the previous caregivers that was actually a pretty good caregiver...(just annoying) I had it. She was saying the ugliest, most outrageous things about this woman, and I finally couldn't take it anymore. I told my boss, in the most respectful way that I could, that she was almost twice my age, and that she should be setting an example, that she was a role model for me. I told her that I was the one that should be learning from her, and it felt like the other way around. I told her that it was ugly, and negative, and very immature to act the way she did. I told her that she was too old to lie, and manipulate, and that she was setting a very bad example. I told her that I lost respect for her, who I once admired, and looked up to. I realized in hindsight, that she was probably like this her whole life, and couldn't help but wondered what the path of destruction was like that she mustve left behind in her prime years. I felt that just because she was 89, and she was "in pain" or "didnt feel good" was not an excuse to say the things she did about people. I held her accountable for the lies she told, and I made sure she knew what the consequences had been for people she told lies about. She's much better now, and doesn't gossip and lie about people like she used to. Either that or she just doesn't do it around me. Her ability to twist, and manipulate the truth was mind boggling. Had it not been such a wrong thing to do, I would've been in awe at her capabilities! It didn't change over night. It took a lot of calling her out - right then, and there...always in a respectful manner. But, eventually she improved, and now she knows that the person that looks up to her is always watching her, and how she handles certain situations, and people. I think she likes who she is a little better now too. She knows her actions leave an imprint in others lives, and that's a big responsibility. I just love her so much!

Thank you nancy great advice

You said it yourself, it's the way he sees things. I'm not sure you can change how a person 'sees' things, especially if that's the way he's bent. Maybe by making him repeat everything you say back to you, would help. At least you'd be able to hear what it is HE'S hearing you say. I don't know. Sorry.