When will I get over feeling guilty about not going to the nursing home to see my mother?

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Mother passed away on March 1, 2013. I had put off going to see her time after time. On the morning of her passing I was begrugingly getting my things in order to go visit. My sister called saying Mother had been taken to the ER and could I get there asap. Not realizing the severity of the matter (thought she just had another UTI), I pretty much took my time. That was around noon. The ER doctor advised calling the family...she passed at 4:00pm with family members present. We sang some of her favorite hymns and one of her sweet pastor friends prayed for her. I am crying as I write this post...I wish I had been a better daughter!!!

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I am so sorry for your loss. Let me repeat earlier posts and say please don't beat yourself up for being human! No one dies alone, they are then as they always were, in God's hands. Not one thing happens in this big wide world that is not closely and tenderly supervised by our dear Lord, for his purposes. He forgave you long before this happened, that is, if there was even anything to forgive.
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I'm so sorry for your loss. I think we will always question whether we did enough or not. Please don't let this eat away at you. Your mother knows you loved her and did the best you could under the circumstances. Find a way to honor her memory and
continue to talk to her and look to her for guidance "up there". I pray for peace for you.
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(((HUGS))): I want to tell you how sorry I am for your loss and for what you are going through right now. At times like this I would give my eye teeth to have a magic wand that I could twirl about to ease someone's pain. All I can do is send you a "virtual" (((HUG))) and tell you that I understand.

I think many of us know what it's like to lose someone we love and feel terrible pangs of remorse over things we think we should have done but didn't do while they were here with us.

Please don't beat yourself up for being human, You are not a cold-hearted person, and you are not a bad daughter. If you had known that you were to lose your mom you would have done what you could to be there. We cannot predict when these things happen. Sometimes a parent has a very long string of illnesses, and it's impossible to be there during each one of them. Also, it's not uncommon to become so accustomed to a parent being ill that their illness almost becomes a part of their identity; it ceases to be a matter that can take them away from us, and begins to feel like something that just defines who they are. Sounds strange, but this is so much more common then you realize.

I promise you that you are not a bad daughter. You didn't know that your mom was so urgent. Had you known, I've no doubt you would have moved heaven and earth to be there with her. You're very much in the process of mourning. We wear our heartache like a heavy cloak around our shoulders when we've lost a loved one. The pain of how permanent their absence feels is tremendous, and we become full of regrets about things we should have done.. Nothing feels right, and we pick ourselves apart, beating ourselves up for things we did or did not do. I think most people go through this to some extent, even those who were right there with our loved one when they passed.

Right now you're shrouded in pain and this will cause you to see things in a very harsh light. But with time, the pain subsides little by little. As it does, you will be able to think about things in a way that is more subjective and clear. Give yourself time, and please don't be down on yourself.

XO

(((HUGS)))
XO
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Nothing you can do about it. Our loved ones souls live on. Your Mother understands.
My Mother is still alive at 95, and I dread going sometimes, but I am her only visitor, poa, the "chosen one." I think about it every day, count the days since I last went--it is never more than 3--but I still think about it 24/7. It's exhausting. I am a good daughter, I do as much as I can handle on any given day.
I have thought, "if she passes on a day when I have not been there for 3 day, it is not my fault." God appoints the time for each of us. WE do not have the power.
Maybe you have learned one of your lessons and it will make you more aware of the next person in your life that you visit. Who knows? Take it easy and do your grieving, remembering the positive things. All of us do the best we can:) xoxo
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