I have been a caregiver for my wife for 5 years. She was diagnosed with scleroderma. I love my wife and I am glad that I can take care of her and love her. I am tired and losing energy. I try to stay as busy as possible so I don't have to think about what if. I never knew you could grieve for someone that is still alive. My wife is pain 24/7. I feel so bad for her. I feel helpless and it brakes my heart. I use to have so much energy and now I am tired. I never thought I would say that I am depressed but I am. I fear that I will find my wife dead. If I can not deal with it now how am I ever going to deal with it when she is gone. I am physically, mentally, emotionlly exausted. My health is being affected. Everytime I go to church, I just cry. I have never felt so many different types of emotions. How do I deal with all of this and where do I start?