I am the caregiver for my mom, who. Has end stage MS, and also take care of my father. I do all the cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping, cooking, as well as look after my mothers daily needs (her meds, keeping her clean, changing her catheter, etc). My father has been abusive my whole life, and this has not mellowed with time. I had the flu this weekend and had to literally hide in the tiny room that is my "space" and listen to him hurl all sorts of accusations at me (I was upstairs doing drugs, I was lazy, etc). Despite everyone in the area having this it's going around, my having it must be a fraud. He is a disgusting person when he is like this , but the flu is not the only time he hurls abuse. He has vodka hidden in the garage and when drunk, he gets very ugly, and includes hurling abuse at my mother as well. I don't even drink, but I've seen him tear apart our self esteem our whole lives. He treats my siblings who do not even visit much less help out, with nothing but kindness. If I leave, my mother will go into a nursing home, which I do not want to have happen. When I've tried to talk to my siblings, I've been told I live here rent free so if I don't like it, leave, or I am reminded that it is his house. I don't know what to do. Sure I can prove a point by leaving but the result would be to harm my mother, the innocent victim here. Any advice?

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You know had the same happen with me... mom was in her house with son liveing with her since 2nd grade....he still there now 50... I used to visit my mom and they would argue in front of me... so im sure it was worse when i was gone... she said i want to die in this house.. i said mom this home does not love you i do... you said you wanted your mom to be can she with your dad verbally and emotionally abusing wouldnt allow someone in a nursing home to treat her that way... so why let your dad do it... shes like a child who cant protect or make decisions for need to.... sorry for the hard truth.... my mom now lives with me for the last 5 yrs. brother put his name on the house 1year before she was diagnosed with dementia/alz.. my mom is now comfortable, safe and unafraid as your mom should be.
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I wish it were that easy. I hate to sound mean, but if it were him with the physical issues, I would walk away with my mom and not look back. But it is the woman who literally gave up everything for us as children, and I don't think I could live with myself if I put her out of her house. She is totally dependent on me and I retired to be able to give her my time. I understand there are many situations in which a NH is the only answer, I respect those people who have to make that decision because I know it's not an easy one. But here, she would be the one uprooted because of him. I just want what time she has left to be comfortable...
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Move out, the only way to break the cycle of abuse is to break free. Move mom to a nursing home near you and visit often. Her doctor can recommend a proper facility. Petition for her guardianship and cite his alcoholic dementia. If he's abusive to you, he will be no better with her. You know that.
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