My husband and I never really had a chance to be alone in our new home, new city/state and new marriage. In the beginning he graciously accepted my family members. He and my sister still get along great but his relationship with my mom has deteriorated. She has some signs of dementia, has become paranoid and accusatory. Although she was a good mom to me growing up, she is also somewhat controlling. I was an obedient child and I guess it's spilled over into my adulthood. My husband feels my mother is very ungrateful and thinks she takes advantage of me. I cannot totally disagree, however I'm her youngest child and we were always very close. After almost 7 years I'm feeling burned out, my husbands feeling neglected so we decided to take a much needed vacation. Since they need around the clock care, the best option is to place them in a nursing home. I know my husband and I need some alone time to reconnect however I still feel guilty leaving my family in the care of strangers.
Also, I'm afraid he no longer wants my mom to live with us. Although my mom can be a handful, I wouldn't want her to live the remainder of of life in a nursing home. I love both my husband and mother dearly. Any insight or words of encouragement would be appreciated.

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Caregiving can destroy families and marriages. If your husband has shared with you that he is feeling neglected please take this to heart and place your marriage above your caregiving duties. Changes may need to be made, more help may be necessary, but marriages that are neglected over time wither and die. I've been there.
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I am in the SAME boat. Here's my situation and suggestion.

My wife and I moved into my parents' house to take care of Dad who was terminally ill. We took care of him until he passed in 2012. We bought the house, renovated it (sure enough marital problems arise with home improvements ha), and now, we have my 76 year old very mobile mom (well semi-mobile). She has no car or way to get around. She still cooks and does things around the house for herself. We have two separate living quarters because it's a fairly large house. So there's no complaints about privacy however, it's the guilt of leaving her alone.

I'm the youngest of three sisters. She only wants to be with me and my wife. We are truly best friends, but my wife and I haven't had a moment together alone, like just out to dinner or lunch together -- ALONE. There was NO alone time. So, I spoke with my siblings and asked if they could just invite her over their house once in a while because well, they usually don't. And when you ask, you usually receive. This has helped. Invite someone to stay with her if you and your husband want to have a nice dinner out together.

You need what I call "sanity space". And in a way, it's like having a child. Your parent becomes your new child so to speak in different forms, but needing you, requesting of your time and that means that your significant other will either feel neglected or jealous of the time spent, perhaps even resentful and worn out.

It has put such a damper on my marriage, but what we're trying to do is incorporate healthy boundaries. And when our mothers decline and it gets worse, we MUST hire medical assistance or ask relatives to step in when you need to step out.

I hope things going ok for you. I know this situation all too well.
Helpful Answer (0)

Your relationship with your husband should take priority. Your mom's symptoms are only going to get worse and she will reach the point where she'll need to be in a nursing home. However, you are already burned out and your husband is feeling neglected. This is not a good mixture. You and your husband need to have a very honest and open discussion about this. Also, there is no need to feel guilty over one day choosing to place your mother in a nursing home not so much with strangers, but with trained people who can go home after 8 hours, have a life and come back not burned out.
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