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At 92, Mom is still mobile, although she does have dementia and is somewhat frail. We moved her after Dad passed away in late October, as the old house was just too big and in need of too many repairs. There are activities every day at the assisted living facility, but I still feel so guilty if I don't take her somewhere every day. I live close by, so this is not terribly difficult for me, but sometimes I just want to stay home and work in my yard, see friends, or clean my own house. She is not demanding, but I still feel this nagging pressure to be with her every day. Two of my siblings live out of state, and one is about an hour away, so I am the logical caregiver. Does anyone have any suggestions? Thank you!

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Why don't you set up a day to do something special with your mother? Then, you don't have to go every day. Is she able to call you? Can you speak with her on the phone and say, I am gardening today or what ever. My MIL likes to go to the activities and then, watch her show. She doesn't want someone there all of the time.
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Thank you so much, sympavt! I feel better already!
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I went to see my mom in the AL every day at first. But I realized that she was not interacting with the other residents because she always had me to talk to and would wait for my visit.
I gradually "weaned" her from expecting me every day. It started when I had a cold, so I told her I couldn't come for a few days. Later, there was a quarantine at the AL and no visitors were allowed for several days. She started going to play bingo, and joining the exercise group in the mornings. She went on a couple of outings to see the Xmas lights, to see a play, etc. The staff got to know her and she enjoyed interacting with all of them.
Now I go an average of 3 times a week. I try to visit on one of the weekend days, because those are the slowest and it's when I take her out to eat or to visit the grandkids and great-grandkids.

I still feel a little guilty sometimes, but she doesn't have much sense of time anymore. She thinks that every day is Sunday. When I leave her, I tell her that I'll be there in a day or two. I call her every day and we have nice chats. She calls me if she needs me and knows that I am nearby, but she also is proud to have her own space with a bathroom all to herself. When she visits our home, she notices that our toilets are "low" (hard for her to get up off of them); our dining chairs don't slide easily like the ones at the AL; there are 3 steps to get up to our main living area, and those are hard for her to navigate. At the AL, she can walk all around, use the toilet unaided, and do so many things independently because the place is built to accommodate the frail and elderly people who live there. She feels so comfortable and secure there; it empowers her to do things for herself, and she feels productive and independent.

Try to let go of the guilt, Quinault. I know it's hard, but you are doing so much for your mom. She is lucky to have you nearby, but she needs to interact with more people than just you. Try to find little reasons why you can't come today, with a promise to come tomorrow or the next day. Say it with a smile and a hug, and lots of reassurance that you will never abandon her.

Then, take a day or two off. You'll feel so refreshed - you deserve it!
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Did you spend every day with your mom and/or dad before your dad passed away? If not, then why now? Are you feeling like she could pass any moment too and don't want any regrets? That is possible - but that is possible with any of us. You sound like you've been a great daughter with both your mom and dad so don't feel guilty. If anything, if you don't come every day, it might encourage her more to get out and make new friends at the Assisted Living facility. And you definitely need to take time for yourself and your life. If she's in a good facility, then she will be all right if you don't come every day. And if it makes you feel better - maybe call her in the evening to see how her day went. Take care of yourself - that's what your mom would want you to do. :)
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Something else to consider -- maybe your mother would like some time to herself, too. She might want to tell you to stay home sometimes, but doesn't want to hurt your feelings. (This might be a good way to approach her about not coming over so much.) She may make friends there faster if she was left on her own for most of the time. That would be nice, since the people there are her own age, so would be fun for her.
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I think it's important to take time for yourself and not feel guilty about it..you deserve care too! I completely know that feeling of pressure..and sometimes it is very hard to resist. Just remember that without self-care..and that's anything that gives you a chance to relax and regroup..you'll likely develop resentment towards the time spent with your mom, and that's not healthy. Give yourself permission to take that time when you need it.
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