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I have not got much help! My mom has too much in her IRA for any assistance,and will not let me hire someone to help me.we had a goold done,which was a total waste of time.How do you all deal with every day being the same..no help in sight and I am running out of hope.

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Hi, Spooky, been there, done that. I'm an only child, sole caretaker for 12 years for my 103 year old mother with increasingly problematic dementia who finally died in February. One of the manifestations of her dementia was that she thought our long-time cleaning lady, who after many years was really an enormously family friend, was stealing from her: stuff like the sink strainer, a tub of margerine, a ratty old cleaning rag that 20 years ago was a dishtowel. I also learned she was calling the cleaning lady repeatedly and accusing her of all kinds of things. Fortunately this angel of a lady had a dad who had Alzheimers so was very understanding but it killed me that my mother was mistreating her like this. I finally put my foot down with mom and just laid down the law; she did not want this lovely lady to keep working for her but refused to consider a professional cleaning service. I told her in no uncertain terms (repeatedly) that I would do just about anything for her but I was NOT going to be her maid, and of course she was unable to do her own cleaning. I cooked it up with the cleaning lady that she would just not show up for a few times. As mom's place got messier and messier, I continued offering to call a cleaning service, which she continued to refuse, but I did not back down and continued to remind her that I was not going to be her maid. (I continued to do everything else including help her bathe, dress, etc. etc.) She was not happy but finally got the point; at my insistence she apologized to the original cleaning lady, agreed not to call her anymore, and she came back. It was tense, but the point was made. I absolutely believe that even with dementia these people can control their obnoxious behavior at least to a degree if required to do so. Terrible thing to say but when she finally died I felt as if I had been let out of jail. Caregiving is a very, very, very difficult row to hoe. At some point a boundary has just got to be drawn; in this situation I felt like if I gave in to this particularl I would have lost even more of myself than I already had. I was drowning; it was absoloutely necessary for my own sanity to draw this line in the sand. God bless all of you.
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Mom treats you like crap too, but your there. Be honest with your sister, you need her to do more. Can your Mom be left alone for a short while? Take care of you first. Treat your mother like your in an adult to adult relationship, not a mother to daughter relationship. When my father acts like an idiot, I let him have it with both barrels. Old and sick doesn't mean you get to treat people like crap especially the one making your life possible.

One of the hardest parts of caregiving no one talks about, is your always working outside your comfort zone. A plethora of quilt, inadequacy, and fear overwhelm you. Don't let it. Confront your mother, tell her why you feel like crap when she behaves a certain way. Start a dialogue, maybe she has fears and pain causing this behavior. Don't accept it as normal.
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My sister takes her shopping on saturday for 2 hours.She cannot walk very long as she is very much out of shape.My sister has POA,but we cannot do anything unless she is deemed incompetent by 2 psychiatrists.My brother has not seen her in 7 months.He is not willing to help.My sister does what she can,but mom treats her like crap so she can't do much.I am so afraid when my sister starts back at school in september (she is a teacher),that I won't be able to stand it ....will see what I can do,but its daunting.She hates people (my mother)...
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Sometimes giving the elderly a choice works. I have learned to explain the problem to my father and ask him for a solution. for example, "pop I am so tired, I will break, if changes don't happen". Then I tell him exactly what i need, sometime off to myself, and give the choices, outside help or him asking one of my sisters for help.

Do you have any siblings? Tell them you need time to yourself, please take Mom out for a few hours. Can you afford to hire outside help? Does your area have adult day care, or an elderly center, check the blue pages of phone book, or go to your local library. My librarian points me in the right direction on obtaining help. Good luck, make this happen, you need it.

I found a spot in my local nature center, I hike to my bench; sit under the oak trees, and watch bluebirds frolic on the fence. I allow the beauty to lull me, and i thank God for all my blessings. It soothes me and I feel at peace. Home is where you find it.
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Contact your local aging services (not a company)
Or nursing home. Talk to someone about
restbite care. They could take care for
A couple hours to a couple days. This
Was created to help give rest or backup
Plans for care, for those caring for their
Family.

Good luck
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Do you have POA? I pray you do! You will have to make some decisions here that will help you or you will end up resentful . Respite care perhaps so you could have a weekend a month off or a day a week? No one can do this forever and it is only to get worse. Not to be negative, but we really need to look down the road and try to see where things are going to pace ourselves now. Debraless was right on target. What you put up with , you end up with!
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She has moderate dementia and is somewhat functional,but she is not cooperative in the least..lol she never really was dementia makes it worse.
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Your house, your life. Your mother can chose to honor your wishes for the extra help or find alternative living arrangements. This site is full of problems dealing with elderly parents who expect impossible demands on their adult children. Don't allow yourself to become another victim of those demands.
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Oh Spooky!
Sorry you are feeling hopeless but that is Normal because this is such an insane situation.
Listen to Sonya! That's what we have to do with elderly is stand our ground and do what has to be done regardless of what they say. They are not the only people in the equation!

1tried knows too. You have to have time to yourself or you will go bonkers!

lovbob
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I understand where you are coming from. My mother, who is 90 years old, and of sound mind, wouldn't let an aide come to her home to help bathe and dress her two days a week for an hour each time. The service was free since she qualified. She told my sister and me that it was our "duty" to take care of her. We do take care of her, but we also need time to ourselves. Finally we just insisted that she allow the aide to help. She tried to make us feel guilty, but we held our ground. An amazing thing happened. After the aide started coming, my mom got along with her so well that she wanted her another day a week and was even willing to pay to have her come. You need to stand your ground or you will never be happy. You will resent what your mother has done to you.
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You HAVE to carve out some time for yourself. It is beyond difficult if you don't have some help, but well worth it. Is your Mom mentally OK? Why would she not want some help?
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