Not sure what I need, but feeling lost. Does it get better?

Well, I will share with you that this is a process. Yes, it does get better. I will state however that you have far too much on your agenda if you are working full time at a high stress job, (does your mother live with you)? and you have high schoolers. That is just too much for one person to handle. The reason you feel overwhelmed is because you are overwhelmed. Do you have anyone else in your family that can assist you. The kids are pretty much in your house until they move on, but your mother is your mother, and I totally understand. My mom has Alzheimer's and I had to place her in Assisted Living, and it makes me feel awful, but I know without a doubt it was the best decision. Saying that however, I realize that that is very expensive and most people cannot afford that unless, they are selling your mother's house etc. I would recommend to reach out to the senior centers in your area. I know there are some very kind volunteers that will come and assist you, but if you can afford it, you need to find some help. No you are not slipping away or on step away from losing your mind, you have to re prioritize all of the things that you have. What if you took a far less stressful job. Would that work? I am thinking of you, and know that many of us, feel the same sense of wishing it was the way it was years ago, but we have to accept what is. Take care and good luck.

You need to follow kaydeb's advice...I will take it one step further, my husband has Alzheimer's, it is mild to moderate, he still does a lot for himself, but we started our journey 6 years ago, the changes are hard to watch, the more I had to do, the harder it got for me, I went to counseling, that helped some...I do not have a full time job, my kids are grown and out of the house, I worked part time until 3 years ago, my husband did not want to be alone, so I quit work and stayed home, I went crazy, tried everything I thought of to help me cope, meditation, prayer even working from home, I bake and cook for people....finally I realized I needed to talk with my family doctor about medication for ME! I take an anti anxiety med, it helps me to cope with the day to day issues...I thought that made me weaker, needing a drug, but when everything seem to be imploding, well, it has kept my head above my stormy seas...you can't give 100% to your family! your mother and your job...prioritize, get help from others, get help FOR YOURSELF, if you don't stay healthy physically and mentally, YOU can't help anyone...

no it doesnt get better....there are brief moments of calm...but no. im going thru it w/dad. so sick of it all

Thanks for posting this question and the responses that were given so far. I am also feeling lost. I take care of my father who has dementia. I am completely overwhelmed and feel like darkness is looming over me. I am noticing that I am beginning to have major anxiety almost reaching panic mode. I am considering medication for myself.

Thanks again for sharing.

I not only sympathize with you, but I can relate. When my husband started his downhill process, I was so scared, befuddled, lost, confused and upset, I just wanted to turn and run. If your Mom doesn't have an aide, she needs one...you cannot do all this yourself. Trying to juggle all you do will take it's toll on you...remember the first rule of caregiving: TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF FIRST. I know that sound selfish at first, but if you don't, you won't be able to properly care for your Mom. Think about it like the airlines do: Put on your oxygen mask first, then help others. The same logic applies to caregiving. Educating yourself about what is going on will help to. There is a lot of information out there. I don't like that the doctors have just shrugged off the problems of the TIAs. You need to find a GOOD neurologist or elder care doctor. Talk to the local Parkinson's chapter, Alzheimer's Association, etc. They will have some leads for you. Call the office, talk to the staff, get information. Don't be afraid to ask questions, questions and more questions. I disagree with josiep; it CAN get better if you put you trust in God and learn acceptance. Once you do the strength and courage will come and then peace and joy will follow. It's a long process. Pray, talk to a clergy person or a trusted Christian friend (or whatever faith you might be). Read a book called "The Language of Letting Go". This will help you put things in perspective. Most importantly, ask for help. You do NOT have do this alone. Your Mom's constant falls are not "normal". She could seriously injure herself and she may not recover. This MUST be addressed and not just brushed under the rug because the doctors you've been seeing don't know. Good luck and God bless.

I don't have as hard as some on here, but I do take care of my elderly mother who has COPD and is on oxygen 24/7. She doesn't drive and doesn't have friends. She moved next door to me 2 years ago after my father died. I just went through chemo and radiation for breast cancer. Siblings don't help and I thought I could lose my mind at any time. I talked to my doctor and he put me on Lorazepam. Believe me this really helps with the stress. Talk to your doctor.

Thank you for the responses...need them today even more then when I posted this. No mom doesn't live with me because I am about 60 miles away from everyone, so I am not actually doing the day to day care for her. I am very blessed that i have two wonderful amazing sisters who live within 1 mile of our parents home and can go home multiple times a day and check on her, help dad, keep the home functioning. But because of this I feel guilty, i am constantly trying to go home, calling, texting, checking in, figuring out how to add one more trip there into an already crazy schedule, besides dealing with the emotional side of just not knowing. She fell 5 times yesterday and her doctor is giving us the run around on getting her a wheelchair. Luckily we were able to get into the neurologist this morning. We are hoping he will order the wheelchair for us. She can't keep falling that we know. And I don't know how much more we can do, she fell yesterday with double assist from my father and sister while trying to get on the bedside commode. My sister who is a nurse is going with mom and dad today, so hopefully we can get some answers and try to figure out what is going on and where we go from here.

I did start back on an antidepressant (I love my wellbutrin) in September. I have been contemplating a phone call to get it raised, but I guess I need to. I can't leave my job because honestly it's my light in a very dark world (I am a mental health therapist with children/adolescents/teenagers). Though it is very stressful it's a different kind of stress then dealing with a loss of my mother, I have always been the go to person with my mom, she has Bipolar DIsorder and I have been the one she will listen to, make changes, do what she needs to so that she can stay healthy. I have been able to do all this from where I live, with often trips home, phone calls etc. But now i can't do anything, or so it feels that way. I can't fix her falling, I can't figure out why she is getting so weak so fast, there is no fix and that is driving me crazy...Gotta love the therapist brain that just knows there has to be a fix here if I can just find it...but I can't!

I am working on handing off some of the commitments for my kids to others where I can. Luckily we have a blended a family where everyone gets along and works together (though a long time ago I took over all aspects of their day to day care/planning etc because their mom couldn't), so their biological mother is stepping up some and helping out when she can which is more then what i am use too, their dad is amazing and really my rock, but it's so hard when you have kids that are so reliant on you to be there, to be involved even as a senior in high school and you have to bow out. I have band/guard kids so that is even harder. I never miss competition and have only missed one game in three years of his being involved. But I just feel like I am barely holding on. I need the roller coaster to stop. My sister thinks mom has started the dying process which is why she is growing so weak, falling, increased confusion, etc. I don't know if I just can't accept that or what but I am struggling and just need a pause, but it doesn't look like that is coming. Sis is talking with the neurologist today about everything so I hope we have answers then...sorry it's another long winded reply but I need a sounding board to put this out of my head.

I would suggest that you get some counseling to help you cope with these feelings. You seem to be very stressed out with your job and family. Get some help from your teenagers father to cart them around...

Try not to do everything yourself! Take time for yourself..

Oh my...I wish it did get better, but, in my experience, it has not. Like you, I miss the parent I HAD. My dad has been with me for 4 years, after a broken hip. It has not been horrible until the last 6 months, after another fall. I now jump every time the phone rings, as I am waiting on a placement for assisted living for him, as lack of sleep, physical exhaustion, and no daily happiness are wearing me out. I feel like I am on the edge of tears every day. I quit my job that I loved last year and retired early, thinking it would help, but it has been worse without an outlet. I have three grandchildren out of state who I cannot visit because there has to be 24 hour a day care for my dad.
On another note, my mom died at 81, having never been sick a day in her life. My dad, now at 91, has spent the last 10 years struggling with many health issues. Given my new perspective, if I could choose, I would have preferred to remember my dad as I do my mom and I would prefer to go as she did...making cookies.
Have you involved Hospice? They have been helpful to have others involved in my dad's care, but I think he's not going to make "the cut" soon for their care.
Hang in there, cjaharmon...I'm so glad for you that you have sibling support!
Also, there are places around to get a wheelchair for free. Ask around. Peace.

It's not all on you. You've got your sisters helping out, so that's great. Imagine if you didn't exist or refused to get involved - someone would still be helping your mom, whether it was family or social workers. But since you are here and you do want to help, your contributions are definitely helpful and your mom is better off than she would be without you. That perspective was the single most helpful thing that I learned from my therapist. I can definitely relate to how you feel.

As for the health issues - this is just my personal perspective, but with my dad, I am mainly concerned with keeping him as comfortable as possible, not necessarily resolving every medical issue he has. The reason is that I believe that it's his time to go. Dementia is a fatal disease and he's never going to truly get better or be himself again. I hope for his sake that his suffering can end sooner than later. So for that reason I don't worry too much about the medical issues, simply because I can't. There's just too much and it's overwhelming. I have to trust his doctors to do what they need to do.

But, I don't what to suggest regarding the falls, especially if your mom's falling even while being assisted. Will the wheelchair help or will she still try to get up and move around on her own? If you really think that the wheelchair is going to help, then look around your town for a used one. Check Craigslist, thrift shops, garage sales, auctions, flea markets, or a church if you or your sisters belong to one. The good thing is that things like that (walkers, chairs, other mobility aids) are relatively easy to find used. Who knows, depending on the insurance, it might even be cheaper to find your own if there's a co-pay involved.

First of all, NOTHING in life is "normal". When we medical professionals don't know how to tell the family of a loved one your fill-in-the blank has no chance of surviving, we say there is nothing we can do. This immediately sends a "fight or flight syndrome" within people, and they search for all kinds of remedies wanting to keep their loved one alive. NO ONE gets out of this world alive. We all must die. We all must learn coping mechanisms if you are to continue living. With a high stress job, high maintenance children (when are they not?), the best advice this medical person can give is to reduce your stressors. Accept the fact your mother is going to die, just as you are. Know that what could be done is already being done, and keep her as comfortable as you can for the time she has left. Focus on those high schoolers who are probably doing more undercover stuff than you know and could wander without your constant watchful eyes. They are your future just as you are your future. The fact you care about your mother's well-being shows me she did a fantastic job of raising you! Now, your energies need to shift into your children, husband, job, and start detaching yourself from the nasty part of dying. It is depressing to know someone you love is getting ready to die. Keep the good times ever present and stop focusing on what is to come. Her body will cease to exist, but the memory of what she has taught you will remain in your heart and mind forever. My blessings to you and your family and may God be with you all!

As we ask ourselves if it gets better... I recall that our parents will not grow up and become more able bodied as our children do/did. They are aging. It is a natural process that we will all face.

I received one piece of advice here that helped me immeasurably as my Mom was aging. It was suggested that I tell her I love her and hug her every day, or when ever possible.

It did indeed become more and more difficult and then one day my Mom passed away. For all the years I have to live that are ahead of me, I know that I treated her with kindness and compassion, to the extent that I could and I am thankful that I told her that I loved her and hugged her whenever I could. Now, it's over.

Did it ever get better? It's all a matter of perspective. I'm thankful for the time I had with her, although it was the MOST challenging time of my life. I wish for you the same... that you can navigate this time with grace and compassion for YOURSELF as well as for others.

Take very good care of yourself, while you are caring for others. Do everything you can for you, because you (and everyone around you) needs YOU to survive this.

It never gets better......only worse. I'm going through it right now. Why does life have to be like this for the elderly and caregivers alike? Life is so cruel. To make the elderly suffer with their health, etc. and the caregivers have to suffer with taking care of them. It's a very vicious cycle. I would not wish this on my worst enemy.

I just joined a Caregivers support group. It is the best decision I've taken in years.

Good Morning Everyone,

My mother has Alzheimer has for quite sometime. I did everything to keep her living in her house. There was someone with mom 24 hrs, Most of the help came from family who had their own family along with physical/mental health issues going on. I even hired an agency to help out and that was just eating away at the money. This consumed me like you wouldn't believe it...I cut my hours to part time , thank god for my husbands income. Mom also had two falls less then three months apart that result in two surgeries and rehab. My sister who lived with her decided to move out when mom was in rehab the second time, so as you can see it just wasn't getting better. I was doing my best to keep myself together but the stress was huge and it was all coming down. When she had her second injury a broken hip I decided to put her in the nursing home, actually the one she was in rehab the second time. I always say it was the toughest but best decision I made. I still have matters to take care of for mom but I finally understand the importance of taking care of yourself and sometime it means to make difficult decisions.

cjaharmon, I agree so much with what several others have said. When I first came here to take care of my mother and father, I was stressed beyond words. One of my biggest problems was that I wanted to fix things. If I could get them better care or cook them more nutritious meals or make them happier, then they would be better. One day I sat down and realized that I could not fix things. My parents were dying and I just needed to see that they were as comfortable as possible. That took so much off the pressure off me. I am not a religious person, but still I put it in God's hands.

Your sisters are nearby and your plate is full. My instincts say that showing your sisters support would be time well spent. Do they have things they need or want to make their lives better? Would it make it better if your mother was in a nursing facility where family could visit and she wouldn't fall so often? There are some very good nursing facilities available if your sisters need help. They and you are important, and it is not failing to get help when it is needed. None of us like to consider the possibility of putting our family in long-term care, but when things become too bad it can actually be a good option to consider.

I'm dealing with similar issues with both mom & dad. They are in assisted living, but I'm the one who manages their care, etc. Between the two of them, there have been multiple trips to the ER, hospital, and rehab stays the past couple of years. I started on this with a heart full of love and energy, glad to still have my parents, and to be able to give back to the people who had given so much to me. I wanted to help bring some happiness and peace in their "Golden Years". I have reached the point where some days I feel like the life is being sucked out of me, and I can't do it one more day. Then I wake up and do it one more day. Does it get better? My experience has been one step up, two steps back. I do not expect to look back at this time with fond memories. I hope I'm wrong.

I say the serenity Prayer everyday it just reminds me that I cannot control or fix everything and to accept that and be content with what I Can Do.It doesnt make every day easier but I dont feel guilty about anything that is not in my control!!! I take celexa and it helps my anxiety sounds like you have the meds that help you!! My Prayers are with you!!

Thank you all! You are all right I need to accept this, that is what I am struggling with. As a therapist in mental health, i know all about the grief cycle and I know too much about the death and dying cycles from my different times in different jobs. Sometimes knowing too much makes me my own worst patient. Calling doctor today for an increase in meds (i love it but I think I need a little more). and waiting to hear from the sisters. We are asking for Hospice today. Nursing home isn't an option for various reasons including not being financially possible with the current status of my parents home/finances. But we going to try to get hospice help. I think if we can get them in I can finally take that step back and just grieve, then I'll know that it isn't getting better and I can work on accepting this. We should have the order for a wheelchair from the neurologist without an issue, and we have home health care in for rehab from her falls before so we can get insurance to cover it. Just so frustrating! Thank you all for your responses, I can't tell you how much they mean today.

You are lucky you are not living with your parent. Although there would be less guilt feelings because you'd be directly involved in the back breaking day to day care, you would be even more overwhelmed with the relentless chores that would be required of you. My mom who is 101 lives with me so I know first hand. I luckily have a paid co caregiver who comes in 5 days/ nights a week. Even with the help I get I still feel like I have set my own life aside and being sucked into the world of a 101 year old. Please know that your dad and sister who take care of emergencies, falls, hygiene, food and daily care are more overwhelmed than you are. I am not at all trivializing your feelings as I feel your pain and urge you to take deep breaths and do what you need to get back on track but the family members in the trenches are coping with similar feelings and more. Please count your blessings that you are not there. This is a gift. Good luck!

It gets better when she.... well, the cruel truth is that's when it will get better. You need to deal with that.

It can be very overwhelming because we are not endless sources. Been there. I talked to a therapist to vent and get some of the stress "out" of me. Also found a grief support group at a local funeral home. Went to and still attend spiritual services every Sunday. It's non-denominational, called the "Bodhi Center" in Chicago. These sources provide much needed comfort. You need comfort too. Go for it my dear. L, Jill

It will not get better. Modern medicine has kept our parents alive way past the time they would have died years ago. This is both a blessing and a curse. It is extremely hard to let a beloved parent "go." There is no way out of this hell, which is why I don't believe in hell in the afterlife. After we have lost everything we have ever loved and cared about, what more can a loving God do to us? You need to add some kind of respite into your life to cope with all of this. It is easier (if such a word can apply here) if the person you are taking care of is someone you love and not someone who hates you. I am sorry for every one of you losing a loving parent or relative in your family.

Oh yes it does get better. The more educated you get the better the situation gets. Look to the Alzheimers association for help. The thing that was most helpful for me in regards to my husbands Dx of AD is that once the Dx is made, the patient is forgiven 100% of the time. That is a mind set and it keeps things running smoothly. OK honey, that sounds fine, Oh really, Etc. etc. etc. It may seem fake but logic & critical thinking are not up to snuff or not there at all so just go with the flow, relax, be thankful for the memories still there and don't forget to laugh!

cjaharmon: The not knowing what will happen next is the worst. I have anxiety all the time taking care of my father. Most emergency things happen in the middle of the night. I have trouble sleeping because I have become such a light sleeper, listening for anything that may happen. I took care of my mom for 8 years and now dad with his parkinsons for 6. Talk about burn out. I am on anxiety pills, which help, but I still have panic attacks when things happen. Try to be strong and I am sending all of you a little extra strength as well. Prayers and calming peace to all of you! Hang in there, it is not easy. I often find myself wishing for my own life and feeling guilty about it, but know I am not alone and either are you. This is a great place to find answers, options and above all very nice people that share what they are going through. Hang in there!!!!

You're very young to be losing your mother, number one. Number two, if taking care of her earlier history was your specialty, it's very hard for you to take a back seat and let your sisters step up (for heaven's sake do let them!). Horrible to know it's all going on but be able to do nothing practical. But you're going to have to go easy on yourself. What would you tell one of the Young People that you help? Something about prioritising, accepting, realistic goals?

It sounds as if you need to add space to grieve and space for extra time with your mother to that huge schedule you've already got on your hands. The good news is that it sounds as if your family network is fantastically supportive. The bad news is that probably no one can do much to alter or delay your mother's illness. This is going to be a horrible time; you're allowed to be upset, you're allowed time off, you're allowed to seek help. Let people help you, let them share. You will get through this, just don't expect anything to feel okay while it's actually happening xxx

Aebuell, your answer was more helpful than mine. Good job!

I really appreciate the messages from everyone -- I often feel panicked and the looming darkness thinking about when my parents do die, even with their decay and dementia now. And it's not something you talk about. So just sharing this here -- that glimpse into the abyss -- is helpful. Thank you everybody for sharing.

Sometimes I think it is all part of the different life steps when it comes to elderly parents. When they do pass on, part of us feel lost but on the other side of the coin part of us feel like the world is finally off our shoulders.

No matter how much or how little we try to contribute to helping our parents, it is quite stressful as we are put into a situation where we had no training, especially those of us who never raised children.

I know I am constantly thinking why don't my parents hire people to help them out, or use the home delivery of groceries. Good heavens, that is what I am doing for myself because I don't have the time or energy to fix or shop for myself :(

Yes!!! Home delivery is the way to go. I ordered our Thanksgiving dinner from FreshDirect -- my brother said it would be a shame not to cook. When I said then he could cook, he relented. The food was great and everybody was more relaxed. Highly recommended the more delivery the better.