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I retired a month and a half ago after working full-time for 40 years. My mom was diagnosed with lung cancer in January of this year and I have been doing everything for her -- grocery shopping, taking her to treatments/drs appts, laundry, house cleaning, cooking meals, staying with her and taking off from work when she was very ill from treatments. She was still able to live alone until 4 days after I retired, then she became too ill and has now been put on hospice. I begged her to stay at my house, but she doesn't want to leave her home so now I am here 24/7 taking care of her and taking care of her old dog who pees and poops all over the house. I love her so much and she has been a wonderful mom. In the mornings I get up feeling so sad and loving -- in the evenings and at night I feel the same, but every afternoon for about 2-3 hours I get so angry because I want to be in my home. I had to shut down my part-time business/hobby that I loved, leave my husband alone and now I spend my days so bored and lonely that I want to cry -- she is sleeping most of the day. I know that she is dying and I am going to be eaten up with guilt when she does because I go through this angry spell, but I can't seem to stop it! Just wondering if I am an evil person!

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Of course you are not evil. You are a very loving daughter.

Is there any way you can bring in help for 3 hours a day, in the afternoon?
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Please talk to the hospice staff. They are there for you as well as for your mother. Share your feelings and ask for their ideas.
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Thank you all so much for your support. I feel better knowing that my anger is not so abnormal. I guess I knew all along that she would eventually need 24/7 care but I assumed she would live with us. The dog has been her baby for over 13 years and when she is awake she asks about him so getting rid of him is not an option. My out-of-town sister has agreed to take him when she is gone so we'll see how that goes. He was housebroken, but I guess because of age or stress he started going in the house about 5-6 months ago. Anyway, thanks again for making me feel normal.
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You are not alone. Many of us feel this way and our loved one is not dying "yet". You are doing the best you can. It is easy to understand how you might feel angry and sad after finally retiring and having to jump right in to this madness.The sadness, guilt, anger cycle is brutal. I am so sorry you are going through this.
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I am so sorry you are going through all of this, but as far as I can see, you are absolutely NOT evil...I have these same feelings all of the time and after my bouts of absolute anger, I then feel incredible guilt as I see Mama becoming more and more frail as the months pass. It is hard for me to understand how I can get so angry when I know she can't help her situation but I miss what I think of as my "former life"...my heart goes out to you....I am seeing so many others on here who have such similar feelings as this, and it helps to know we are not alone in our thoughts and feelings....
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Thanks to all who have responded! I guess that I felt like this should all be about my mom -- about her wishes and when I get angry about the situation I feel so ashamed! You guys have made me see that even when a loved one is dying we can't just turn off our own emotions -- good or bad!
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I'm sure you are doing a great job, even though it may not feel that way. The dog probably is so devoted to your mom and he knows what is going on, so he is grieving terribly too. Please don't "get rid" of your mother's companion, even when you can, maybe he needs someone to devote some love and time to him in your mom's house, maybe a couple good walks a day will do you both good and allow you to bond. If you are not a dog person, hire a GOOD loving dog walker to come over at least two and up to a few times a day, they are only $5 for a 20min walk in most areas. This animal brought your mom obvious love and great joy for many many years, see that in the dog's eyes when you look at him and please don't punish him for loving your mom dearly. Can you imagine what his fears are right now, he may need to be vetted, he is old and may be feeling poorly. I recently heard stories of dogs finding their way to owner's graves and refusing to leave, dogs screaming in emotional pain when one day strangers come in and take their person away forever. They do love, and they deserve love.
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Treatmenttime - I realize that I sounded unfeeling about the dog but that's not the case. I do love the little thing and I love on him and pet him all the time. I know that he's "acting out" by using the bathroom in the house, but when mom wakes me in the middle of the night to get on the bedside potty and I step in dog pee I have to admit that I feel like cursing and sometimes do! We're not going to give him up -- my sister said she will take him when mom is no longer here. She is actually in town for a couple of days and is going to take him to the vet. I will be able to go home and relax!

Thanks again to everyone!
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Of course you are not evil - you are burnt out. If she has been assigned to hospice, then USE THAT RESOURCE! They should be able to send someone to sit with her for a few hours during the day to give you a break. Hospice is a wonderful program.
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The very fact that you are willing to ask that of yourself means No you are not evil. If you were evil, you would never ask that question; instead, you would brag about it. Pulling another all-nighter with mom and i'm getting loopy. I think I said it right. Her a/c broke down on a fri nite late, of course. Keeping an eye on her bp, etc. Luckily, we got cooler nites starting here in florida.
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