I live 3 hours away. Did the hospital run, got home health care, cleaned house, back again today and my mom wants me to "just sit and talk to her." There's no time for that - too many errands, laundry cleaning....
you just haveta let some things go. im not much of a housekeeper but mom is nearly blind. keeping her comforted and safe takes the priority over an immaculate house. time is short with her, im not spending this time scrubbing floors..
It's like a customer service job.....waitress or retail. Yes there is a LOT of side work...but your MOM comes first. You will long remember the time spent with her. Nobody ever remembers house cleaning or laundry. That being said...I am a clean freak and am always washing, polishing, vacuuming, whatever...and I occasionally get annoyed by Moms interruptions. I have to remind myself often that SHE is my primary job. The bottom line.....Prioritize!
I agree with the other wise comments on here. If there's a way you can get some help to do the mundane chores, spend as much time with your mom as you can. My cousin, who is a nurse, feels guilty because she spent all of her time relative to her mom in exactly the kinds of chores you're talking about.
I take my mom out to the farmers' market or for a drive or out for a meal, or to sit by the playground to watch all of the little kids playing. Anything to get her out of the facility and get her back into spending time with people who aren't old and sick. It brightens her spirits immensely. I think that's as important (if not more) than the housekeeping. But do the best you can and know that it's enough.
There isn't much detail in your profile, but can you move your Mom closer to you? Does she have physical needs or is she declining mentally? You can't do the driving, shopping, cooking and cleaning and be a companion. You JUST can't. So hire help or move her closer to you.
What a difficult situation! I would imagine that you're probably feeling overwhelmed and overworked. I hope that you can find a way to take some of the burden of every day chores off of you and spend some time with your Mom. Do you have other siblings that can/would help? I agree with geewiz...is there any way that you can move her closer?
Your Mom wants to spend TIME with YOU. Time is short and she knows it... Remember that. Why does she live three hours away? Who cares for her when you are not there? If she doesn't have a caregiver near her, she'll need one. Are there are other children/relatives near her? Perhaps it is time you start your long range planning for her. By the sound of it, perhaps it is time to move her closer to you...
My dearest memories with my Mom (now almost bed ridden in a NH) remain simply spending time with her as she declines... she is now beyond the time of having conversations as she doesn't talk much.. and whereas she is more and more weak, getting her in and out of my car (Mini) is too hard, for our long drives to various places... Now I spend time simply holding her hand, caressing her hand, getting her ready for bed, and hugging her.
Thank you all so much! I told my mom that next visit we're going to the beach (only 20 minutes away) and putting our toes in the sand. cleaning was necessary because she's closed her in-home animal shelter of 40 years and home health care won't Her Birthday is coming up and we'll get out of the house. Love the idea of a farmer's market or a consignment shop. Best to all!
30 day plan is to get her to accept help and figure out finances so that we can make a 3-month plan towards downsizing and possible moving closer to me. can't figure it out without the numbers. I live on the 3rd floor. beautiful riverside apt but 27 stairs. Not gonna happen. I'm looking into a better job so I can move to a 55 and over community and get her assisted living there or close by. Siblings are not close by but are getting daily emails from yours truly. Oldest bought mom a much needed new frig and sent me some $$ since I gave up a weeks pay to go down when mom was in hospital.
Personally, I wouldn't just take the comments to the cousin as gospel. If there is a mental decline, she may not remember that comment an hour later. Have you been able to make any progress with the clean up of her place?
Sounds like you are headed in the right direction. Have been through much of what you are going through over the last 7 months with my parents. Much of it was forced on the family because my father refused to recognize that he needed help and that it was time to share their financial situation with us, his adult children.
I could make this very lengthy but I will try to briefly tell you what happened in out situation. I live in the same area as my parents so I did not have to drive 3 hrs to help them out.
In Dec 2012, my 90 yr old father fell (one time too many). Mom, 88, and Dad lived in their own home. They had two chances to move into an ALF of their choosing in the last 10 yrs but turned it down twice. We were forced to wait until something happened to one of them to get them to see they needed more care. You simply cannot MAKE someone who is an adult to do what you want.
My Dad thought we wanted our inheritance early. Since his death (May 25, 2013), I have looked at his detailed records/emails and he consistently wrote to his friends that he was NEVER going to do what we suggested. Dad was a tough cookie. Mom would have moved in a heartbeat!
My mom showed me where there financial records were kept. They traveled a a lot. So, in case something happened, I would know where the will, investments, life insurance, etc. were. When Dad fell and was in the hospital for a week, I had to pull those numbers together for the application to the ALF. They don't have to be exact. As I dug through the papers, I found more money in annuities and other accounts.
All this is to say, our parents still think of us as children to be taken care of. They do not see us as adults. There parents kept financial info from them and they are doing the same to us at their detriment. It is hard to convince a parent why you need to gather this information because it sounds so intrusive. But in reality, by providing and discussing this information opens the door to conversations about "the rest of life" issues.
You didn't say if your mother has a will, general power of attorney, medical directives, HIPAA Instructions, medical power of attorney set up. These are extremely important right now especially if she is in the beginning of a cognitive decline. My mother, who is a very smart woman, could not understand complicated decision making within 4 months of moving her/and my father to ALF, and Health Center (nursing care), respectively. It was a blessing that they had all of those documents.
It is hard to get everything together but you can do it, one step at a time. When you are in it, you think it will never end but God puts the most amazing people in your life to help you resolve these issues as well as provide encouragement.
As I mentioned my Dad just died. My mother is doing OK. She is very practical. Says she misses him but nothing she can do but keep on going. The sad part of their story is that my father could not qualify to live with my mother in the ALF. If he had gone in earlier, when he was healthier, they would have been together. But he chose not to, so he and my mother lived separately during the last months of his life.
I know I am looking at my life through a different lens after watching all of this happen. I think my parents never thought any of this would happen but, I ask myself, why didn't they?
Sorry to make this so long! Oh, I almost forgot, my father (who had Alzheimers Disease) would say many hurtful things. But I continued to do what was best for both of them and treated them in the most dignified way I could.
If you can't get your mom to understand what needs to be done, try getting a friend of hers to speak to her. I found that my parents were more receptive to them than a family member. It is just a different dynamic!
I take my mom out to the farmers' market or for a drive or out for a meal, or to sit by the playground to watch all of the little kids playing. Anything to get her out of the facility and get her back into spending time with people who aren't old and sick. It brightens her spirits immensely. I think that's as important (if not more) than the housekeeping. But do the best you can and know that it's enough.
My dearest memories with my Mom (now almost bed ridden in a NH) remain simply spending time with her as she declines... she is now beyond the time of having conversations as she doesn't talk much.. and whereas she is more and more weak, getting her in and out of my car (Mini) is too hard, for our long drives to various places... Now I spend time simply holding her hand, caressing her hand, getting her ready for bed, and hugging her.
I could make this very lengthy but I will try to briefly tell you what happened in out situation. I live in the same area as my parents so I did not have to drive 3 hrs to help them out.
In Dec 2012, my 90 yr old father fell (one time too many). Mom, 88, and Dad lived in their own home. They had two chances to move into an ALF of their choosing in the last 10 yrs but turned it down twice. We were forced to wait until something happened to one of them to get them to see they needed more care. You simply cannot MAKE someone who is an adult to do what you want.
My Dad thought we wanted our inheritance early. Since his death (May 25, 2013), I have looked at his detailed records/emails and he consistently wrote to his friends that he was NEVER going to do what we suggested. Dad was a tough cookie. Mom would have moved in a heartbeat!
My mom showed me where there financial records were kept. They traveled a a lot. So, in case something happened, I would know where the will, investments, life insurance, etc. were. When Dad fell and was in the hospital for a week, I had to pull those numbers together for the application to the ALF. They don't have to be exact. As I dug through the papers, I found more money in annuities and other accounts.
All this is to say, our parents still think of us as children to be taken care of. They do not see us as adults. There parents kept financial info from them and they are doing the same to us at their detriment. It is hard to convince a parent why you need to gather this information because it sounds so intrusive. But in reality, by providing and discussing this information opens the door to conversations about "the rest of life" issues.
You didn't say if your mother has a will, general power of attorney, medical directives, HIPAA Instructions, medical power of attorney set up. These are extremely important right now especially if she is in the beginning of a cognitive decline. My mother, who is a very smart woman, could not understand complicated decision making within 4 months of moving her/and my father to ALF, and Health Center (nursing care), respectively. It was a blessing that they had all of those documents.
It is hard to get everything together but you can do it, one step at a time. When you are in it, you think it will never end but God puts the most amazing people in your life to help you resolve these issues as well as provide encouragement.
As I mentioned my Dad just died. My mother is doing OK. She is very practical. Says she misses him but nothing she can do but keep on going. The sad part of their story is that my father could not qualify to live with my mother in the ALF. If he had gone in earlier, when he was healthier, they would have been together. But he chose not to, so he and my mother lived separately during the last months of his life.
I know I am looking at my life through a different lens after watching all of this happen. I think my parents never thought any of this would happen but, I ask myself, why didn't they?
Sorry to make this so long! Oh, I almost forgot, my father (who had Alzheimers Disease) would say many hurtful things. But I continued to do what was best for both of them and treated them in the most dignified way I could.
If you can't get your mom to understand what needs to be done, try getting a friend of hers to speak to her. I found that my parents were more receptive to them than a family member. It is just a different dynamic!
Be thinking and praying for you!
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