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I'm so thankful I found this website, I've asked several questions here and I feel like this is the only place where people understand me and here I am again... In my last question I talked about our situation, me and my mom have been my grandma's only caregivers for 6 years ( she has dementia ), her two other kids don't care and we are at a breaking point, the situation is unbearable, my mother had a really serious heart attack two years ago, I'm mentally ill, there's no way we can take care of my grandma when we are extremelly sick as well. My grandmother now needs care 24/7, there are many sleepless nights and recently my mother started showing signs of all the stress that this situation causes. My mother rented an appartment for the two of us, her idea was to leave my grandma here in her own home and try to make her brother and sister come by more often and find a way to solve this solution TOGETHER, my mother is tired of doing everything by herself, she's not an only child. She called them to announce that we would be leaving by the beginning of August and that my grandma would be alone from then on, do you think they cared? No, they just said " You can go, we'll take care of it later. " It's been one week and a half since they last talked and not even a phone call or a visit to ask if grandma was already alone or not, I'm disgusted with their attitude. We haven't moved yet because there were some issues in my new room that are getting fixed but we will probably move in less than two weeks and I'm scared to leave my grandma here by herself. I thought about staying with my grandma but my mother told me I should go with her, that this wasn't my responsability, I somewhat agree with her and I don't want to stay here, I want to have the chance to start a new life but at the same time the guilt feelings won't leave me alone, I'm always thinking what if something happens to my grandma? I would always feel like it was my fault because I wasn't here... I already contacted the social services but so far no answer, my mother told me she will call them tomorrow, we will see. I just want a regular life like my cousins, they have their job, their own house, they travel, they meet people, I never had the chance to do any of that, I feel like I've wasted my youth and the worst thing is that my own family never recognized my efforts and I can see that they clearly don't care if I have a life or not, they just want a maid to spare them from all the hard work and problems.

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Amen harpnjack!
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If we do not take care of ourselves, we will lose the ability to help others. Our bodies can revolve and make it physically impossible for us to be caregivers for anyone else. Easier said than done. I had a car & the clutch went out. I could no longer drive it anywhere. I think caregivers need to be taken care of like our cars need to be maintained. Otherwise our clutches will fall out and we will be not be any good to anyone.
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I agree with u thank you.
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to baxterri: I don't know if there is any true answer to that and GOD will NOT punish you for not taking care of them. God understands what we are going thru and not everyone can deal with the stress of caregiving. I can't quote any places in the Bible but maybe your boyfriend feels that way cause of how he is. We just put my father(91) in a home suffering from several falls/later moderate stage of dementia to severe stage. My mother (87) can no longer care for him properly, she was putting her own health at risk since she is diabetic. Do I feel bad for my father; yes; but then I can't quit my job to take care of him, and they do not want anyone living in their house with them. So you do what you feel best and visit when you can. WE have to take care of ourselves also, remember that.
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The question is .. Whose responsibility is it. My aunt took care of both her parents till they died in their ninetys. My boyfriend whose is a momma's boy said he would never put his mom in a home no matter what. And he told me WE are obligated to take care of our parents since they took care of us. And that GOD is watching. Omg ! Seriously he caters to his unreasonable demanding spoiled never worked mother . I just sit back and watch her fuss and fuss like she is his wife. Its sickening for her to call him everyday several times fussing for him to take her here or there. She has a car she is 70 . I told him in the past I never called my mom everyday we never really got along good .. i was daddy's little girl he would tell me " I think you do pretty darn good ". with my two sons after my divorce. . My mother would critisize everything . IS it our responsibility? As children? Will GOD punish me. For not catering to her every whim? I love my mother but how she treats me hurts deeply it always has ..I could never make her proud. Now at 50 it affects my health.
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Hope you check in, Hannah. We care about you and your loved ones. You are kind and caring. Hugs.
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Hi Hannah. Just checking on you. How are things going
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PLEASE don't hate on yourself for being unable to do the impossible. I don't see how someone who is having hallucinations, struggling to stay in touch with reality, and generally stressing out on top of it could have been expected to handle full time caregiving solo for 10 hours a day.
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Hannah are you familiar with NAMI? THE NATIONAL ALLIANCE FOR THE MENTALLY ILL. they offer a lot of resources and i believe are Nation wide. I hope they can give you some guidance. I think you're awesome. Many hugs and yes time to take care of you
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Thank you for the update. At least you will still be close enough to check in on her. That will help both of you.
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Thank you Wannek.
It's very hard to cope with mental illness no matter what the situation is, the problem here is that I don't have anyone to help me except for my mother but she's away working from 7am to 5pm everyday, I'm left here all by myself with my grandma and that really stresses me out. I try to do my best but I just can't be a caregiver, lately I've been hallucinating all the time, I spend hours on my own world and end up loosing track of time, I forget about meals, medication, everything... I want to do what's best for my grandmother but at the same time I feel like I've already given everything I could, I'm one step away from ending in a psych ward and I'm not afraid to say that from now on I'm going to let the others handle this, we should have done this since the beginning or at least since my mother's heart attack.
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Hannah you amaze me. As i had previously posted i have two mentally ill brothers who live with our elderly parents. We are not in the same situation since they have an aide m-f 9-5 and i do nites and weekends. My point is that my brothers are not the caregivers although they try to do what they can but are limited. One inparticular can't take the atmosphere but can't afford to move out and hearing him threaten suicide is not unusual. So i can really appreciate you, all that you have done, and continue to do all while what sounds at a heightened point in your illness. Give yourself credit for the amazing and strong person you are. It's so hard on me and I'm healthy, but i have illness all around me. So i am in awe of you and respect but Hannah, sacrificing your life will not do anyone any good at this point. I'm glad your aunt is stepping up. Please concentrate on your health. My schizophrenic brother is very functional and has not hallucinated in years so there is hope for you. Please save yourself and keep in touch. We care. Health is the most important thing and i hope you find it
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Boy, do I know that feeling. My 2 sisters moved out of state and occasionally have comments on facebook on how I should handle things, but they don't live this life so they are really clueless, but they have their lives and can come and go as they please, while I have to find a grandma sitter and pay out of my pocket if I want to do anything and then that depends on how much money we have. Try not to feel to guilty, sometimes their are things out of our control. Try Senior Resources which the state agency should put you in contact with and take it from there. Ask her physician about home care and see what her insurance will cover.
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Thank you for your kind words Emjo23.
I don't have a therapist at the moment but I have a psychiatrist and I'm on psychiatrist medication for my schizophrenia, it's not helping though and my psychiatrist advised me to look for a therapist too, she thinks stress is what's causing my symptoms to get worse, I will have to look for one I feel comfortable with, it's hard.
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Hannah, ((((((((((((hugs)))))))). You have to look after you and let others look after themselves and grandma. Do you have a therapist and/or doctor who can help you through this time to get you to a more stable place Who is talking about abandonment and jail? I would not listen to them. Just concentrate on getting yourself better.
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I have been really sick lately, that's why I haven't posted. We will probably move this week, I'm not okay with this decision but I know it has to be done, I just wish things had taken a different turn... I finally figured that no matter what I do I will never get rid of my guilt, it's a no win situation. People talked about abandonment and even jail, we're not going to abandon my grandma, she will have daily visits, we will be just one street away, my aunt lives two streets away and she said she's going to take care of my grandma's situation because she wants the house, she didn't said what are her plans for my grandma but from what she said I assume she wants to pay someone to take care of her at home. I just hope they can solve this situation without fighting... Social services haven't said anything yet, I will try to convince my mother to give them a call, I don't really want to involve myself in this situation even more, I'm trying to worry less about this, I did what I could and right now I'm really sick, I don't have the energy to solve anything, I'm sleep deprived, having constant hallucinations and trying to do my best to avoid worrying my mother and scaring my grandma.
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Hannah, we haven't heard from you in a few days. Please update us to let us know you and your mom are ok. You need help and support get back in contact with social services. I think you were on the right track there but you have to keep the ball in the air yourself unfortunately. They are usually an overwhelmed department focusing more on children. Pester them to help. Tell them the situation has deteriorated. You have many people supporting here. Remember some of us are caring for grandmothers instead of mothers so we get it.
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Make sure your grandmother has a life alert, and knows how to use it. Have your mothers siblings phone number be the one that is called if your grandmother ever presses the button, and then move with your mother. If you don't go, the two of you could be there for a very long time. Its time someone else takes over, and the only way they will is to be forced to.
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But they have to be facilities that accept Medicaid. In my area the standard to be in a facility that accepts Medicaid, the more desirable ones anyway, is that the resident is required to private pay for a period of two years.
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I your grandmother is able to walk, feed herself, and do most of her activities of daily living with even some assistance. Think about an Assisted Living Memory care unit. They provide activities for dementia residents. Some even have different levels of dementia care. A memory care/dementia care unit whether in an Assisted Living or a Nursing facility will reduce your, your mother's and even you grandmother's stress. check it out. Depending on the state you live in Medicaid will help with the cost in Assisted Living. Medicaid does help in nursing homes. My mother has been in a nursing home about 6 weeks now and it is a God sent. Her panic attaches have stopped and she is much easier to get along with now. Before moving to the nursing home she was verbally abusive to all the family. 911 was being called by her several times a month. The stress is off of her and dad now.
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Get Adult Protective Services in your area involved. They are great.
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Since I posted last I have more info that may help you and your Mom. Contact her health insurance company. They may have nurses.coaches etc that can help. When my mom started to really go downhill about 2 weeks ago I was having problems sleeping, hearing her call me when she really didn't, going to work with constant worry etc. But about a month ago I remembered a letter that was sent to my mom from BlueCross BlueShield. They were offering a nurse practitoner to come to the home to "assess" and send info to my mother's primary dr. (a story in itself cause she has none). The NP came yesterday and I swear an angel entered my home last night. Mother gave her the most difficult time but this NP handled it with grace, calm, kindness and mom finally gave in to being examined. NP agreed with us that she needed to go to hospital but mom absolutely refuses. This NP DID NOT leave. She contacted the Dr. that she worked for and he actually drove to our home to see what he could do. Another angel entered our house. He examined, talked and took her under his wing for now. Ordered an antibiotic, in-home blood work and xrays. He also contacted a case worker to help get in-home care for her. I cannot tell you the weight that was lifted off my shoulders. Please contact her health insurance or a social worker. They will get her someone to come in and help. And you and your Mom will feel the relief I felt. You can then live with your decision to leave and be happy within. Go, Hannah, and live your life! I will continue to pray for you, that Angels come to you!
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Right on about the ER visit. I would have done the same thing and have suggested it many times to others. If our loved one is not safe at home placement needs to be found. If they have been admitted to the ER you have the right to refuse to take them home if they are not stable or you cannot provide safety.
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Wolf, thank you for sharing about telling ER staff that your father could not go home! We have heard other similar stories but need to be reminded of them every so often. It takes courage to do this and it is necessary in so many cases if only caregivers would do it when necessary. Good work!
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after my father fell 2 times within 24 hours he finally agreed to have my mother call 911. he has dementia/alzheimers and denies now that he wanted 911 called. but after 8 hours in ER (no broken/no fractures) I told them he could NOT come home. My mother can no longer give him the care he needs, She is diabetic (stopped testing sugars cause worried/caring for him more last week or so) and that he needs to be hospitalized until he either gets strength back OR to a facility that can care for him. He will be going to a facility this weekend, whether he likes it or not. Mom is okay with this and I know it will be an adjustment period for all of us, but guess what? My mom can now get the rest she needs, take care of herself, be able to go outside and not worry if he will be screaming for her, of falling down steps. She will be able to visit friends that she no longer could do. She is 87 and I am sure her time will come when I will need to be there more for her until she also will require more care. I will not jeodorize my health cause I also have more immediate family that I want to share my time with. So we all have to make decisions and NO one should put someone down because you can no longer care for them they way you wish you could. Apparently the person that made that negative comment is not caring for anyone OR wishes they could get out of their situation and is jealous of those you can hand over the care to someone else. God bless you for what you HAVE done.
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Being a caregiver is the only experience in life that you will find yourself battling on multiple fronts. Finances, family, .... and yourself! Please follow your mother's lead. She is making a very very difficult but the right decision. Also listen to what others have posted. No one is suggesting you leave your grandmother home alone. But you need to move on. She would be heart broken to know you and your mother are suffering. Best of luck
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Oh Hannah my heart goes out to you. I have been with my Mom since my Dad passed some 20 years ago and I find it very hard difficult to move on with my life too. It is a constant battle with her. She keeps falling more and more and it is me who spend hours in the middle of the night with her. Then get up at 5 in the am to work. Lately, she doesn't want to eat. I think she is weak and that is causing the falls. I have contacted a Nurse Practioner that will be coming tomorrow to evaluate my Mom and make some recommendations. However, my Mother is throwing a fit...screaming and carrying on that she doesn't want anyone in her house and yells at me to get out.

You have the opportunity and love and support of your Mother. Go, Hannah! Please just go! Don't waste another minute of your life and don't ever feel guilty. God bless you and keep you
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First and foremost, you and your mother cannot abandon your grandmother. That could get you and mother jailtime. If you could convince one of the other aunt and uncle to take your grandmother for one night, then they become responsible, unless you take her back. Since you did not mention a nursing home dementia unit, I assume you do not have the resources for same. Also, you did not mention who has the POA. If no one, then it falls to your grandmother's children, but any or all of them can claim they cannot be a caregiver. That includes your mother. A next step might be to take her to the ER and tell them no one can care for her. Tell them you will help make decisions but she needs to be where she can get the best help for her situation, and you and your mother cannot provide it. Be helpful to the ER and the social worker assigned to your grandmother at the hospital. Tell them your mother will sign the form for a three day evalustion for your grandmother. Let society take it from there.
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God bless you I haven't had a life in over 10 years ago through the same thing daily and I'm still having to do i and I'm still having to do it all my m and my mother has three ot and my mother has 3 other children and not one of them work so I feel your pain
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Hannah - please do not listen to the negative comments. From what I have read from your posts you are a thoughtful, loving granddaughter who is at the end of her rope. Save yourself! Also the people who say that we "owe" it to our elders to give up our lives for - that is nonsense. Having children and taking care of our elderly are not the same thing. They are complete opposites. There is little joy in watching someone go downhill, knowing they are just going to get worse. Children get older and more self-sufficient while our elders become more dependent. One person doing it alone is very difficult - I know- I have been caring for my own Mom for 3 years with very little help and I am now done also. Now it is time for the other family members to now step in and help.
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