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My mother has been living on her own in a single family home for the last 6 years. Her dementia has gotten progressively worse over the last 2-3 years and I feel she is no longer able to live alone. My brother lives out of state and comes to visit periodically and lately she has been falling often and been getting some bumps and bruises. No one in my family is able lift her anymore so I have had to call my daughters or their husbands to help pick her up. My brother insists she is fine. Last week when she fell, I made sure she was alright and then planted myself right next to her and waited until my brother arrived. He actually helped with her care for 3 days and the next time she fell both of us together could barely lift her. He finally agreed to allow her to enter and Assisted Living facility (for the winter). The problem is he is now questioning if it is really necessary to keep her there and thinks she should go home. He has the POA for Property has taken over complete control of her finances (I have been the one paying the bills and buying her person items until now). She has plenty of money to stay in Assisted Living for the rest of her life - which is exactly what it is for - but he claims control to refuse to pay for her services and to use her money as he sees fit. He has refused to let me see any of her financial information and tells me it is "none of my business" and "he will let me know if there is anything I need to be aware of". I was appointed POA for her health care and I want to make sure she stays in Assisted Living - the place is wonderful, she is receiving excellent care, lots of personal attention and she says she likes it and maybe she'll stay a little longer.

My has requested the home to send him the bill - but then he has spoken with the attorney who drew up the papers about whether he thinks she should stay there - there is "nothing wrong with her". She was the one who informed me that although I was appointed POA for her health I do not have any right to contest any of his decisions on this.

I think it is so unsafe for her to be home alone - she is unable to take care of her personal issues (bathroom, bathing) and with her dementia she is forgetting even the most basic things. My daughters and I were checking on her regularly, but none of us is able to give her full time care.

My concern is - do I really have no right to know what he is doing with her finances or to contest any decisions he makes regarding where she lives? He has POA for Property but I have POA for Health. I feel we should be working together but he refuses to talk to me about this and has accused me of only being interested in in because of her money. I am in the sense that I want to make sure we can continue to provide for her and make her comfortable.

I'm really having a hard time understanding what POA for Property and POA for Health really mean.

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I need to know if my fathers guardian that was apointed can keep his bank staements from him. my dad just wants to see them, my brother was abusing him in everyway. so I went to HRC, thinking it would be the right thing to do. well it wasn't. now my dad is in a nursing home and the guardian took over and still let my brother get to his money, property,house, ext. now it seems there are doing kind of the same thimg
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Definitely get the social worker or doctors from the AL involved. Your brother is not the person to declare whether she is competent or not (unless he graduated with a medical degree you are not aware of.) If need be demand that a court appointed guardian be assigned. I read these stories and it breaks my heart, it also makes me realize how lucky that my brother and I decided that we would jointly share financial POA and health POA as our common goal is our mom's wellbeing.
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Stick to the facts concerning your mothers ability to live on her own and who will take care of all her needs -- present this to your mom as well and see if she accepts that you and your family are the ones who jump through hoops to take care of her --
leaving her home is something she will probably never agree with you on and therefore you brother will be the one she wants
make him understand with the help of staff, SWorkers and Dr--
Safety is what she needs -- best of luck -- this is very painful and not at all about her money -- Safety is the most important variable here
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Good comment about brother hindering your power as Medical POA. You do have some power in this. Good advice!
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It is lucky you have medical POA so that your mom has some protection. Get an appointment with the social worker at the AL facility and enlist her support. Possibly, you can get an attorney appointed for you Mom, who can make sure your brother provides the funds for her to stay in the facility, since those funds exist. Make sure the AL facility team can provide the documentation to support that she is safer there. Maybe also come armed with the costs for a 24 hour, in home care person of sufficient stature to get move her physically.
And breathe. Breathe. From your description, your mother is in the right place. Professionals will back that up. Either your brother is in emotional denial about your Mom's trajectory, or he is tight and angling for a bigger inheritance. Either way--especially with a court-appointed attorney for you Mom, and your brother WILL have to pay--you are taking great care of her, Ikbliss.
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As you've stated that your brother has POA for finances and you have POA for health, I'm assuming that POA has actually been invoked. (If, however, this arrangement is just your family's informal agreement, then your mother still has legal control of where she lives.) So if you do have POA for health, then I would think that would be the driver here. Talk to her doctors. If they say her dementia is to the point that she shouldn't be living alone anymore than the choices become caregivers in her home or continuing the assisted living facility she is in. Present him with the medical facts with documentation from her doctors and the cost of all options. If he won't answer, then I think you can challenge his POA because he's limiting your ability to carry out your responsibilities.
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I agree with JessieBelle, you need to see an attorney. Your brother needs to be accountable for what he does with your Mom's money.

That said, your Mom made the decision to give him all financial power. He doesn't even live near her and seems to be more concerned with inheritance than a 90 year old living alone.

As with my Mother, she made her bed now she can sleep in it. Especially if she has given you the order that you are not to dispute your brother. Let him take care of her, don't jump in and save the day.

I know this sounds harsh but I have had a very hard time with my Mother and brother. Mom is paranoid and keeps all financial matters secret from me. My brother has all power and he will take care of her (whether he likes it or not). I have stated things need to be 50/50 if the care is to be 50/50.

I don't know what your relationship is with your Mom but suspect brother is the "golden" child and you will be expected to provide care for her and your brother will dictate, right? I wouldn''t do that. I would tell her if she wants to go to AL, she needs to change her POA or take control herself.

Good luck to you and don't let brother push you around.
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ikbliss, this is a messy situation. One thing to consider is that POAs are normally set up so that the chosen person can make financial decisions if the person becomes unable to do so. If your brother feels that your mother is fine to return home, then he is saying that she is competent. And if she is competent, then she can make her own decision about where she chooses to stay. It is her money.

If you feel the POA is being misused for personal gain, it may be time to look into revoking it. If your mother is able, you can go with her to get her bank records so you both can check to see how her money is being spent. If the money is being misused, perhaps your mother will choose to revoke.

I hope that nothing shady is going on. It is always good to know for sure, though. If there is something, you may want to consult with an elder care attorney to see exactly how to handle things.
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