How do I cope with the decisions that have to be made without loosing the rest of my mind?

Cindy~I am so sorry for all you are going through. I must ask you, do you have MPOA or DPOA to make decisions for your mother? I am assuming you do considering your mother's health issues. She is in a snh but you state that you are facing placement for her. Are you thinking of placing her somewhere else? Has your mother been certified as incapacitated? I ask these questions to get a better understanding of the whole situation.

I do not have knowledge of Traumatic Brain Injury, but I do know about dementia. Patients with dementia will tell stories, especially about the family member who is caring for them. It is too difficult for them to understand and accept their limitations so they blame the primary care giver who is usually a family member. People who work in snh know how to handle it and should be able to it without pointing fingers to you. As long as you have DPOA and your mother is incapacitated, family members who know and understand her situation will ignore her comments. Are there family members who are trying to makes issues out of her comments? If so, you can ban them from visiting her. However, if it is a case where you are hurt by her comments, unfortunately you will have to learn to detach emotionally from your mothers words. I know this is hard to do but try to look at it as it is the dementia talking not your mother. Do not take what she says personally. It takes practice and you can google detaching with love to get more info on it. It does not mean you no longer care, it just means you learn to not let her words hurt you as much on an emotional level which allows you to make logical decisions instead of emotional decisions. Please know this phase will pass in time. Hugs to you and keep us posted!!

I totally understand, I am my mothers caretaker, she lives with me has dementia along with many other diseases can walk only a few steps, my husband wants a divorce, I don't drive, I can't work do to clincal depression and high axiety, scared to death, will keep you in my prayers and ask you do the same for me, hugs

People with brain injury, with or without TBI, will tell stories that, while often not true, seem true to them. Most staff at nursing homes know this and are therefore not inclined to believe everything the patient is telling them. Family members who are inclined to believe what they are hearing should know better as well. However, the fact is that you were the one left to do the caregiving without their help so they really don't have the right to be critical at this point since they didn't step in to help you. My adult children are often critical about how I care for their father and/or how poorly they think I am "coping" which I think is very unfair of them since they are only able to offer me a few hours of respite care on occasion. I know they wouldn't find what I am doing easy if it fell to them. I can understand how hurtful all of this is to you and why it is that you had to have your mother placed in a skilled nursing facility. I actually envy the fact that you have been able to place your mother because I am not yet in a financial position to place my husband and find it very difficult not to have a free minute to do simple things like go to the movies, have dinner with friends, etc. You can do those things now that you have the time and realize that you fully deserve to enjoy every minute of those activities. I have found some interesting book clubs and other activities that sound like fun on meetup but am not able to participate in any of these activities because I do not have anyone to watch my husband. Hard as it is to do, let the people do their job at the skilled nursing facility and use some of that time to do things that you enjoy.

Have you read the book The 36 Hour Day? It helped me, a lot.

@sharynmarie...thank you so much for your post! I have lived with a verbally abusive, controlling husband for 39 years and with his TBI and dementia, he brought his personality with him but 'on steroids' (or so it seems) and can no longer be the 'street angel' and the 'house devil' so his true self is evident to everyone, family and caretakers alike and of course me (but then I already knew the real narcissist he was). You said the most amazing thing in your post by suggesting googling 'detaching with love' and I did and I cannot tell you what this information has done for me. I am now in the process of reading everything I can about how this is done and why I struggled with the concept at first but realize I need to make some very significant changes in me which will allow me to not be subject to the awful, demeaning, degrading, ugly words and tone of voice with which I have been exposed to all these years. I also found in the articles how I can let all the others who are now being treated the same, learn how they must handle it and stop fretting about their hurt feelings but I will suggest, if asked, they google detaching with love! It never ceases to amaze me how, in the middle of a paragraph, or in life, someone says 3 words and my life changes. Thank you for your 3 words :-)

My circumstances are completely different, so I can't offer suggestions that would help you much. I am so sorry for what you're going through, though, and you've gotten some great suggestions already.

I did want to ask, though, is this "talking crazy" something that's fairly recent? Just since being in the care facility? Since before going into the care facility? Or more recent? In other words, is it new behavior and out of the norm for her?

The reason I ask is, the elderly can become very altered, very quickly, with a UTI. I've seen it with my mom over and over again. She's the sweetest woman in the world normally, but I've seen her punch out nurses, need three orderlies to restrain her (she weighed 80# at the time), and "talk crazy" when she has one.

It might be worth looking into...

Good luck, I wish you both the best.

TBI is a traumatic brain injury, it can fit anything from a car accident and hitting your head on the windshield to a stroke. TBI does not always mean that a person's mind is incapacitated, but dementia can come from a simple accident to the brain, a fall or slip, that seemed like nothing but resulted in a person having a concussion, can years later be the brain injury or a traumatic brain injury which is an event leading to the development of dementia. You can get dementia, by genetics, but also by accidents.
I was going to reference Christopher Reeves and TBI, and a cite popped up (not the Mayo Clinic) and said there were some called TBI's, ABI's and congenital one's, they also said Christopher Reeves was an ABI (acquired brain injury) the same website actually said TBI could only happen when you are a child which I know to be false, as a stroke is a known TBI and I have had three of them.

It is awful when family members cannot bring themselves to help, but only criticize the caregiver, or demonize the caregiver and belittle them or calling them martyrs, for caring about the person. I guess there comes a time in the whole process where it can become too much for one person, dementia people create stories, and out right lies, they learn it while trying to cover up their forgetfulness in the earlier stages of dementia, you just have to let it go. I usually ask our 86 year old questions about her story, as if I were listening to a budding writer in class, sometimes her answers could have happened might have happened but are really only in their own mind.
Good Luck, I guess I wanted you/everyone to know that you are really not totally alone, as caregivers we do share a bond of knowing different.

and to balexander9 can you qualify for daycare by going through senior services?
Senior services can send someone to your house for respite care. Also some insurances cover some long term care, but the social workers know more than I do.

There are many challenges we face as caregivers, I know you must feel exhausted and frusrated mentally and physically. I had my 81 year old dad in the nursing home for 6 weeks; he hated been there and everyone around him including me. He would try to climb out the window or sneak out of the facility causing injury to himself or would not take his meds. I would calm him down by spending time with him every day at the same time. When I would help him get ready for bed, he would ask "we have a date for tomorrow, right"? I would say "would'nt miss being with you for anything in the world Dad I love you" he would smile. I would let him decide on what to do like get a pedicure, manicure, play cards, go for a walk, or watch a comedy. Its very hard to see your parents suffer and you have no way of helping to ease their pain. Everyday is a new day; I concentrate on the little things that we can do together and the things I have controll over. I live one day at a time and hope and pray for the best. Seeing my parents happy if only for a short time makes me happy and gives me hope for the next hurddle we have to endure. I will pray that the Good Lord shine on you; to help you with the difficult time you and your familly are facing, and that he may help ease your mother's pain. God Bless You for all that you do for your mother, you are stronger that you think don,t give up!!!

Thank you everyone! Just like i said in a private message, I get some kind of relief knowing that others are going through the same exact thing that I am. Ya know in the begining of this I seriously thought I was the only one on the face of the earth expiriencing these things! You have all been very helpful and actually give me hope!