Am I looking at this all wrong?????

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I have been able to visit my mom 3 times a week at the memory care facility my bro put my mom into about 6-7 months ago.In the beginning of Feb. he told me where she was and that I could begin seeing her. I used to have Medical POA but now my bro and sis have it over my mom. I visit her on Tues., Weds. and Saturdays. I take my mom out on almost every visit to just get her out and about from the facility. They have activities now and then at the facility but my mom really doesn't like to join in, really never has been that type of person. She likes to get out and go places or watch other people participating in activities. My bro called me this week and asked me if I'm taking my mom out every time I see her. I told him for most part yes. Not for more than an hour or two. Then I bring her back. He told me that "Judy" some administrator person told him that it was a bad idea for me to do that because she will get confused that the facility is her home. Especially when she gets worse. She has ALZ yet is physically mobile and lucid most of the times. Her speech is affected by not having the words to say things but I am pretty good at knowing what she's saying. She doesn't do it all the time with talking. Her short term memory on several things is still decent although there is decline. She has problems with her long term memory as well but is still fairly high functioning, yet there is decline. I'm the one that got my mom to go to the doc to get a diagnosis whereas my bro or sis did nothing to help out.

Am I looking at this in the wrong way????? Why would taking her out now, while she can enjoy it, make for her to not realize that the facility is her home when I bring her back each time? Why should she be cooped up in the facility and rarely go out? When she lived with me, we used to go out ALL the time. Almost every day. Does this not stimulate her mind/brain and physically keep her active? If I don't take her out we sit and talk at the facility. That works too but it isn't as much fun or as stimulating for her, and I guess for me as well. I just want my mom to be happy for as long as she can be. When I visit her, she's sitting on the porch. Sometimes waiting for me and other times, not knowing what time I'll be there, just looking at the trees, sky and birds. Am I looking at it wrong or does this administrator not understand mental stimulation as being important as I feel it is? My bro doesn't ask questions just wants to go along with what Judy says. I want to question it. My mom has told me more than once to not listen to my bro and we can go out if I chose to take her. When I visit, I am there 3-4 hours, sometimes a little more. She refuses to take a shower with any of the caregivers, so I give her the shower. She has no problem with her doing what I ask of her. I don't tell her to do anything, I ask her. What am I missing here?????

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Your bro sounds like a control freak and not very loving. Sounds like you are very caring and good for your mom. IMHO
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For once, a happy ending to a problem on this site. Yogibear, wishing you and your mother well.
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That melted my heart " yeah I'm with you!". That says it all right there! XO!
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Thank you ALL!!!!! My mom and I can tell what the other is thinking most times. Or at least she used to. I know we feel what the other feels as we have been so close for so many years. Since I was in my mid 20's, am now 51, my mom and I have enjoyed going on little trips or just going to a McD's to have a burger then take her home. She lived with me for a total of 8 years. The last time was for 6 years. So, we know each others ways. It was to the point I would call my mom and she had just walked in the door. Or that I was coming over to her house as as I pulled up, she was just walking out, she couldn't see me pull up from where her apartment was located.

My bro mentioned that he had regrets not knowing our mom better than he does. I told him to leave those regrets behind. You can't change the past and that what he has done with our mom within the recent months has been a good job. Though we, he and I and my sis, all got mad at each other, mainly because we were NOT communicating in a way each of us were able to understand, we have been able to look through all of that and see that our mom's comfort and happiness is what really matters. My bro regrets not knowing my mom the way I do. He told me the other day that he really hadn't thought about how, at an earlier age, I took care of my grandma, mom's mom, while I worked fulltime. For almost 2 years. My mom came over when I worked and as soon as I got home I took over. On my days off, I stayed home with my grandma, my mom had the two days off. Not time now or ever to have any of those regrets. Live life without them.

Yesterday when my mom and I went walking in a shopping mall, we were holding hands, we always do, she raised our arms and said, "Yeah, I'm with you." She had a great day as did I.

Without all of you giving me your support and encouragement, I probably wouldn't have talked to my bro about how important this issue is for our mom and me. I would have just done as he said. Thank you ALL from the bottom of my heart for helping me speak up for my mom and myself without causing a fuss or argument. We really handled it well, I believe. BLESSINGS!!!!!
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Yogi, I am so glad this was resolved with good family communication.

Ya know, a cat who jumps onto a hot stove is smart enough not to jump on a hot stove again. But it won't jump onto a cold stove either. Most humans are smarter than most cats, and can tell the difference. Don't wipe off the stove while it is still hot, but clean it after it cools.

Don't take dementia patients on outings if it upsets them or makes their symptoms worse. (duh) But do take them on outings if they enjoy it and it stimulates them in a pleasant way. It is not necessary to treat all stoves as if they were hot unless you are a cat. It is not necessary (or helpful) to treat all dementia patients as if they all fell into the worst case scenario.

I am so glad you advocated for your mother!
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why doesnt this administrator come to you first? Seems fishy to me that anyone would not want someone to take out their mom. If it is too much trouble for them than it is tough, that is why they get paid. Probably they don't want her asking where are you and when is she going out again.
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Yogi I think your brother is jealous and you're making him look bad, lol. You go girl and keep taking your Mom out! Why not go back around 3-4pm and see how she is or call her. She sounds like she is fine to go out. Once your Mom doesnt want to go, thats different. My Moms dr says stimuating the mind is the best thing you can do, good luck! Even in the latest stages of dementia, my Mom would perk up on a car ride.
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Yogibear I am so happy for your family. You are absolutely correct about your Mom's quality of life, this really all that matters, it's actually the whole point. You understand your Mom and since you've talked to your brother about this, you can relax and enjoy your Mom inside or outside of her new home.

As a daughter too, I must tell you that my Mom does not have to say a word, I know what she is feeling, as she knows how I am feeling.
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I spoke with my bro. He said he was told by several people and Judy that the person with Alz will have more difficulty and they get confused when they are out and that they do/did not want to go back to their homes. I told him I have been told the opposite by several people, however, two people said the same thing he was saying. I told him my mom and I have always gone out and that she hasn't said she doesn't want to go home. She says she wants to go out and get away for a bit. My sis told me just take her out an additional day and if anyone says anything then address it. In good conscience I couldn't. I needed to know. He said for me to do what I thought was right and what would be best for our mom. I told him I thought doing what we could do to make our moms quality of life the best we can was what is important. I told him if my mom starts or should become problematic I would tell him and I would speak to my mom letting her know I will continue to visit but we can no longer go out. We will have to do things at her home. He was for it, I feel better and my sis agrees. We finally all communicated the way we needed to!!!!!!!!! I am happy, for now!
Blessings
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Hi Linda. I haven't talked to the caregivers yet to find out my mom's mood or behavior when she gets back from our once a week outing. The workers keep changing. I have been thinking of activities for her and I to do at the facility. We do things together on 2 days and on Sat. I take her out to lunch and the park or a shopping store for her to look around and show me what she may need. Sometimes she can't verbalize it but can point to it.

I went to a couple of sites, one being Alzheimers.gov and read up on a few things I was unaware of. And the obudsman of my state site. One of the two sites mentioned that a nursing home, assisted living couldn't confine a person to the facility. I take it as meaning that if the person wants to go out, they can. I will be doing some research to find out if my thought is correct. If it is, my mom and I are going out more than once a week!!! Blessings
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