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I have posted in this forum before regarding my mother who I take to Florida for the winter and have done so for 5 years since she was widowed. She now has memory issues but what is getting to me is her constant gloom and doom. We are back from Florida, I took her to her home and turned her care over to my sister who lives five minutes from her as I live an hour away. I find myself not wanting to even visit right now or help out. I've been the main caregiver for the last five years and the go to for everything and before that was the go to for mom and my stepdad. I am burned out, but the hard thing is my mother is so negative to be around. All she talks about is who is sick and dying. She lives in a small town where there is a lot of gossip and everyone knows what everyone is doing, I live in a city where I know nothing. I'm not interested in the gossip of mom's small town, it's usually negative, sad things. There seems there is no joy in my mother's life anymore despite the fact she has 11 great grandchildren, a church family and a family who loves her. From the time I walk in, she starts talking about who is sick, who is dying, etc. she even does this on the phone. In Florida for 3 month, she stayed in the house on the recliner under a blanket when it was beautiful outside. When our friends would visit she gave them the third degree, asking everything about them. She was bothered by the fact a neighbor owned four cars and commented about every time we drove by. Every time we go to someone's house for dinner, she immediately starts worrying there aren't enough seats for people to sit and eat. She worries if there are enough parking spots. She seems overly concerned about empty stores and constantly comments about them. It's about driving me crazy and I find myself not wanting to be around her. I feel awful feeling that way. She is on an antidepressant and antianxiety med. from the time I walk into her house I start feeling anger. I have been there for my mother ever since my dad died forty five years ago, been there for mom and my stepdad, he passed five years ago, is it I am just burned out and it's time to step aside and just let my sister completely take over? She has not been there for mom totally before but has done better since returning from Florida mainly because I have been sick also since returning. My brother doesn't help at all. Something needs to change, I don't want to feel anger towards my mother. I think she has OCD, of course age appropriate dementia some of these things she can't help but something in me has changed after this last stay in Florida and I don't like me.

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Karbar, the reason that your siblings don't sit in the house (with the curtains drawn, don't tell me) with your mother when the whole family is at the beach is that YOU do.

So don't. See what happens.

And why are you feeling differently towards her? Because you're sick of it. Sick of her small horizons and her constant complaining and her endless needs and NOBODY ELSE ever lifting a dam' finger.

Usually, being "sick of" something is metaphorical. But in the end it can become literal. Yes, hand over. Time somebody else took a turn. Enough is enough. Give yourself time off and see how you feel after a good long break.
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Karbar, I sure can relate to what you're saying. My mom can be sicker than she has ever been in her entire life, moaning, whining about pain, nausea, etc, but, if the right people walk in the door, she's up volunteering to cook them a meal, laughing, showing them her flowers, etc. It's a miraculous recovery! lol She's very down, miserable, but, when the right people call on the phone, OMG, she's laughing, excited, and giddy with glee on the phone. Sounds like she's at a class reunion. But, that stops when she hangs up the phone . I try to just ignore what I can and understand. But, it is stressful, because she snaps at me, when she would be nice to others. I'm planning a get away and hope to have it in place by early summer. That way, I'll only be around for a couple days a week. I hope that might help her.....AND me. lol Sometimes, absence makes the heart grow fonder. 
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Kabar,
Could it be, since YOU'VE been sick since you came home, that her negativity is bothering you more than it normally would?

It's very frustrating when our loved ones won't act the way we think they should. Your mom has gone on a negative jag and, providing that she doesn't have dementia, might benefit from some counseling. We tend to not think of seniors as needing mental help. Seek out a therapist for her and try a couple of sessions. Meds are helpful but, IMO, nothing beats therapy.

You have had a tremendous responsibility of caring for her for many years. Caregivers become worn down and anything can get on your nerves. Might be a good idea to relinquish the care of mom to your sister, especially since she's starting to help out.
It's no good to be a dead hero. Give yourself a break.
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Mom acts one way around me, very needy, of course she doesn't feel well and let's me know it, but a friend or a stranger can walk with in and she changes, suddenly she doesn't feel so bad. She definitely likes to have the focus on her whether it be people complimenting her or just paying attention to her. What really gets me is she lives with my husband and I 24/7 for 3-4 month with all he needs being met but when she has to ask my brother or sister to do something for her she doesn't want to put them out. Every two yeas our whole family goes to the beach, 24 of us, my mother can't get to the beach because of her mobility issues but my husband and ai are the only ones that see the need to stay back at the beach house all day to keep her company while everyone else goes to the beach. I don't expect her grandchildren to give up their vacation to stay with her but my siblings should. It's not fair for mm to sit alone in a beach house all day alone. I'm to the point where I don't want to go, just to give my husband and air a break but then we miss time with our great nieces and nephews. Being a caregiver definitely stinks but is necessary.
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karbar, one thing we need to stop and think about is how small your Mom's world has become. The love of her life passed 5 years ago and that wasn't the retirement they had planned. Mom probably can no longer hop in the car and drive to the mall to have lunch with friend. Chances are many of your Mom's friends have either moved away or has passed. TV shows aren't made for her generation, so only re-runs would be entertaining. But parking lots and empty stores are now her reality.

And you are Julie McCoy, Cruise Director, plus caregiver for your Mom. Not unusual to crash and burn from the physical and emotional exhaustion. Thank goodness you have a sister who is willing to pick up where you left off. It will give you a breather. It will take time to recover from all the negativity that seems to surround your Mom, but that is her world now.
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I feel for you and I hope you can work out a solution with your siblings. The part where your mom talks about who is sick and dying resonated with me. My grandma (in India) would get the daily paper and she would go thru the obituaries- without fail - to figure who had died. We were also in a small town then where gossip was common.
My 82 yr old mom also loves to talk about who's dying (if she can remember the facts), gruesome headline tragedies and dwell on the negatives.

Hang in there and just say no and take time out for yourself - this website has given me the courage to do so.
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Karbar I am sorry you are having this experience. It is good that your sister is taking on some of the care. I found that around other people my mom would "behave" better...but not around "your" friends, more like the respite or day care situation that are geared to working with and focusing on the seniors. My mom had the acute sense that she was not "included" when around others. If someone was not talking directly to her, she could not follow the conversation and would get annoyed and want to leave or would complain about our friends, or even say something "judgy". At daycare she loved everyone because she was being validated all day, even if it was the same comment from different people. She also was very conscious of her appearance and loved to be complimented on her clothes or accessories. As sunnygrl noted there are daycare and respite options in our area, you might look into this so at least your mom is engaged for part of the day.

If your mom is "with it" enough, you may not be able to deal with the anxiety, but you could say to her okay, now tell me something positive. My friends did that with their mom and it made a difference...and you probably have tried some version of this already.

But none of this solves the burn out and yet sense or responsibility your are feeling. So many people note on this site that you have to give yourself some room, a rest, some distance if your physical/mental health is impacted and you have that option. Sometimes it takes the distance to be able to let go just let go a little and pay attention to your own needs and regroup to get to the next best option. Best of luck.
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It's challenging being a caregiver for a person with dementia, which your profile states, You say your mom is taking meds for anxiety and depression. I might consult with her doctor about that, because sometimes, meds need changing or adjusting. Perhaps, that would help her mood. Still, seniors deal with a lot of loss. I see it with my parents. Many friends and family pass away. Grandchildren are sweet, but, they often are busy with their own lives and don't call, write or visit. I can see how a senior would feel lonely or down. Do you think a daily adult activity, like those offered at a senior day center might help lift her mood? I'd explore ways to cheer, her, but, if you have just had enough, I'd explore ways to have others take over care. Maybe, you need a break. There's nothing wrong with that and you should be applauded for recognizing this and validating your feelings.
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Was she like this before she developed dementia? Is this more of same, or something new?

In any case, I think caregiver burnout is a good guess. Could Sister take over for 3 months? See how all three of you are doing at the end of that period. Are you rested up and ready to resume some of the care? Is Sister still mostly sane? Or is it time to consider a different care arrangement?
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