How do you keep the anger at bay while taking care of a mother who is always mean--physically and verbally?

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She's addicted to pain killers which keep her constipated. She is obsessed with her bowels, but refuses to listen to the doctors. They have said they are going to wean her off the pain meds and she flew into a rage. I'm 65 years old and I have no memory of one day in my life of her being well. She has been sick my whole life and now it is unbearable. I'm the only one to care for her. I can't go anywhere, because she calls before I get there writhing in pain and screaming for me to get home. I went to the school to pick up my 7 year old grandson and she called screaming in the phone. She went to bed and won't get up. They tell her to and she gets furious. Everything I say or do us wrong. I cook and clean and she is so messy it is horrible. She throws snotty tissues on the floor and says she can't see.

She refuses to take generic drugs. She won't get on the Medicare prescription drug plan because they won't pay for brand it it comes in generic. When she is in the hospital she is so mean to the nurses and says they are mean to her. They HATE her. They told me they don't know how I put up with her. I say I have no choice. I got her one if the medical alert buttons so that I could at least be able to get away do an hour or two, but she calls and says get home she's dying. I'm exhausted. I have no help. She has a decent retirement from my dad, but she charged up all her credit cards so there's no money to pay for a sitter. She doesn't qualify for any assistance because her income is over the limit even though there's nothing left after bills and groceries.

Am I wrong to be tired of this never ending stess? How do I deal with the guilt of wanting to walk away and never come back? I've never been so tired. I'm 65 with health issues of my own that I just ignore.

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NancyH-I think the answer is twofold. The bad parent does not see that they have treated their child badly. They are narcissists, and are used to being everything be about them. Conversely, the adult child probably had a childhood filled with futile attempts to please a parent that could never be pleased. It is easy to fall back into that old pattern. Unfortunately, if the parent never owns up to their bad behaviors, nothing will really change. They get worse as they age.
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I still don't understand WHY a parent that was rotten to their kids, expect that same kid to take care of them when they're old. And I REALLY don't understand how that same kid, can take it up themselves to help the parent that treated them so badly. I just don't get it. Is it because that BOTH the parent and the grown kid think that all the problems and anguish from the past is going to magically disappear now decades later? That is not logical to me. My husband and I once took our motorcycle out for the day, which is perfectly normal. But what wasn't normal was, we were having a fight at the time. As I sat behind him and was shooting daggers into the back of his helmet, it occurred to me, this is what all married couple should have to do when they're fighting. I was stuck on the back of the bike, no where else to go, trapped. And he was too proud to just go home and not finish the ride he had planned, so he was stuck hauling his wife around. It was like marriage therapy on steroids at the time, and we DID work it out before we got home. It's funny now, not so much then. So, maybe this being stuck with an awful parent and/or an adult kid is like 'family' therapy on steroids. You have to work something out you both can live with, or kill each other and get to spend quality time alone in jail. Hmmm
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You are in no way wrong for feeling the way you do at this point. Caregiving 24/7 is very difficult for one person to handle. Contact her doctor for referral to a Home Health Provider for assistance. They will come and do an assessment and determine what services she is eligible for. Many if not all are covered by Medicare.

You might also check with local services for aging or a church that might have volunteers to even give you a few hours away a week. Taking care of yourself is very important. You are going to be of no help for your Mother if you get sick!

As difficult as it may be you have to set boundaries and just let Mom know you are there for her but enough is enough. By now you probably know when she is just doing things for attention. If you know she is safe, try ignoring her a time or two to get the point across; or let her know you will be there at a certain time.

I pray you find some help soon!
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