I need help, I'm burning out. Taken care of husband for 3 years by myself.

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EMS tells me he needs to be in nursing home. I can't afford to hire help costly.I can't go anywhere only to store ,drugstore and maybe once in while small stores not far away. He doesn't like it when I walk over to visit neighbors,if I do go to store just to breathe he calls me on cell phone all the while. I cannot sleep any more .I lift and cut his food up,help him dress .put shoes and socks on him..At times he acts like he cannot do by himself but seen him do it. My body is taking ahold on me ..he is 279 lbs and I am 122 lbs all his weight is on me while lifting him up.Most of time he can't get out of recliner or any chair or put his legs up on bed.I am totally brunt out and in pain my own self..Don't know what to do..Any advice for me please!

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Marcy I cant imagine waht its like to care for a husband like this I care for mum alone and its very hard.

I just want to tell you that a neighbour down the road his dad had als and his wife nursed him and wanted him to die at home she cared for him at home BUT had 7 very good caring kids and inlaws who ALL helped and STILL last few months she could take no more and he has gone into an ALS home as he was wandering at night.
If this woman who truly loved her husband couldnt cope even with 7 super helpful kids ALL living locally and sharing the care couldnt cope what makes you think you can? unless youre superhuman.

I saw this woman recently and she looked content and healthy she visits him every day and night he gets the best of care and kids visit on a rota hes happy and adjusting well.

I hope this helps you as at some point with every good intention they will need more care.
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Get ahold of a orginization dealing with battered women. They may not be able to help you directly but they KNOW people.....people you need to know since you are a recipient of that kind of person. Doesn't matter if he's done it directly or not--the potential is there........ this group may know a number or a person --------you need to know..... the only answer to my problem (parent) was to turn myself into a really private investigator. Get on that computer and hang onto that phone until you GET THE ANSWERS YOU NEED! God bless you.
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Marcy, take it one step at a time. You've gotten some very good advice above from a bunch of answers. Tomorrow Step 1 is to start making phone calls - away from your husband. Call and start asking for some help in your local area. Let us know how that goes. You can change your situation but you have to take the first step and ask for help.
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He had heart surg, in 1995,back surg 1997, neck surg,,his whole body shut down for 6 months at home take care of him by myself.had seizures,broke his hip, has diabetes neuopathy losing feeling upper and lower, now losing control over bladder, fell so many times he harmed his neck. I have honestly taken care of him since 1995 with in and out home health care for awhile with each incident. But only no all days just come in for PT and check him as long as Medicare allowed. Car is not payed for house value is 76,000 not payed for. Don't know what to do exactly ,he had a mental breakdown put him in lockdown 42 days in April got out May.
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Marcy: Your husband is ill, way too big for you to handle, and has threatened your life. You say you are tired and I can relate to that sooo much you would not believe it, but there is NO REASON to let this keep going on. If his doctor will not sign him into a nursing home, then you need to call your local social services or a hospital and ask if they can help you get in touch with a social worker or someone who can assist you with having your ill husband placed into a nursing home immediately. Let them know that he is almost 300 pounds while you are just over 100, tell them you have cared for him for over 3 years and you have mentally and physically reached your limit and can take no more, you are DESPERATE FOR HELP AND YOU NEED IT IMMEDIATELY! Tell them he has also threatened your life which has you scared to death over what he could possibly try.

You did not say if his medical problem was physical, mental, or disease related but no matter what it is you NEED IMMEDIATE HELP!!!! I might even pick up the phone and call the police and tell them my story and ask if they know how you can get help. You basically can leave no stone unturned in terms of calling and asking anyone and everyone for help.

Have you ever thought about checking yourself into the hospital for exhaustion? It seems like someone should listen to you if you do this. I know this sounds horrible but sometimes you have to be a little over the top to get people to listen to you. By that I mean, CRY, plead for help, say you are sick and need help yourself. I know that sounds terrible but to be honest, I cry easily anyway and have had horrible panic and anxiety attacks so my over the top behavior was real but it made me see that my sister who tries to act so controlled when she feels like she is dying....well she gets no help because she seems fine, when I break down crying because I am sick, I get help.

You are dealing with more than illness here and you need to address that issue as well, your husband is abusive and controlling not to mention threatening and about 3 times bigger than you. He needs to be kept away from you forever!

If you put your husband in a NH using Medicaid they cannot and will not take away your home or your car and I believe you can even keep around $125,000 or so depending on what state you are in. Have you tried calling a nursing home and talking with a social worker or administrator and telling them how sick your husband is and that you are having problems with his doctor not signing him in, yet EMT's have told you he needs to be admitted.....AND YOU ARE UNABLE TO PROVIDE FURTHER CARE FOR HIM? Call a nursing home and just ask it doesn't cost anything to ask and they may put you in touch with a doctor who will sign him in.

You have to protect yourself, mentally, physically and emotionally. You may love your husband, but you cannot take any chances nor should you live in fear.

God Bless You!
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missed the last few posts while I was writing -yes he is abusive, Marcy and you need to get help for your situation. I think the battered woman's shelter is a good place to see look for help as well. be sure to tell whatever agency you go to about what has happened and keep in touch.
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((((((Marcy))))) there are others who know more about this than I do but I think if he goes on Medicaid they can't take your home, Sounds like the EMT's have given you good advice. Have you followed up with it? It is too hard on you to be lifting him and doing all the care giving with no break.. Have you seen the local Agency in Aging and Social Services? Has he had an evaluation as to what he can and cannot do? They may have some ideas about help for your situation., You don't have to answer the phone all the time. Sounds like you need to set some limits - boundaries - to protect yourself. You could tell him that you are going out for example for 1/2 hour to the store, but also tell him that you will not be answering the phone when you are out. You need some breaks whether he likes it or not. If you have seen him do some things for himself, then he should be doing them. It is to his benefit to stay as independent as possible. Maybe it is time to have a talk with him, and tell him you will be taking some breaks, as you need them for your own welfare, and that he needs to be doing the things that he can do.He won't like it -self centered people never do when you set boundaries, but you need breaks. Full time caregiving is a very hard job, What about your doctor? Have you told him/her that you cannot keep on doing the lifting that kind of weight as it is hurting you? Maybe you can get some help/ideas there. As I understand it, if your hubby goes into hospital, you can refuse to take him back, saying you are unable to look after him - which is the case. Then it is their responsibility to find him a suitable place. Hopefully others with more experience in this area will respond.
As a caregiver you must look after yourself. There is no benefit to anyone of your health suffering so much. ((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))) Joan
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Call your county's Social Services and get an appointment for a needs assessment. That is where I started and it was one of the best moves I made. The worker will probably know not only what county programs are available, but all about other resources in the area as well, including volunteer agencies.

Social Services may advise you to apply for Medicaid. You are allowed to continue to own your home and a car. There is a Medicaid program designed to help keep people in the community, out of nursing homes. (In our state it is called the Elderly Waiver program.) Possibly with a lot more help, and more equipment, you would be better able to have your husband at home. If that isn't feasible, Medicaid will cover a care center.

Marcy, you cannot and should not continue to shoulder this responsibility alone. Get financial help so you can get physical help. I think a good place to start is with Social Services.
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Does he have any family who can help? I don't think you have to give up your life and your health to care for him. Find a local battered women's shelter and talk to someone there about your options. Call your local United Way agency or your township office. Or even call the police department (non-emergency number) and ask about local women's resources. But do it away from your husband, so he doesn't hear you. You've been battered and bruised by your husband and you don't have to put up with his abuse. You just have to reach out to local resources to get the ball rolling to find out what is available in your town and locality. Please keep us posted on what is happening.
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Marcy I am so sorry, can you change your Dr? They can not take your home or car if hubby goes to N/H. I also believe you are able to keep up to $100000.00 in cash or other valuable assets. They will take hubby's SS and give him a small allowance but I think you may be able to get some of the SS that is set aside for spouse. look it up or ask SS the aging care group will have lots of answers for you and don't be afraid to make use of any resources nearby such as food pantries and Social services. If your income is small you may qualify for quite a bit of help. If you get hubby into N/H and you are struggling financially put your name down for senior housing. It is generally subsidized but the wait may be quite long
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