How do we deal with a caregiver who has become too attached to our parents?

I just let my dad's caregiver go a couple weeks ago (one of them). She was very sweet and was great with dad as far as his dementia went but she overstepped the boundaries of care giving and it was my dad that asked me to let her go. So I believe the advise that you got to "ask your parents" is good. My dad would joke around about firing this care givers but when he asked me to let her go he was serious. She had borrowed his tools and he didn't like that. She was bringing her sons over and he didn't like that. And I didn't like the fact that she didn't "hear" me when I told/asked her to do things. She came to "visit" on her off day. There were other things that happened that were strange that bothered me.
I agree that a daycare (if you mean children) person would not have the experience to know what may be happening with your parents (ie my dad had a stroke and his care giver knew what to do). And so hiring a person experienced with aging issues might be more beneficial.
I find it strange that she stayed the whole time the cousins came to visit. Yet, if she was being paid to be there that day and she left would she had been paid still? Perhaps it comes down to that.
It is tough to know what another person's motives are. When a care giver tells my dad "I love you" and they just met 3 days ago my "spidey radar" goes off. When they are willing to do "extra" w/o pay it goes off again. I guess I am not a trusting person because there are people in our life that are not trustworthy (ex family). So I'm on guard.
Talk to your parents. And talk to the care giver. And if necessary, talk to her boss at the agency. It's tough being an employer if you've never been and don't like to be in charge of people. I never wanted to be a supervisor and yet here I am. If she hasn't been a care giver to elders long it might just be inexperience.

I am seeing a big red flag in your post, kembrett. Just like BlackHole said, be alert for the possibility of fraud & financial theft. I am speaking as someone who has experienced this with my parents.

kembrett, this is a caregiver support group. From what I read, you sent the caregiver away for 2 hours while you bathed your father. When she came back you noticed your mother's oxygen was off, so you turned it on. Then you blamed the caregiver for not turning it on while only you were there to do it.

There's something with you attitude that makes me think you're a difficult person. You want a domestic who will say yes, ma'am; no, ma'am like an old-fashioned housekeeper. Many of us would appreciate the person who is working for your mother and father. She sounds like a personable and dependable caregiver. I'm sure she is protective of your parents and mother-hens them. She spends a lot of time with them and probably feels a close relationship. IMO that is a good thing.

Since you are concerned about the quality of care she is providing, perhaps it would be productive to suggest to the agency she works for that she receive some training in caring for the elderly, specifically in the areas where you notice deficiencies.
You did come off as being a bit condescending with the comment about the visitors. She should stay in attendance until she is dismissed by your parents or whoever is in charge. A simple statement from you or your parents like, "Sweetie," (I'm joking there), "you can go out for an hour while our visitors are here," doesn't sound like too much to ask. And if you don't want her there when visitors are present, don't schedule them during her shift.
She may be the best person the agency has for your parents. If improvement is needed, try to work on that without denigrating the ability she does bring to the job.

We can all see this differently and we do and all have had different experiences. My experience is they are not me can't do things the way I do but I pay them to do a job. I have had some that care and did a great job I had others that all it was was a job. Admit no one will ever do anything the way we do. I do things so different than my sister yet we both love our mom. But missing her oxygen is a big thing. I would get annoyed also with the way she talks to them most parents don't talk to there kids like that. I would just be honest say what you expect and want from her and go from there. I think her staying when the relatives that hadnt seen them for 50 years was smart she doesn't know them she was doing her job looking out for your parents. You told her not to come back for 2 hrs so she asked if you were still there you can see that anyway you want she at least asked. There is never an easy solution but ask your parents there obviously competent. My mom has short term memory but she tells me if they fall asleep on the coach. So they know just ask. And remember no one will ever do what you do and how you do it. I know I'm the same way but we all need a break I've been doing this 13 yrs with mom now more constant since my dad passed in December. As for my sister we moved her in right next door to my mom so she's the main care giver and has been for about a year and a half so she does things her way and I do mine my way it all gets done and we both love mom. The people that relieve us 2 days every other week not always my cup of tea but I know she does well with my mom. Everyone has an opinion good luck

We can all see this differently and we do and all have had different experiences. My experience is they are not me can't do things the way I do but I pay them to do a job. I have had some that care and did a great job I had others that all it was was a job. Admit no one will ever do anything the way we do. I do things so different than my sister yet we both love our mom. But missing her oxygen is a big thing. I would get annoyed also with the way she talks to them most parents don't talk to there kids like that. I would just be honest say what you expect and want from her and go from there. I think her staying when the relatives that had seen them for 50 years was smart she doesn't know them she was doing her job looking out for your parents. You told her not to come back for 2 hrs so she asked if you were still there you can see that anyway you want she at least asked. There is never an easy solution but ask your parents there obviously competent. My mom has short term memory but she tells me if they fall asleep on the coach. So they know just ask. And remember no one will ever do what you do and how you do it. I know I'm the same way but we all need a break I've been doing this 13 yrs with mom now more constant since my dad passed in December. As for my sister we moved her in right next door to my mom so she's the main care giver and has been for about a year and a half so she does things her way and I do mine my way it all gets done and we both love mom. The people that relieve us 2 days every other week not always my cup of tea but I know she does well with my mom. Everyone has an opinion good luck

So thanks for all of your input. By the input it can go both ways. This caregiver works for an agency that has boudaries and rules that this caregiver routinely ignores. I'm no talking about firing her and I don't believe we should know caregivers on a "friend" or personal level. She is a person in my Father's employ. Observe the boundaries and all is well. It has nothing whatsoever to do with me disliking her personality...it has everything to do with executing her duties and observing boundaries...this would include not sitting in a chair colouring in her colouring book while my Mom's O2 is off her for whatever period of time.

Well, thank God someone cares for your aging parents! Of all the nightmares out there, this kind of person who actually cares is among the very select few among many who actually care because many don't. Yes there should be boundaries though. You can set boundaries without being hateful because you don't want to drive away the actual help you need especially during this time. There are so many caregivers out there and so very few who actually do it from the heart, and it sounds to me like this person really does care. However, you really do need to take precautions that it doesn't go beyond caring and into coercion and wrongful gain to steal family inheritance.

What you can do is express your appreciation that she actually cares enough to take care of your aging parents.

Also acknowledge her past experience as a mother and daycare worker.

Express your appreciation for her position in life and how far she has come.

Thank her that she has cared enough to care for so many others and even your parents. What you may want to do is to guide her as to when it's time to step away and just give it a rest. If you have her contact info, let her know that you will call her and that again she needs to know when to step away. What you can do is if you're expecting family over to your home, I would go ahead and relieve her first and send her home before calling your family. This is how I would handle it. If she won't leave, you can have your visitors back you up after a private conversation about what's going on. Just ask your guests to please help and if they care enough about you, they will step up to the plate and support you in any way needed.

I don't know if this caregiver is a professional or not, but professional caregivers are not going to want a bad name and definitely not a bad report getting back to their boss

Bottom line - who does/cooridnates the caregiving on a regular basis? If your sister appreciates her availability on short notice - I suspect she's the one who has to figure these things out on the fly...That is stressful...Having an available person to step up is a HUGE relief. What do your parent's think of this person? If they aren't offended and maybe even enjoy the attention, then there's no harm. Who's paying for the help for your parents and is anyone prepared to pay more for "professional" help when the current arrangement suits their needs for now? As long as the gal is not a "live-in", can you not just plan visits when she's not there? If you are going over to see your parents when she's "scheduled" to be there - you do realize you are shoo-ing her out of wages?

The caregiver sounds as if she has difficulty recognizing boundaries. When a caregiver is working in a private home there can often be a false sense of intimacy or familiarity. A professional caregiver will understand this and behave accordingly.

I'm with you when it comes to icky pet names like sweetie, honey, etc. And don't get me started on the word "potty"! This may be a habit leftover from working with children but it's patronizing and condescending and the caregiver should stop with the pet names.

And finally, do your parents like her? If they do then that's all that matters.

She doesn't notice mom's interrupted oxygen supply....but she's "right there" when dad has a cowlick. FAIL.

Noxious personality aside, she is unqualified. Lack of training. Lack of manners. Lack of common sense.

I am not dissing her childcare background. It is important work. Everyone on this site who has raised kids understands those challenges. An important difference here is: In her previous work environment, her clients' abilities increased as she invested time in them. That's the natural arc of child development. Whether she is conscious of it or not, this is her ingrained expectation.

With elder care, the pendulum swings the other way. No matter how much she fawns over your parents, they will get worse. Their medical needs will increase. Their assistive needs will increase. That's the sad fact of aging. There's no "reward system" to improve COPD or reverse muscle wasting. You can't cajole away congestive heart failure.

And transferring a 170-pound adult on/off the toilet is completely different than shooing a toddler into the restroom. Let's see how sweet she is after gets a rotator cuff injury during "tinkle time." Actually, let's not.

Her open disrespect for you is also a red flag. Ignores you when you ask her to speak to adults like adults. Disparages you to the front desk staff. This can only get worse.

Her possessiveness with your parents is inappropriate, too. Caring is good. Control is bad. She has no business grandstanding during a family visit. Your parents' social interactions are not about her, yet she wants to make them about her. Hmmm?

Perhaps she's ingratiating herself so that she can fleece your parents. You don't want to learn the hard way that they co-signed a car loan for "that sweet girl." Or let her use their credit cards. Or re-wrote their wills in her favor.

You would do well to start working on a replacement. Quietly, of course. It's touchy, because your parents are sucked in and your sister likes her. (Or your sister likes disagreeing with you.)

Who has the ability to hire/fire here? Are you POA? Is sis in charge? Who's paying?

It sounds to me you might be a little jealous. Accept the behavior for what it is and appreciate it. I know it can grate on your nerves. We have a house keeper one day a week and she stays 8 to 10 hours. She fawns over my husband, puts his bib on, wipes his mouth when he is eating, cuts his hair and manicures his toes. When she comes in to work about noon, she first fixes lunch. My husband is the king and I am a second thought. It bothered me at first but it makes my husband so happy, he has dementia and I don't fuss over him like she does. It gives me a days rest from caregiving and I appreciate what she does. She can baby him all she wants too and he eats it up. So try to use the woman to give you some needed relief. I mean this in only the nicest way.

Observe established boundaries... Which are what, exactly? If you feel that what your parents actually need is a discreet, self-effacing servant, good luck with finding one of those. What they have is a caregiver whose personality you don't happen to like. But if your parents do, that's what matters. Is this actually about your disapproving of your sister's choice?

There's nothing unreasonable about her expecting to be introduced to family members. On the contrary, what if your long-lost relatives had been left thinking "who was that rude woman who was in the apartment and buggered off the second we arrived without so much as a 'good morning'?" Then again, first you criticise her for failing to notice a problem immediately, then you criticise her for trying to remedy it once you'd drawn attention to it. She can't win, can she? The way you describe events, it does rather sound as if this poor woman is scared stiff of you. And you can't then be very surprised if she's rolling her eyes and hoping not to encounter you.

You don't have to like her, but do try to be less frigid and more appreciative of her efforts. You will then be better placed to discourage her from doing (I agree) irritating things such as addressing your parents as though they are slightly dim infants and spitting on her hanky to wipe their faces (eeuw!)

Nope. You need to find true licensed caregivers for a caregiving job. When they become needing care more, a daycare person will not know how to recognize when and how to help your parents. Worked for a family that had a housekeeper taking care of their parents besides the experienced caregivers because they had her for 10 years and she would happily come in for an hour or two. The mother fell 3 times when the housekeeper was with her because the housekeeper didn't have the training to understand people who ambulated with walkers always needed someone watching at all times. She would leave the room. The housekeeper was never let go because she was a "family" housekeeper. EMT personnel knew the parents by name. If you want that kind of care, by all means keep the daycare person.

My thoughts take them or not... If she is good with your parents then so be it. Who are the cousins that have not seen them for you said 50 yrs to say anything???? So she is super attentive to them GREAT, be grateful that's a rare thing to find!

^^^. Yes, what do your parents think of her. That is what really counts here.

My Dad fired so many very decent caregivers...finding one that he got along with was a major issue. It is completely possible that you would go through a large number before finding another your parents like. Be careful what you wish for.

You obviously do not like her fawning over your parents....but...you are not on the receiving end of this. Talk to your parents.

Also, your sister having someone to count on to cover on a minutes' notice is a great benefit. Are you prepared to do the same while a search goes on to find a replacement that meets everyone's criteria?

Sorry to sound harsh, and I do get that it grates on your nerves.....but consider the possible alternatives.

I get the feeling that you need to look at the two sides of this. She does seem to be getting too mother-hennish, but some of the things you said were rather aloof. If she is not being professional in her duties, you may want to fire her and hire a professional. Your caregiver knew childcare, so her behavior toward your parents doesn't surprise me. What do your parents think of her? That is important. I read they are in independent living, so I imagine they are still competent.