How do we deal with a caregiver who has become too attached to our parents?

Since this caregiver uses nicknames, e.g. "honey," "sweetie," and "little one" and also uses "baby talk," e.g. "do they have to go potty?", that is reason #1 to relieve her of her duties. Terms of endearment are used  and acceptable by people close to the loved one! I would slap myself upside the head if I ever called anyone but my husband, family member "honey!!" Placing her licked palm on your father's head/hair is reason #2. How demoralizing that had to be for your dear dad, not to mention unsanitary! Trying to override what you were already doing with the cannula is reason #3. The giving of the water by her before the cannula was on by her is reason #4. I commend you for doing so well and I'm sure you already knew reasons enough to relieve her of her caregiving duties. Kudos to you! I would have had to say "STEP AWAY FROM THE BED/CHAIR-NOW!!!"

Kembrit, I didn't know your parents were feeling uncomfortable with this caregiver. By all means find somebody else! Just because your sister is happy that she will fill shifts at a moments notice is no reason to keep someone that your parents are uncomfortable with. They come first! Thank you for caring enough about them to want to ruffle some feathers!

Perhaps what's putting some noses out of joint is that some can only wish they had this problem. Some can't even begin to dream of having any help with their LO at all, much less one that may cross caring lines. If your parents have a problem with her behavior, and as long as there is consensus, and agreement amongst yourselves to pick up the slack until a suitably fit caregiver is identified, then let her go. It's a no-brainer. I'm sure somebody will scoop her up and be elated to have found her.

No you are not at all being rude. You have reason to be concerned and asking advice and input is not rude at all.

No, you're not rude and you're looking out for your parents. I think it's fair to say there's a whole lot of caregivers here who wish they had a sibling as involved as you are. My advice to discuss this with your sister stands, though. The two of you are going to need to be a united front as things become more and more complex as time goes on and your parents decline. The line walked dealing with caregivers can often be complex, as well.

Both my parents had a main caregiver at different times and then a number of revolving caregivers to fill in additional shifts, vacations etc.

My dads first full-time caregiver was amazing. She was however, fresh off of losing a grandma and both parents - and this did nag in the back of my mind. My parents had moved into IL after both had a health crisis. My mom fully recovered, my father did not.

Mom resumed her 101 activities and was gone a lot. Daddy was pretty much apartment bound and depressed at the loss of his own 99 activities. Recipe for disaster?

The caregiver and my father became very close. She also did a lot of extra work that wasn't in her contract to look after my mom - all the laundry, 75% of the meals - including making meals for my mom whenever she was home, looked after my moms beloved cat - and the cat box, and kept the apartment spotless- housekeeping was never my moms strong suit. When I told the caregiver she didn't need to look after my mom and do my mothers chores she'd reply "if your mom is happy - your dad is happy". Seriously? What a jewel! Still, when the caregiver left for the day, she always gave my dad a little kiss - and it always made me cringe. But I learned to look the other way and to just accept it. 

About the time we hit the year mark things started to get tense between the caregiver and my mom. Mom was jealous and territorial. The care giver - just territorial. The caregiver was about my age and I thought if anyone was jealous- it should be me - and I wasn't.  Still, it put me in an awkward situation as honestly I sided with the caregiver- I mean, the caregiver spent way more time with my dad than my mom did. The caregiver always put my dads needs first - my mom, not so much.

The caregiver and my mom began to have little tiffs over my dads care and I tried to stay out of it. But one of the things they were at odds over was what my mom was feeding my dad when the caregiver wasn't there. My mom was ignoring all my fathers dietary restrictions and it was making him more ill. I admit I sided with the caregiver on this one which didn't go over well with my mom. My poor dad felt stuck in the middle - trying to keep them both happy. Should daddy have sided with my mom? Probably. But I got why he didn't. The caregiver had become indispensable to him AND she was the one giving him attention, cheering him up when he was down, fussing over him.

So - the caregiver quit, saying she was moving to another state where her BF had a job offer. My father took it hard. Almost immediately my father started to decline and about three months later he was gone. Coincidence? Had his CHF run its course or did the fact that his heart was now broken emotionally do him in? I don't know. But I think I could have handled things better.

The irony here is that a year later my mom had a caregiver who completely dotted on her. She catered to my mothers every whim, tut-tutting at every complaint my mom had over her health, her loss of her car, her noncaring children ( insert eye-roll here) and mom was getting all the sympathy and attention she resented my dad getting. Me? I kept my mouth shut unless it was to be supportive of the caregiver and my mothers love of her. The only time I said anything was when I met up with mom and her caregiver for a doctors appointment. The caregiver was mini scolding me - she had just come back from two weeks off and my mom told her that I hadn't visited even once. I replied "you've gotta stop believing everything she tells you".

So long story short - if you find someone whom your parents like and even if the work they do is only adequate - even if they bug you to no end, learn to live with it - and be thankful you're not having to do the job!

No, you are not rude. Trust your gut.

Gees louise! Someone said my post was rude...rude? My post was a question that is all. I asked for ways to deal with the situation that benefit my parents. I am integral in their care taking shifts myself I am not just standing in judgement of her. So many responses here personalize this. Kelly09's post is right on. The caregiver's behaviours are more about "ownership" of my parents. Both my Mom and Dad have told myself and my sister in confidence that this caregiver acts like she is a part of the family. They are afraid to complain for fear of outcome including my sister telling them how hard it is to find a good caregiver. I know it is...I live everyday working with these agencies who have either no standards on experience to very rigid standards. The care she has recieved by this caregiver and others from this agency is turning my Mom into an invalid. I simply asked a question and I am rude?

It's a tough situation isn't it

Let's face it, no one knows or cares about your loved ones as much as you

I have agency hired caregivers with my mom 12 hours a day which consists of one that's been with us 18 months and two others for a year on and off and about three who constantly change to fill out the shifts - our housekeeper also visits her once or twice a week

Since mom generally doesn't like anyone new and certainly not anyone helping her during tinkle or worst bm time, I've learned to overlook a lot

Since mom is still quite vocal and feisty I'm more interested in keeping the folks who will keep her clean and dry even if they're annoying than the ones who say everything is fine and then I find her in a soiled diaper

That said, I have spent time with the primary ones so they know how I handle mom and they can learn her ways too

She sounds like a great answer for you, but you really need to appreciate her more. Yet there may be red flags, and you should watch for them. You and she should be on the same side in caring for your parents.
My aunt and uncle had someone coming in to help, mostly to schmooze with, who was very gregarious. I nearly flipped out when he asked them to adopt him (he was over 60!). I knew it was their money he was after. When my uncle passed away, he insisted on being the one to escort my aunt to the funeral, not any family member. This caused her to ask him to not come back. He was already pointing things out to her he'd like to inherit someday!
Make sure your communications with your parents continue so you can tell if the caregiver is turning them against you so she can get whatever they have when they are gone.
On the other hand, she may just be that rare person who's not in it for herself, but truly does care. If so, make friends with her.

Dear kembrett,
Oh wow. This sounds exactly like a caregiver I had for my parents who I later found out was not treating them well. My parents were afraid to tell me. My advice is to find another caregiver. She would call my Dad "little one & honey" all the time.  My inner voice told me this didn't seem right - I work as an aide myself & would never treat my clients this way (A professional Aide always keeps boundaries) but my parents seemed fine & well cared for so I didn't say or do anything about it - I regret this terribly now. Also, I found out this aide would get my dad to pay for her groceries when they went grocery shopping together.  When they were at the store, she would always say "please honey, pay for my stuff & I'll pay you back" but she never paid him back.  He later told me he was afraid of her and scared to tell her to pay for her own groceries.

My mom told me later as well that when my aunt would come visit, the aide would just incorporate herself into their private conversation as if she were a family member. My mom just went along with it and smiled because my mom was also afraid of her and afraid of any conflict.

I totally agree with Elderchamp. I experienced the exact same thing you are describing.  Please don't wait to do something about it. 

It is very, very hard to find a caregiver who is thoughtful and attentive to aging loved ones. Keep this caregiver - but if you want to see what the average caregiver is like, then hire one from a legit agency on a short-term basis, like one day a week, for a month, then you'll understand and appreciate having a caring person tending to your parents. I had to go though - multiple - caregivers before I found one who truly cares about my mother. This caregiver has a history of working with disabled children and adults. She's also a young mother of three kids; Girl Scout Troop Leader; Soccer Mom, etc. I'm so, so thankful she came into our lives because I know my mother will be safe in her care when I have to leave the home. She's a born nurturer and a genuinely kind person to the aging population - both a rarity in modern living.

You are fortunate to have someone like this. Caregivers that get along well with mom and dad are hard to find. Who the heck do these cousins think they are interfering in your parents care this way? Care for your folks is none of their business.

I've hired hundreds, maybe thousands of employees over the course of my professional career - no exaggeration. For three years with a large department store and one with a national specialty chain that's what I did. I moved around, helped open new stores, got them up and running- employees trained and then moved on and did it again. The other 30+ years in retail and HR it was xmas help, summer programs etc - anyhoo- 

If I had two employees and I had to lay one off - one, really outstanding at the job but only worked part time and was super ridged with her schedule- the other competent, nothing special and even slightly annoying BUT would come in at a moments notice and was willing to work any and every shift --- guess which one I'd keep? Yep - in a heartbeat I would decide to keep Miss Available. Hands down.

Being able to count on an employee who is willing to work under those circumstances is worth their weight in gold - even if their performance is merely adaquate.

As others have suggested if it's your sister who does the majority of the care overseeing and she's the one working with the caregiver agency- than this needs to be her call. But certainly you should talk to your sister regarding your concerns and ask her to look into it. Then let it go - even if it means grinding your teeth every time you're around the employee.

I would imagine your sister likes her because she provides needed relief from caregiving. You obviously have no idea what it is like to find good caregivers today...ones who actually care about their patients.
To be honest your post is quite rude. It appears you view her as uneducated and beneath you. The bottom line is do your parents enjoy her? As for the relatives that haven't came in years...exactly who cares what they think. If you aren't a part of their everyday care, back off and let your sister handle things.

Wow, people are stirred up about this topic, and quick to take sides.
Seldom are these situation just back or white.
There are a lot of people with a stake in helping your parents, and all may see their roles and " boundries" differently.
You say she has no training " but she's a mom so some things are just taken".
So she is acting like a mom with your parents. Because that's her expertise. She is talking to them with her idea of being kind.
You don't say how ill your parents are, or if they can even communicate with you or her.
Should she talk to them as children or spit their hair into submission. Not by your standards.
But why is it such an issue with you? If she is kind, compassionate, reliable and acting like a mother to them, why are you so angry?
You hired her bacause her experience as a mother, not because she had take courses in professional boundies.
Boundies with the things you are focusing can have some stretch.
We are not talking about abuse, stealing, or otherwise endangering mom and dad. Those boundries are set and inflexible.
Parents moving towards death leave us feeling overwhelmed, frightened and feeling helpless. This is not something you can control or change.
So there is no perfect way to do this.
The question is only are your loved ones getting what the need?
If you want a professional relationship with formal social boundries, beyond all else, then hire an RN. If you can afford several hundred dollars a day, and can even find anyone who will do this work.
Own your fear, frustration, and anger. Get someone to listen and help you with your feelings.
This helping your parents at the end of their lives is hard, hard, hard.
Going to war with this woman will not be helpful to you or your loved ones.

I agree with Eyerishlash, what do your parents think. Are they capable of making that assessment? If you feel she isn't right for your parents you should look for someone new. I can understand her concern for staying with your parents when your cousins arrived after not seeing them for 50 yrs. they may have seemed like strangers to them and she was being protective of them at that point. Which would be good. Sounds very southern honey, sweetie to me.

I can see the argument to keep her just to make your parents and sister happy, but what if you have all these red flags you've ignored and she goes and does something really careless?

How long has she worked for your parents? Is she fairly attentive and observant, or just enthusiastic? Can you possibly hire a second caregiver for "back up" and give the new person a try a few hrs a week till you decide how to handle things with the current caregiver?

To give her the benefit of the doubt, maybe she thought it was rude to walk out of the room without acknowledging the people there, and maybe all the “honey” talk is just her way. However, putting her saliva on your dad's clean hair would have been the limit for me. I have not seen anyone do something like that since the late 1970s. Who does that anymore?! To me that demonstrates a lack of boundaries as well as an act of possession. It is wrong on several levels.

As someone else mentioned, your parents’ needs will increase -- you will need someone reliable, trustworthy, and observant who will openly communicate with you and your sister. You also need a person who has good judgement. Is that the vibe you are getting from their caregiver?

My mother passed away 3 months ago. She would NEVER accept any type of help till the police were finally called by my father’s social worker. Then she went away in handcuffs for continually beating the tar out of my dad. I'm grateful that she spent the last months of her life in memory care. Among professional people who knew how to care for her. Finally an end to her pounding on my dad physically and on my door at midnight (we live next door to each other and she tore down the fence between the properties). My mother could have driven the Devil himself to drink! May she rest in peace. Now I am the sole caregiver for dad, who is 94. I am completely alone with this situation. My husband is over 800 miles away - we cannot yet live together because of his work in the city he lives in (to which I want to move) and my commitment here to care for the parental unit. My only sister is over 1,500 miles away. I'm almost 65. I still work full-time. I have migraines that are getting worse (gee, I wonder why??) I desperately need help at least one day a week. Someone to just drive dad around - take him to Wienerschnitzel for lunch, to Costco to pick up his prescriptions and just generally get his focus off of ME. He flat out refuses to transfer his prescriptions to somewhere that I can get to on a M-F, 9 to 5 work schedule. I have crowd-related anxiety and refuse on all grounds to go to a COSTCO IN LOS ANGELES on a Saturday; I am not a masochist and am determined to take care of myself as much as possible. So dad has 3 choices: (a) move the prescriptions; (b) take a taxi; (c) go without. That’s it. But I am absolutely terrified at the thought of someone coming in and calling him "sweetie," "honey," etc. Dad is lonely and starved for attention. I get it. The problem is, he will give money to any woman who panders to him - and let’s face it, most caretakers are women. Tie-in to another post here: my dad is now throwing his soiled diapers directly into the trash bin outside. Dear God - the stench and the flies! He does NOT have dementia and he DOES know better – if I put my cat’s dirty litter directly into the trash, I’d never hear the end of it (hmmmm, maybe I should just so he can get a whiff/experience what it smells like). But the thought of some woman coming in and calling him "sweetie" while cheerfully wrapping up his dirty diaper in a plastic bag and then having him slip her a C-note every time she does it is more than I can bear. He is not a millionaire. He’s just ripe for the picking by someone who preys on the elderly and figures out from Day One that his wallet can be had in exchange for a big, fake smile and telling him how cute he is. The male ego! He still gets on a boat and goes DEEP SEA fishing with buddies less than a half or a third of his age a few times a year. They literally carry him on and off the boat. Every time he goes, he comes home and tells me how great the guys are. He says “all the guys said hey, give me a call anytime! I’ll take you to Costco!” LIP SERVICE. He would never call anyone to ask for help and they bloody well know it. They do not reach out and call him. They all come from a culture that pretty much sees women as being placed on this planet to serve men – especially Eldest Daughter. So as long as I’m still in service, no one much gives a rat’s a**. If I die before dad does, they’ll all just be like – oh, well – that was her job, after all. Good daughter! I’m sorry, this got really long. I’m just venting and I hope that’s OK. There is no solution to this unless I am willing to take huge risks. I’m so grateful to have a place to come and write it out. Where there are others in the same “boat,” ha ha. No pun intended. I pray several times a day for strength. To be patient, tolerant and kind. To understand that the problems associated with extremely advanced age are not something he wished for. I'm just tired to the marrow of my bones. YIKES. ONE DAY AT A TIME, right??

I've been a nurse 40 yrs, which included Private Duty nursing in peoples homes. The relationship between caregivers & family is a delicate balance. 1) It is in the patient & families best interest to find, and keep, competent caring help who is also punctual & dependable. That sounds great however, anyone reading this probably knows that bundle is NOT easy to find. Therefor, all family needs to try hard to get along with the caregiver(s) & attempt to make their jobs as simple & pleasant as possible. 2) It is in the Caregivers best interest to make the patient & family happy, comfortable, & confident in the behavior & decisions of that caregiver. If the above two are not kept in balance frustration, probably on both sides, will increase to the level you are currently at.
Problem: a) You want caregiver to stop treating parents like children, b) You want family to have more privacy when visiting with parents, c) You want Caregiver to stop talking & treating parents like a child.
Solutions: a) Have family only meeting (include your parents unless you think it will stress them out too much) & decide if you want to try to work things out with current caregiver or find someone else now. (No matter that decision, still do the remaining suggestions). b) Type out a Caregiver / Family Contract, with what family expects from the Caregiver [ EXAMPLE: * Speak to 'client' as an adult (NO baby talk...). * NO gifts are to be given to or received from Caregiver & client/clients family (this includes everything except special occasion card...), * When family arrives, there will be a short Report given between Caregiver & family to update each on current care & any pending issues, then the Caregiver is to go ___________ until _________ (the Caregiver will / will not be paid during the time the Family is caring for clients & Caregiver is not.
c) NO cellphone use while on duty, except _________. d) TV use is for client, & is to be on channels that client desires. e) Fluids are to be offered to client(s) every 2 hours.... f) Clients meals are to be prepared by __________ . g) Caregiver is expected to arrive shift within 5 minutes of start of shift ________ , and leave shift within ________minutes of end of shift _________. h) Caregiver is to not have her family, friends, ... in clients room or around client during work shift or any other time, except __________.
i) Client(s) family member __________ will pay Caregiver a salary of $______ every _________week/week(s) . Also Caregiver will receive bonus pay of $_______per hour of work on ________ Holidays... j) Family has provided __________ place for Caregiver to store her personal meal/food brought for that days shift. k) Family has provided ________ place for Caregiver to sit / stay /... while family is visiting. l) Family has approved Caregiver to adjust air conditioning/heat controls to keep temperature between _____________ .
Things to Remember: Never yell, curse,... at the Caregiver whether alone or in front of others, and Never allow the Caregiver to do the same to you or the clients. The Caregiver is your employee, be a boss any Caregiver would love to work for (Caregivers often know other Caregivers so you getting a bad reputation is not in your benefit). Competent, punctual, available on short notice, caring, fun, loving, clean, intelligent Caregivers, that make the client smile and the day go by quicker are difficult to find. It is usually best to try to work out any problems, and learn to compromise a little (Caregivers are people too, & also have families, get sick,..) is usually in the family's best interest, plus in the client's best interest because they like familiarity and tend to dislike change.
If your situation does not improve, find someone else.
Also remember, if you want professional work, hire a professional.
Obviously always be on alert for any signs of Elder Abuse (Google it), whether the Caregiver is a male or female.
I wish you all well.

Are your parents happy with her, because I guess that is what really matters. If not and she really bothers you that much, get rid of her.

Janny57 - you can buy little pieces of hardware- sometimes called "hold downs" but any employee in the window covering department of a Lowes or Home Depot will know what your mean - theyre single function in life - the hold down, not the employee - is to keep mini blinds down and secured in place.

Forgive me for saying this - but she's with them all the time - are you jealous of her feeling so attached to your parents? If you can't or won't stay with them 24/7, maybe you need to be thankful that you have someone caring for them and about them.

I thought you were going to complain about stealing and laziness - but this doesn't seem to be the case.

BTW, I ask my DH all the time if he needs to wee-wee. Same with eating and drinking. And I must assist him any time he leaves his chair so he doesn't fall.

If you're really concerned about how she treats your parents when you're not there, invest in a camera. Otherwise maybe a "thank you" is in order.

I speak from experience. There are two ways of looking at this situation. First of all, if she does a good job and takes good care of the patient, that is a plus. Perhaps she doesn't know she should step out when family is present. We have no idea how she was brought up. I would politely tell her you want some "private" time with your patient and she should respect that - if not, make it plain to her in firm words - she must excuse herself. Perhaps at the end of the visit, you could include her in some coffee/cake time before the visit is over. On the negative side - and only time will tell - some caretakers will deliberately endear themselves to the patient to such a degree that they have a hidden motive. I was friends with someone and was her guardian and POA for 28 years. In the beginning someone like this literally "took over" (I worked full time and looked after her at night and on the weekends) and before long I discovered some horrible things, i.e. she was being paid cash by the patient AND getting checks from the patient (being paid twice for the same work). Eventually I fired her and her son came and threatened me (I was terrified) until I told him I would discuss things with the attorney and get back to him. Well, he ran....he had a long criminal history. End of that. Then later someone managed to extort about $l00,000 from the patient an wrote a large check and cashed it. After six months of sheer h*ll, I got the money back into the patient's account. So what I am saying is: it might be genuine caring and a desire to "share" in the family atmosphere OR it could be someone wanting to eventually take what they can get. I can't tell - but beware is all I can say.

When the caregiver speaks to your parents with those phrases and terms you mentioned, it is called Elderspeak and VERY DEMEANING. The caregiver is not demonstrating ethical care or dignity to your parents when she talks to them this way. Also by doing this she is creating a pathological dependency in them and this is a precursor to elder abuse. I would not continue to employ her. Your parents are vulnerable. You need to be very watchful. I have seen elder abuse before and it starts with emotional exploitation.

Castle...your response was so thoughtful and inclusive of both sides. I can relate to your wanting "home" as my own mother passed away 20 years ago. I tried to maintain "her" home they way she did. One of the things hardest for me is seeing "home" deteriorate as I cannot maintain it anymore (I'm 60 and tired) and care givers rearrange things and do things "their way" . I just asked dad's care giver to not pull the mini blinds all the way up, leaving the window completely uncovered. "We" never did that as it is a West facing window and the sun beating in makes that room hot. "She" loves the light (the washer and dryer are right there). But yesterday dad asked me "who keeps pulling up the blinds on that window?" So, I asked her to please not do it. I would come in and let them down, next time I'm there (every other weekend) they are up again. She said "Your dad and I like to look at the roses outside the window, but I'll do it your way." The care giver I let go volunteered to wash the drapes. I said ok. She "lost" 2 drapery panels and a tie back!! She had no clue where they went and when she hung up the others she hung them up wrong. (so my "moms" house now has no drapes on that window and I cannot match them as they are older).
I guess I'm trying to say....It's all just so hard. And yes, we as "the employers" need to take into account the care giver and their motives. BUT at the same time, you hear the horror stories about a care giver "getting close to elder" and then they are stealing from them.
It's so hard and it lasts so long.

Have you sat down and talked to your parents caregiver about the boundaries you think are appropriate? How often do you care for your parents? How often do you visit your parents. Sometimes caregivers can't do anything right to some members of the family. I was caring for a client whose family had come over to visit and I stayed out of the room so they could have some privacy, well her son wanted to know why I was not in the room caring for his mother while they were there. I would talk to your parents caregiver before I would dismiss her.

Concerned about her not noticing the oxygen. That sounds like incompetence and directly affects mom's health. The rest may be indicative of irritating habits/ personality, or may indicate more, as a few have suggested and need careful watching. Maybe it is time for a good talk with the agency about the issues you have with her. The over familiarity/personal style, if it is just that, is aggravating but, in itself, may not be enough for serious concern.

As a retired RN of over forty years I have learned that there are many ways to care for others. You certainly hit a nerve with others here.
It's hard to to know how to take care of parents. It causes a lot of worry and second guessing. When we feel unsure it gets easy to try to control more and more things. It's exhausting.
It also needs a team. A team with different skills and abilities.
You have you parent's best interests. It sounds like you want them to have kind and competent care. And you are willing to make sure they get it. You are loving and capable.
The aide's gift is that she is patient, caring and nurturing. She's not an educated, health professional. But even if her communication style irritates you, do the things she brings to your parents care make their lives better?
You have framed this in your mind as a boundry violation. You should always be alert for this, but boundries can have some give.
If she is verbally abusive, neglecting her duties, is physically rough or abusive you need to act now.
If her behavior irritates you, but the care is safe and compassionate, can you let her be part of the team?
Can you sit with her and validate her good points, then talk about exactly what you want her to do? Just the do, not the do nots.
Those on this site who are telling you things could be worse are warning you about how hard it is to find caring help.
Listen. Let go of every harmless behavior that grates on you, focus on the care, and be clear with expectaions and validate the good things. And stay vigilent.

Do you have a position description for this person?
Do you have performance standards that are clear and explicit?
Have you ever set out what she should do in unexpected situations, such as a visit from a family member?
Do you have a clear payment policy,e.g. does she get paid when you ask her to leave?
Did you interview several persons before she was hired?
Have you had a conversation about this caregiver with your parents?
Is she honest or does she steal from your parents?
If your parents like her, would you be willing to find a training program so that she could improve her skills and knowledge of the elderly?
In closing, I feel that your nose is pressed to the glass about this caregiver. You need to step away and evaluate what she brings to the table as well as her shortcomings.
Unless you make your expectations clear, she will not know what you expect from her. Caregivers are not mind readers!
Good luck

There's an inherent conflict in the roles and nature, for caregiving works best with a relationship, and if a caregiver is there over a long time, and acts attentive and friendly, a bond will grow between them and the elder. I find this is healthy, it helps a caregiver feel needed, useful, helps them be alert to any changes, and to help the elder cope with changes that might otherwise give them anxiety.

Not easy for family, but they can't have it both ways, and sadly, some tend to speak as if they can, as if they can be there rarely, yet judge and criticize a person who is.

For the family, there is a sense of intrusion into their world - but they are the ones who said, caring for this family member is too much for me, I want outside help. My stepfather was able to live on his own for about 10 years after my mother died, because he was helped by a full time caregiver. We all knew we were lucky that she was available, and the one brother most closely connected to our stepfather, was grateful and kept in touch and respected her.

The rest of us... I hated the way she decorated the house at Xmas - our mother loved natural decorations, for this woman, glittery plastic was just fine. It was hard for stepfather to talk for long, or very loud, so visits with him, involved her sitting in, and translating or speaking for him....

Life has so many dimensions and change is constant. I only visited once a year or every two years - yet it was still hard for me, for when I did make the 7 hour drive, I was eager to renew some old family connections and feelings of home that would be familiar and protect me - instead I felt I was arriving in a stranger's home. She would have listened to him, and would tell me how he often praised me, as if I was her daughter too - yech!!

Years later, I regretted any signs I had shown of my folly, difficulty recognizing a changed situation and new person, and let go my understandable but unrealistic longing for a home after my mother had died. When I became a home caregiver myself, and developed close and helpful relationships with several elders, kept them motivated, healthy and growing much longer than expected - I took pride in my work, and my elders became friends in my own life.

I've discovered with a shock - that an aging caregiver can be a pretty lonely person, for those wonderful seniors, that were not "ours" to begin with, but sometimes for 3-6 years, became "ours" in important ways - they all died. I've gone to some funerals, and realized with a shock, that even though the elder knew, cared and trusted me, the family didn't know me, and suddenly I was nobody, in a home that I had helped take care of for years. Years later, I ask myself why I'm not very sociable - and realize, I had close friends with a long series of elders - I count myself fortunate, and i always worked to maintain boundaries and respect for all - but as I succeeded, I felt part of things, and then families move on, stay in touch with each other, and have nothing to do with me. I tend to think that humans are naturally designed to live in villages, stable villages over time, so that different people can fill different roles as needed, and not be cut off as our professional leaders expect.

Last note, I found the best caregivers for my disabled brother, whom I placed 5 hours away from me, in country settings. The best caregivers who reassured him and noticed changes that could disrupt his progress - were those who took a particular interest in him, one borrowed videotapes from him. Meanwhile the professionals would not lift a finger to help him, after the clock struck their hour, drive past him even if they saw him walking outdoors to get home in bad weather. I understand boundaries, we just need to find ways to include humanity, care, love, respect for all parties - along with them.