Should I back away from my verbally abusive manipulating dad?

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I am 52 years old. I have several siblings who cut off ties with my parents years ago. My sister and I have taken care of my parents for years. They set up a living trust with her and I as the beneficiaries/executor of estate. My mom died recently in a nursing home. My dad was abusive to the family, but he has always been treated with respect. I moved in for 6 months to care for him, but had to leave due to the state of the house (he inherited it from his mom, never cared for it, has holes in ceilings, drains dont work in most of the house, etc). He insists of staying, so once I moved out I have visited daily after work to make sure he eats and clean the house. He has started calling me a thief, liar, yelling at me, etc. It has gotten so that I get sick to my stomach just thinking of going there. I am still not all moved out, and have to go to continue taking my things out of the house. One brother started going over every few weeks after my mom died, and he is now questioning why I have control over the bills, etc. I have explained to him my dad takes care of nothing, I do it all and also pay some of his bills because he does not make enough from his pension and SS to cover his debt, but my dad has started telling him I am stealing his things. I contacted one of my sisters, and she thinks I should just ignore it and keep taking care of things or we have to put him in a nursing home. Am I wrong to back out of this situation? I am usually a strong person, but at this phase of my life I really dont need the added stress to my own personal situation (divorce, finances, etc.)

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Thanks Eddie. I think you are absolutely right. Its not going to be easy! I have already moved out, but didnt know it was going to blow up in my face or I would have taken it all at once. I still have antiques, winter clothes and a cat there.
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Finish packing your things and let that brother of yours know that you're looking for volunteers who don't mind verbal floggings to handle the finances. It's time for someone else to clean up after him.

You've done more than enough, but it seems the only thing your Dad respects is power. Respect is a two-way street, so don't be so subservient and stand up to him if you decide not to move out.
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Thank you for your response. The last time I had him to dr, a few months ago, she did not feel he did. He's just mean and nasty basically. One of the problems I have is I still have items in the house from when I moved out, and with the change of the locks recently I cant even get at my own things due to his paranoia. Its a big problem! I also still have a cat in his house, and cant get the darn cat because he is so skittish he is hiding. What a mess.
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This is a tough one. It sounds to me like your father has dementia. Has he been checked for it? These types of behavior are very common for people with moderate dementia. I often think that they feel uneasy about something that is going on in their lives, then look for a reason to explain their uneasiness. They can get it stuck in their minds that a certain thing or a certain someone is the cause of their problems. For example, if they can't find a purse or wallet, then a certain someone must have stolen it. Or if their bank accounts start showing signs of age (low balance), it must be that someone is robbing all their money. The caregiver, being the one there, is sometimes cast in the role as the thief. Either that or there is some secret entity doing the evil deeds. If people do not know the truth, it can certainly cast a lot of suspicion on the accused person.

Your father will most likely continue to be difficult for a while. You probably won't be able to control his behavior, but just decide what you need to do. If he does have dementia, it would probably be best to plan for a safe place for him. People with dementia need help taking medications and preparing meals. If he does not have a lot of money, you may want to begin researching what is available through Medicaid.

You are not wrong to feel like you want to back out. It would be better, though, to set something up so that you could pull back and be comfortable with it. You and your sister can work together on making a plan for your father. Most likely your father will fight you every step of the way initially, so you may want to make plans about what to do in the future without letting him know. There's no reason to start stirring the pot too early.

Do you think he has dementia? Some parents won't go to the doctor to confirm it, and we can't make them usually. It would be nice to have a firm diagnosis, however. It would let you know what you need to plan for.
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