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Due to you asking if she had been turned. Was it wrong for me to get attitude with her? This caused huge problem and words exchange don't expect her back.

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Well, if you got an attitude with the caregiver there's probably a better way to discuss your mom's care with her then putting her on the defensive. Even if the caregiver wasn't performing to your satisfaction there are better ways of going about speaking to her about it than copping an attitude. And like the others commented, the tone you used with the caregiver speaks volumes.

However, a caregiver should never say to the family that they're being too picky. It's very unprofessional. She may think that but while in your home caring for your mother she should be giving 100% and keeping her thoughts about you to herself.
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'Too picky' is a red rag to me, though I agree that Pam's question is a good one. Though actually, even if - let's say, just for the sake of argument - you said something that made the caregiver thought she was being 'got at' I still think that, as the professional, it's up to her to reassure you and not up to you to tread on eggshells around her perceptions.

Yes, tone is important; and yes, I hope we are all - at least on a good day - well-mannered people who are careful about how we speak to others. But… "too picky…"

My SIL used exactly that phrase when we were discussing respite care for my mother. It's horse poo. There is no such thing as 'too picky' when you're discussing standard care procedures.

What would I say to her? What I did say was "define 'too picky', please." Only that's slightly cheating because, again, tone of voice is everything and I have to admit that mine not have been completely warm and cuddly. What would I say to a paid caregiver? Probably, as nicely as I could manage, "excuse me? There are things we need to make sure get done, and I'm checking. Is that too picky?"

I find it much easier to be constructive and keep my temper with outsiders than I do with family members; but with this lady you don't expect back, it's up to you. If you think she's basically good and you'd like her back, call the agency and explain there was a misunderstanding and you'd like to clear the air (I don't think you need to apologise - unless you went on to accuse her of being ugly and having bad taste in music or something). If you can't stand her at any price, then good riddance.

"Too picky." Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr….
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Was it posed as a question or intoned as an accusation? Tone is everything.
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Sandy, was this person from an agency? If so, call the agency and describe, as unemotionally as you can, what happened and ask them to send another aide. If you hired privately, then you need to look around again and get good recommendations from friends, family, church people, etc. Aides who can't explain what they are doing and why they are doing it, not needed with our loved ones!
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Being a paid caregiver myself, I am there to meet the clients needs... if she needs to be turned, which is a good thing on any day, then I would do that.... talking to a family member like that is unacceptable..... if the family member is totally unreasonable, that is another matter.....but still would not handle it the way you described..... good riddance I say.... you are paying us to TAKE CARE of your parent....we do that, and anyone that has any sense knows a bed bound patient needs to be turned. Sorry you got one of the bad ones.
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