I've been accused of stealing, lying, and a host of other issues. Could you share suggestions for dealing with this situation, please?

Shadow, first of all... your mom texts? How cool is that? ha Second of all, what does your mother think about all the drama in the family? Does this ruin your relationship with her, or is she on board with you? A lot depends on the answer to that question I think. Because if mom is ok with you, and the poison isn't ruining your relationship with her, then I think I'd let the rest go. I tend to worry about the one that's the oldest and is the most vulnerable right now, and that seems to be your mom. You just may be needing to get a thicker skin and tell them to 'bite me' at some point. Kudos on your son being awesome. That's a reflection of good parenting, so who cares what the negative nelly's are saying?

The only solution that I would ever have in a situation like yours, where relatives make you feel like nothing but shit, and include your kid in their malice...divorce them out of your world. Family? What family? That isn't family, that's a group of bullies. Who respects a bully? Good freaking riddance. What's DNA got to do with anything? If they're losers, they're losers and that's that. Be done with them once and for all and life will be good...

The last time I was accused of stealing, I whipped out the financial records - on the spot, since I kept them clean as a whistle - and the checkbook, said, "You have 72 hours to tear those to shreds. Then I need them back .. here, sign for them .. so that I can continue with my duties." When I got them back, and I did, I asked, "WHY did you think such a thing of me?" I got NO answer. To this day, I have no clue, but those people aren't in my life, either. Trust is a two-way street. We can speak all the rationales in the world about why we keep people in our lives, but in the end, it's our own sense of well-being that keeps us in whatever relationships we're in. When those relationships no longer work for us, it's time to close that door and move on .. either emotionally or physically .. or risk our very health and stability.

ShadowChild1,

I am guessing that with your line of work, you have gotten some therapy at some point in your life. If you are not already way too familiar with alcoholic issues, I would recommend Al Anon, where you can learn how to protect yourself from the "stinking thinking" of people under the influence. Even relatives who don't drink to excess are prone to "alcoholic" ways of reacting. I found it enormously helpful.

What is the main problem right now? Are you still feeling wounded by how you were treated? That sort of pain can linger for years, I know. Are these people interfering with your life today? Do they call or write with their poison? How can we help you?

You certainly are not alone.

I agree with Nancy that your Mom is the only one who matters.

Thank you for your comments. The issue with my mother is that she is with the rest of the others when she is around them, but is usually somewhat loving with me when they are not with her. She deliberately hid my Dad's living will, but rarely visited him as the doctors requested.Dad suffered. Eventually the doctors stopped talking to anyone but me, and I did not have POA. My mother did. I have attempted to divorce my family ( Good Suggestion, Standing Alone ) . My older brother, the doctor, has apologized for what he put me through, and we are on decent terms. I think both of us have Mom's best interests at heart. She has become a hoarder and has always been narcissistic. A lack of reality is not present with her, but it is not always present with my older brother. That's what cost him his license. He would not listen to any of his peers or follow the rules.
I taught children with emotional issues for 35 years until I had a stress related heart attack two years ago. I am beginning to feel that I am in the middle of a classroom of adults with emotional problems. My mother is amazingly well and active for someone her age, she acts like she is 70, but has decided her age allows her to be as mean as she wants to be. Alcohol plays a large role in all of this situation.
Basically, a great deal of cruelness has been displayed in all of the people involved with the exception of my older brother. His second wife left him when his medical license was placed on a lapsed status. He is someone who needs as much love as possible...really more than my mother. He just wanted to save my father even when Dad didn't want to be saved. It wasn't out of cruelty.
I am the main person who is able to help Mom and will do so with as much love as I can. I have been ripped apart by all of this and have been diagnosed with PTSD. I just need to hear I am not alone as a caretaker, and these answers have helped.

My family is somewhat crazy too and aging and dementia makes it worse. Keep your head up, protect yourself, get some support, and try to put the drama in perspective. Their drama does not have to be yours. I know easier said than done- but you are doing the right thing by your mother and in time you may be required to do more. You need to take care of yourself so you can take care of her.

Thank you to those of you who answered since my second post. Yes, I am in therapy for the PTSD which started way before Dad's illness. I was very ill when I retired unexpectedly two years ago from teaching. I was given a partially sighted dog who has helped so much. We have rescued two more dogs. I am going to add some of your suggestions to my growing list. Their drama doesn't have to be mine. I will remind myself and others of that when situations occur. Jinx, you asked what I need now. You are correct when you guessed that I am still in pain. The little brother I helped to raise sent me a text that instructed me to never contact him again, ever. Also, I wish someone knew my side regarding all of the accusations. No one ever accused me directly to my face. It was always in texts and emails. I think I could put this to rest if I communicated my side of the story in some way. I don't want to have a relationship with many of my relatives anymore. They have hurt me too much. I have a strong support group in ,my friends and church. I just want to close this chapter in my life, look after my mother when I am needed, and begin a new life. My son has graduated from college and has married. He communicates with my mother and oldest brother but is indifferent to everyone else. They have lost his respect. He is emotionally healthy. I am working toward living a new life. Any help given will be greatly appreciated.

In your shoes, I would probably want to communicate, if there are one or two somewhat open-minded relatives. Talk it over with your therapist before you send anything, of course.

It might help you to write up what happened, what you were accused of, and why you did what you did. Even if you never send it, putting it down formally and rereading it to try to make it accurate and calm might be a good exercise. If there are a few people worth talking to, and if you decide to send it, use snail mail. No one will be able to resist opening it and reading it.

The more I hear about other people's families, the less dysfunctional mine looks! I am so glad you and your son are doing well.

I've seen some of you on the Caregiver and Dysfunctional Families thread. It is one everyone should check out. I absolutely detest that word bully! I have been, and from the sounds of it others have as well. And I have been accused of financial exploitation by sibs. They went so far as to call APS, and mail a letter, that I got a copy of several months later that actually spelled out specific examples of how I was exploiting! I had never been so shocked in my life that a sib would outright lie just to gain favor themselves, while trying to make me look like a criminal. It will come back on them shortly, and they will lose all credibility. The letter does show their level of desperation, I'm almost afraid to learn why in the world they would do something like this. What are they trying to hide?