What does a caregiver do when they are about to lose it?

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I know the Christmas season and all is a stressful time for everyone. My stress is a buildup of caregiving for 3 years all by myself with NO relief and feeling guilty for any little break that I may take away from the house, like the grocery store, etc. cause that is all it has been..........My Mom is turning spiteful. She sets and pees in her Depends and when I ask if she is peeing, she says "well, I need to go." She is as able to get up and go as I am!........After a bout with pneumonia a month and a half ago, she used me and played me by having to lift, tug and carry her to the bathroom and bed, until I almost got down myself. My husband and daughter watched her and when I wasn't around close or in another room, she did it herself. I mean I was carrying, lifting and the works, on the pot, wiping her, changing her Depends and everything..........So now she is doing it in her Depends and she knows she is and then she ignores me when I tell her she needs to go change them. I told her today, oh, there's no need, you've already went and she just set back in her chair and started rocking. If she has to go while she is eating, she just sets up straight in her chair and pees herself!! She has it written across her face and I can tell from her actions.........If my eyes even look like they are looking for something, "what are you looking for?", umpteen times a day........I put on my coat to go feed our animals "where are you going?", umpteen times a day, even going outside for something.........My daughter needed something, can't remember what is was, and it usually lays on the bar that is our room divider. My Mom said to her "what are you looking for?" My daughter told her and she got up and took her into another room and showed her!!!! Not where me or my husband or daughter had put it or left it. I'm guessing where she put it!!! Me and my husband are always accusing each other of losing stuff and it's not us, we find out. It's a wonder we haven't had a big blow up over this and she is the one doing it. My husband has been so supportive of me taking care of my mom, but now it is affecting me and my mental and physical help. Does anyone have any helpful hints or ideas of what to do when you are just a smidgeon from losing it?? Please help!!

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Captain, good question. Hard to tell by context. I think it is an "or" situation. Either a Nursing Home for Mom or a Nut House for caregiver.
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standingalone,
Nursing Home or Nut House ?
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When you start to feel certifiable ...it's time for a NH!
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If you possibly can, get her out of your house.
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Yes, you need a vacation, you are burning out. She is clearly resentful about anyone having control, so like a five year old, she pees her pants. She is rummaging through your things. These are signs of advancing dementia as well as anxiety. You need boundaries to protect yourself. She is not resentful of her granddaughter, is it possible to assign more caregiving chores to someone she is not battling with?
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I completely understand. My MIL (alzheimers) gets angry when I leave for any reason. (I always have someone sit with her because she can't be left alone). Yesterday, I went to beauty shop for a badly needed cut and color (lol) and she started "pushing my buttons" to keep me from leaving. I was exhausted from her tirades before I even left and seriously considered staying home which is what she wanted me to do. Well, I did leave - was gone 2 hrs. When I came home and walked into her bedroom.............she had pooped on different spots all over the floor. It was her way of punishing me and in this instance I believe she did it on purpose. (BTW, she told the sitter she was going to her room and wanted privacy for a few minutes so the sitter didn't even know about it).
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Your profile says that Mom's primary condition is dementia. Her behavior is certainly consistent with that. Dementia does not get better (although some symptoms may improve) and it does progress.

Dementia often includes being very self-absorbed, not being able to see things from others' point of view, being unable to learn learn behaviors, a regression to early times in their lives, hiding things, taking things that belong to others (often not being able to grasp the concept of ownership), repeating questions or stories over and over and over, and doing things that seem spiteful for the sake of having some control.

It isn't going to get better. It MAY help you to understand that this is a part of her illness. It MIGHT help to learn more about dementia.

It would definitely help to get some respite. You need to have some time to yourself. You and your husband need to have some time alone together. It sounds like it is time to at least get some in-home help. Is there an adult day health center for persons with dementia near you? And it may be time to consider having Mom live in a "memory care" center where you could go and visit her and be the loving daughter and not the day-to-day hands-on caregiver.
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