Caregiver abandoned us 2 days ago. I hired temp help in the interim of finding new perm care in house. Mom is refusing to cooperate. Advice?

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Last January, I hired a caregiver for my 92 year old mom with moderate - going into severe - vascular dementia. They hit it off and within 3 months mom really accepted R***. R*** was very good at what she did and had a routine down with mom that worked well. I also treated R*** like family. The better I treated her, the more I noticed the last few months she felt comfortable enough to flip on a dime and yell at me, throw things, and then sob for HOURS. I even took R*** to a doctor with my mother in tow in the backseat! (R*** canceled the appt for herself anyhow) - She has been giving me red flags left and right. And poor mom. It is hard for her to warm up to people and she literally loved Ruby and depended on her, trusted her presence. r*** began telling me she fantasizes about slitting her throat in the mirror and has determined how she will kill herself someday by jumping off a bridge. i always knew she was a little "off" but i thought she was just immature for the longest time, and she never, ever hurt mom. mom liked her a lot. knowing this, I should have fired her on the spot. But, no... in my bad judgement I told her she probably had a chemical imbalance and I would give her a vacation or whatever she needed.... I had never seen her hurt mom and mom could still tell me if R*** hit her or something. Mom never did. She loved being with her and finally trusted someone. So... I waited because I had nobody else, and 2 nights ago R*** began flipping out on me while my mother was asleep. I asked her to tone it down before she woke my mother and she kept yelling anyhow so I told her let's not do this anymore. I will find a replacement, just please don't leave me high and dry until I get one. she agreed. The next day, I took mom out for awhile to give her a break. She told me via text she would be back at 2. That was 10:30 AM. By 11:30 she wrote that "circumstances changed and I will not be returning. I left the key and the garage door opener on the baker's rack." That was it. Nothing else. It is like being the toll collector on a busy drawbridge and saying, "hey, see ya, good luck!" and throwing the door open and leaving the traffic piled up. I consider this abandonment. She did not come from an agency. she was a personal hire privately who gave me tons of great references, resume, the whole nine yards so I have no recourse but i feel very betrayed. It is a cardinal sin in the world of caregiving to desert a sick client that relies on you. I scrambled and got help the same evening coming in from an agency, so for the moment, things were okay. then the next morning after mom woke up to the new girl, I walk over after a bit - 2:00 pm to be exact. Mom is in her nightgown still. No wig on no make-up, crumbs on the kitchen tablecloth, mom is walking alone (this can't happen) through the house wearing her SHOES UNBUCKLED with her heels coming out. Bed isn't made... Now I don't want to complain because in reality, we are getting a different girl today at noontime. But the thing is, mom wants Ruby. She said she doesn't want a stranger in the house, and by having to bring in temps, they are all switching days and hours and everyone really is a stranger. i ended up writing a 3 page schedule or routine for mom for each one to read, but bottom line, mom won't cooperate with them. she was up until 9 last night (bedtime is 7) with her shoes on and fully dressed and argumentative. And for the first time ever, she said she was going to talk to dad about this (he's been dead since '09) and she will also have a word with her mother! Then she called me her cousin. I am her only child. She has never done that before. Her eyes looked "off" to me and I ended up having to give her a mood pill before bed just to settle her down. I told her we would talk about it in the morning. Well, now it's morning and the girl just texted she won't take her morning pills. I'm like, come on... this is getting crazy. I will find a perm for her here in the next couple of weeks, but obviously it will have to be someone really willing to earn her trust and understand dementia. I am a nervous wreck and at the end of my rope. If R*** could have just maturely said I am giving 2 weeks notice or whatever, I would have had a degree of respect left for her, but to literally desert mom in a sneaky tricky way like this... is unforgivable. I am glad she is gone. She turned out to be nothing like what she acted like for the first 8 months. But I had to call the doctor, figure out the pills, and get an expensive temp agency in there fast. I am stressed to the max right now and mom is rejecting everyone that comes in. Advice?

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Happens to a lot of us; on every other forum I've been on, we have the option to edit our posts and can delete out information we might later prefer not to have provided. But this forum doesn't allow us to edit our own posts.

I can certainly understand your frustration; you've been through a lot.

You can write to the admins here:

https://www.agingcare.com/contactus.aspx

You're in a similar situation to others, trying to do the best for your mother but meeting with opposition head on. It's a really tough position. There comes a point at which someone has to recognize that he/she has done all she can on a particular issue and needs to focus on her/himself before she/he becomes ill as well. I think you're at that decision point.

It doesn't mean that you need to give up on caring for your mother. Just change your approach and tell her you've done all you can; you just don't know what to do any more because she isn't working with you. She might have a fit, become angry, provoke a situation, threaten, or who knows what. Then tell her that she knows you can't take care of her, what exactly is it she expects you to do for her? Then leave, go home, and let her think about it.

Dementia can prevent her from thinking clearly, so that might not be a solution. But if part of her actions are behavioral, she just might realize that she's not helping herself by being so uncooperative. With dementia, it's hard to tell - it's not easy to factor out the irrational activities.
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Well, maybe the admin could just delete it. Again, I was on a rant. I don't post a whole lot, at least I hadn't until recently, and I wasn't thinking. Last thing we need is a scam artist coming on the scene. how would I ask for the admin to delete this? I just wasn't thinking when I put the name. It wasn't intentional. i'm just exhausted this past week. It feels like it's been 3 months.... mom just WILL NOT accept anyone else, any other outside help, and somehow, in the name of everything holy, my period just started again, just like when I was young... same cramps, everything. I know my hormones are whacked out and I need to go see the doctor, but it came on literally the day after mom's world (and mine) fell apart... So, long story short, please admin, delete this post as 'names' weren't put on with deliberation.
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Nikki, my thoughts were that there's enough information on the site to figure out who the parties are. E.g., you have a photo of your mother (google has photo matching capabilities, so someone might figure out her real name, and even trace farther to determine where she lives).

From your profile, this can be gained: You're 49, your name might either be Paula or Nikki (so someone can search for your mother by photo, and a daughter named Nikki who lives across the street). And you both live in Palm Harbor, FL.

Ruby has mental issues; perhaps she's seen a clinic, but she would likely have a family, somewhere.

Your mother is a vulnerable person, even if she is feisty. Your post has already been picked up by Google, despite the fact that this is a secure site. Some skilled in Internet tracing could spend some time to locate you, your mother, contact you pretending to be a compassionate caregiver, and scam both you and your mother.

My concern is for the protection of all the vulnerable parties from online predators.
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Nikki, your mom already been diagnosed with Vascular Dementia, so I'm not sure I understand your comment about " obviously, dementia". The good news is that many geriatric psychiatrists are good at figuring out what meds, in what dosages work for elders with kind of behavioral symptoms your mom is exhibiting. Good luck!
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Seeing a person specializing in geriatric psychiatry does not automatically mean "dementia." Such people treat the entire range of symptoms and diagnoses as other psychiatrists, but for elderly patients.

You are right to be excited to have this option. It should be very helpful. But don't anticipate the conclusion before you hear it from the doctor.
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GardenArtist: Good catch!
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Gardenartist, I didn't think I gave her last name on here? But I understand. Sorry!
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Nikki, may I suggest that you not name specific caregivers on a public forum? I was concerned when the former caregiver who left abruptly was named and I see it's still being done. Not only are these people entitled to their privacy, but it's just safer not to mention people by specific name.
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update: Mom's temp caregiver, Marlene, called me tonight to tell me she is a contractor for visiting angels. she said that she sees how hard I'm trying with mom, and that if she leaves before our permanent caregiver arrives 1st week of Jan, mom will decline with another "strange face" and she won't do that to me. she told me she has the choice (not the agency) on how long she stays with mom, and that she will stay with her until Holly (new perm lady who is a long-time friend of family) gets into town and she will buffer her the first few days. I feel like Christmas came early right now. Now, if only mom will settle down.
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NYgirl, Xanax doesn't seem to touch her. Sunnygirl, I'm so overwhelmed just because I keep getting phone calls from the temp agency that mom won't let the caregiver help her and keeps saying "you need to leave"....
Anyhow, today went at 1:30 to dr. appointment. Deliberately withheld behavior meds to see how she'd act. holy cow. she performed (out performed) herself. She got to the point where she stated to the doctor, "I'll just get a gun and kill myself~" OH GREAT! Now the doctor says take her to the emergency room for a psych eval NOW.... and if you don't, I will have the police at her home at 5 to escort her. Now, 5 min later, mom doesn't even remember saying that. 20 min later in the waiting room at the hospital, she doesn't remember the doctor's visit at all. I'm thinking we are screwed they will Baker Act her - somehow by the Grace of God they didn't though. We were there SIX hours and finally she is on SEROQUEL 25 mg for 2 weeks until we can get to a geriatric psychiatrist for her, which I am actually excited about. We will see how she does on the Seroquel. She calmed down but was slurring her words a little 30 min after taking it... uh oh? I helped her to the bathroom to change her depends. She tried to put on a new pair OVER her pants... that's a first... but all I know is we have 2 weeks on Seroquel and in the meantime we see a person that will specialize in GERIATRIC PSYCHIATRY which obviously means Dementia. Just thank God. I'm fried and my period even started again today. I haven't had it for 2 years and am 49 years old...
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