How do I take a 3 day weekend with a mom who is unwilling to let me go?

One of the hardest things to accept is that we often cannot get our parent's blessing to do what has to be done. It is still the right thing to do.

Does your mother do everything you ask her to do? I doubt it! I don't know if you have kids, but we ALWAYS have to deal with making kids do things they don't want to do.

Your mother will rant and rave and guilt you like crazy. That is her right. You still have the right to do what you need to to take care of yourself.

You can deal with some of the guilt by expressing sympathy to her. "I know you don't want me to go. You are worried you won't be safe and happy without me to take care of you. I have arranged for you to be OK without me because I love you, and I need to keep you safe. I know you will be taken care of. You're still unhappy, and I'm sorry about that. But I still need and want to get a break. I'm sorry you are not happy about this. Maybe we can do something special together when I get back. I love you, and I'll be so glad to see you when I get back."

Can your mother be reasoned with? My father cannot be reasoned with. I mean, he will say, yes, he understands, and then behind my back, complain to everyone how I'm a bad daughter to do it. That I should be home on all my free hours - anything that is work-related (within reason) was okay. Anything else is not. Oooh, he was very very good at using the guilt trip on me. Works most of the time until I speak to my other siblings who tell me that I need a break, etc....

So, if your mom is like my father - unreasonable when it comes to understanding that just because we're caregivers does not mean we're their slave/personal maid....then nothing that you say to your mother will make it easier.

One of the fears that father had was that I would visit my silbings and will not come back. He told me this. So perhaps between now and your break, continue to reassure her that you will be back.

Would calling her once a day be something that you be willing to do? To be truthful, when i go off island for 2 weeks, I'm literally on vacation. I refuse to call home. I have 3 other siblings back home who just need to do their share while I'm gone.

Thankfully your brothers are finally stepping up, albeit for a mere three days so you can have fun at your river place with your son. GO! Enjoy every second of it! I would tell your brothers to ONLY call you if there is an emergency, but otherwise you stay incomunicado . Seriously. You need the break, and three days is hardly a real break. In fact, I think you should schedule a longer break and simply tell your brothers.

Taking care of an elderly parent is exhausting and demanding. Perhaps your brothers will finally get a small taste of what you go through daily.

As the others have said - GO! Many seniors became narcissistic and want everything to revolve around them. Some have been that way all their lives. Just tell her what you are going to do. You don't need her permission, or even agreement. She doesn't have to like it. You need a break. Please let go of the guilt. It seems to go with caregiving, but is not rational. I am glad your brother's will step in and help. I agree with Perseverance - take more time away. You need it. 3 days is hardly time enough to unwind. ((((((hugs)))))) enjoy your time away.

Perhaps if you schedule more time off it won't be so difficult for Mom to accept and understand. You are off then you come back. She will see it as more of a routine. If you can afford it every month for overnights and once a week for a day only excursion.

Thanks everyone for your responses to my question. Mom was happier today because my brother took her out to lunch. We'll just have to wait and see how this weekend goes, but I'm excited to get a break after so long! I actually won't know what to do with myself being free from her after a whole year!!!! Thanks again.

tomcat, you say "mom I'm taking a few days off to spend with my sons, so you get to spend some time with your sons. See ya when I get back. Have fun mom". Then you pack and leave and stop worrying about how your brothers are going to take care of their mother. This will be a good thing for her AND you. Win Win!! Have fun.

Having experienced a similar situation, I would recommend that you absolutely do the "get away" with your Son. I often caved in, and as I look back, caving into feeling guility will not improve the situation and will likely feel totally "stuck" and isolated. If you have your brothers available, employ them, and talk with them about how you are feeling. Get them on board, and explain to your Mother that "as a matter of fact" that you are taking "x" weekend off with your Son. You need it, and things will be okay.

Yep, totally agree with Emjo and NancyH in content and approach. Matter of fact, take off, have a good time. Bye, Mom. See ya in a few:) xoxo