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My mother has diabetes, heart disease, as well as kidney disease. Her health has been declining for the past couple of years. She ended up staying in a hospital for over a month, and they suggested we take her to a care home so she'll have better care. It's been almost 6 months since she's been at her care home and she likes it, but now the head nurse has told her she might go home?! My mom is in need of oxygen 24/7, she has trouble with showering and cleaning herself up after going to the bathroom. The problem is is she does it herself because the staff is so understaffed, or they don't come fast enough or are careless. I have seen this myself. They don't even change her bedding until we complain. This is the closest care home facility to where we live, and she knows that if she does go home, it's a paradox, because in the end she might have to stay at the care home again after so long. Her health isn't that bad anymore, but she denied dialysis, so I assumed the carehome would have no problem taking care of her. She is wheel chair ridden, but she doesn't need help with feed herself. Other daily life things such as going to the bathroom, showering herself, she has major trouble. My husband and I think this is a ridiculous excuse for her to go home, as we all know a care home is where she is most cared for, and more safe. I took care of her this whole time, and the head doctors told us she would be better at a care home, so why the heck are they kicking her out?!

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@countrymouse wow. You read my mind, thanks so much for being clear and direct to me, and I understood fully what you mean by feeling bad about not being able to cafe for my mom
In my household. I just hate that my mom was the one to give me the news, and that it felt unprofessional being that they didn't direct it to me, but like you said, the head nurse might have just said it to her as a compliment rather than assume she's not as important, but that she's still strong enough to have care out of a nursing home. My mother and I have been care givers for both of my parent's parents, and it got stressful and I admit I started freaking out when I heard it the way I did, about her getting a chance to go home. Nonetheless, I have made an appointment with the head nurse as well as social services if they do decide to take her out. The care home she is in is great, and is only 15 minutes away, and this is her home town, I'm sure she wouldn't want to go to another home other than her own if given that option. I'll update ASAP for all of you to tell you how it went.
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Anna, who's paying? Her insurer?

I think you might be jumping the gun. If you ran a care home, and your staff were run ragged looking after other people, and a bed was legitimately occupied and paid for by a resident who didn't need much attention, would you want to kick her out? Wouldn't you treasure her, rather?

Everything depends on the context in which the head nurse made this comment to your mother. Don't go in with all guns blazing: ask for a review, and get the story straight with the head nurse herself - it could even turn out that she was just paying your mother a compliment!

But if, for example, your mother's needs (which after all include maximising her independence for as long as possible) would be better met in an ALF, would that be a possibility?

Being a caregiver is incredibly stressful, we all agree. But the other thing you're worrying about, that your mother might be turfed out to live with you, cannot happen without your consent. So don't give it. If it turns out to be literally true that the NH don't think she meets their criteria any more, they will still be obliged to find her a more suitable alternative before she can leave. That won't be your home unless you agree to it - you fold your arms and say no.

I'm about to bring my 90 year old mother home post-stroke. She's currently in a very good rehab unit. I was freaking out earlier this week about caring adequately for her at home, but I've just spent most of today being trained in moving and handling, accompanied her to an outpatient appointment, and at the same time got a closer look at the (very good) staff's routines.

They suck. Not from the level of care delivered, but in comparison to the one-to-one attention she gets at home. I don't keep her waiting 15-20 minutes to get into bed when she's exhausted and in pain, because I'm not seeing to a patient who's worse off and in more pain. It isn't easier for me to leave her in a diaper than to run and get a bed pan at the double; not least because I speak Mother-ese and know that "pop through" means "pass urine." I do have thirty minutes to help her drink a cup of tea. And, crucially, I won't be dragged in front of a disciplinary board if I bend the rules (very carefully) to suit her better as an individual.

So when you say on the one hand that you can't give her proper care; and on the other seem to be terribly sensitive (that's a good thing!) to shortcomings in her current care; I wonder. Are you feeling upset that you aren't able to care for her at home? Don't feel bad. It really is not easy at this stage in life to know what's best. Try to keep an open mind, and talk to the NH about how your particular, individual mother's needs can best be met.
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@igloo572, in no way shape or form, do I ever enter that facility and act as if I'm going to sue. I was only saying it because I'm a hot head, but I'd never tell them that. I find it that they are unfair with treating my mom as if she doesn't deserve care, but, I've just found out that the head nurse has told my mom that her medical won't cover her anymore if she keeps doing things herself. Thing is, no one has notified me or when I've asked for what's happening with my mom, have they told me anything about my mom not wanting care from them. They just don't bother in the end. I can see from your end that it's my mother's fault, but the staff are full, they have little patients to go through each day, and my mom isn't the only one that acts this way, so why should she be pointed out and given the pink slip? I'm planning to have a meeting or some kind of discussion with the head nurse or social services, to clarify and see what we all can do to help her stay, because I can't give her proper if she comes back home. The hospital told me from the beginning a nursing home was best suited for her, especially with the laws where if we leave her alone for a moment I could get reported and arrested for negligence and such. All of you should know how stressful it is to be a care giver.
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Anna - you just mentioned " makes me want to sue". Honey you are giving off this vibe to the facility. Pam pretty well nailed it on those issues.

Added to this, Mom declined to do dialysis? Why? It could be that she is viewed as a non-compliant resident for what this care home requires. I'm assuming this is a small board & care home with very limited staff. Seems you want them to be doing things that requires the large staff of a AL or NH. Move her to one for that level of staffing. I bet bedding is changed twice weekly, there is no reason why you can't go & change it every other day or buy her disposable bed liners to extend clean linen time if it bugs you. Expecting RitzCarlton from a Comfort Inn not gonna happen.

Refusing dialysis is going to be an issue for any facility. If she insists on this and you are her surrogate in agreement on this, then get that room ready again as they are likely to give her a 30 day notice to move & she will have to move back in with you & hubs.
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My mother doesn't complain constantly, but the ONE time they did their job carelessly, and they got caught, they want to kick her out? That's so ridiculous. Makes me want to sue.
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If mom is constantly complaining and you are as well, that is why they want her out. You took care of her this whole time tells me you were there every day with complaints big or small on a daily basis. So they are afraid you will sue. Their solution is to discharge the patient.
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they probably have a list of people who need help worse . aunt ednas NH is in a small town where there isnt much money and it shows in everything they do . the staff is adequate and the care is good but the food seems to vary from the cheapest thing they can get their hands on to obviously several day old donated bread . a lot of bedding is handed down from the veterans administration , proving to me that most of the residents are medicaid and these people operate on a shoestring budget . gotta consider there are people living alone in rural settings who will die if they cant get to town and into a NH .
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