Should we care for our elderly parents just because they cared for us?

To OmgWhatNow -
You obviously have a lot of pent-up rage about the situation with your grandmother. I agree that she is taking advantage of your good graces. You need to put limits on the number of calls you will answer from her - such as 3 per day and no more. Get caller ID on your phone if necessary and don't answer. I would also suggest that you write a very blunt (but polite) letter to her relatives that live nearby her, reiterating that it is THEIR responsibility, not yours. As the granddaughter, it should NOT be your responsibility to provide any care to her. Where are her adult children? They should be the ones dealing with her needs.

As to the other items you mention, most people are in denial about their eventual demise. Nobody likes to admit that they are going to get old someday and become less able to handle their own affairs. A small percentage of people do the things you suggest such as having a will, living will, downsizing into a retirement community, etc. - but most do not.

While I don't know enough about your grandmother to make a judgement, my suspicion is that she was a very "needy" individual prior to become elderly, which is why you are finding her behavior very annoying. It's probably not the phone calls (which you would likely welcome from a close girlfriend or boyfriend), but the "neediness" she is displaying. Needy young adults become needier old adults who are often demanding of our time and attention.

My best advice is (1) to place some limits on your grandmother's phone calls and (2) put your foot down with her nearby relatives.

Actually, in many cultures people have children PRECISELY so there is somebody to care for them in their old age, especially in cultures where there is no Social Security income or nursing homes to provide for the elderly. Old people have no others options in those societies. In fact, it was true in this country until the advent of the Social Security system which did not happen until the 20th century.

Reading this article and comments have helped me so much. I discover I am not alone in my thinking. My Mom is 95 now and she has been a good Mother, but having an old mother when you are old yourself is NOT A BLESSING. I totally agree that when one is young they enjoy sex and then are thrilled to have a baby and marvel in all the joy that comes with parenting. You do not have a baby so that the chld can grow up and expect them to be the person you dump on just because they "are your daughter". I have big problems with people who say....."your mother took care of you and now it is time for you to take care of her". There is not comparison to that type of caring. I want to strangle people who talk like that......if they say it is a honor and a priviledge. I say "YOU ARE LYING". It is H***.

One can be a "caregiver" without actually having to put the elderly parent in one's own house. When my father developed dementia, I had to start stepping in and managing all of his finances, having neighbors check on him, etc. As his confusion progressed, I moved him to assisted living and then the nursing home. (This involved getting his house ready for sale, selling it, disposing of all of his stuff and arranging for the move into the assisted living facility 2 hours away - all of which I did alone.)

Why did I do it whereas my brother could have cared less? (1) Because I am an altruistic person by nature, (2) because it was the ethical thing to do, (3) because there was no one else available to see that my father received proper medical care and supervision, (4) out of a sense of family duty. As others have noted, adult children are not to be the "servants" of their elderly parents. However, if a family member is having problems, it's the ethical thing to do to make sure they get the help they need.

I COMPLETELY AGREE

The role of being a parent - IS TO BE A PARENT. Chances were, they WANTED to be a parent. They didn't want to have a kid just so they kid could take care of them one day. I have the exact mindset that, my grandma was good to me, raising me and taking care of me. I want to take care of her because I want to and because I can. However, I'm not in a position to take care of her yet she still expects me to. I can't believe how people will go through life and never get their old-age affairs in order. Having a plan to move into a retirement home themselves, taking care of their own assets before they get too invalid to do it.

All this experience with having somebody depend on me, when I don't even live close enough to help them (hence, she ends up calling me anywhere between 4 and ten times a day leaving messages about how she needs help and can't remember things, when she has perfectly capable family members that live MUCH closer to her to help her...but no, she only trusts me and here I am 26 years old trying to get my life together ¬_¬) Anyway, all this "caregiving" experience has taught me is that old people are f***ing annoying and that I will make sure I have a life plan for myself. I'm already in the process of getting a will set up, a living will, made plans on when to sign up for medicaid, medicare, AARP - WHATEVER. I WIL NEVER NEEEEEEEEEEVVVVVVEEEEERRRRRR EXPECT MY OWN CHILD TO GO THROUGH THIS DUMB*** CAREGIVING S***. I will raise my child to take care of themselves and be useful to society as best as possible, BUT F*** - I mean, I hope to never be that parent that's like, "Oh well I took care of you" That just make people hate you for putting them on the spot and it sucks.

Spirit? I lost that a long time ago...

Temporary??? My Mom's been living with me for 13 years..

Love?? I love my kids and would NEVER want them to care for me or my husband... It's not their responsibility...Why would I do this to them?

Remember that taking care of your loved one is all temporary. It's not that you do it, it's that you do it out of love. Remember too that you will be old and cranky someday.
Look for the blessings in your current position and soak them up. These blessings of time shared that you give to them will sustain your spirit.

I guess you can never walk in another person's life. My parents were there for me all my life with love and emotional support. I can't imagine not wanting to care for them in their time of need. Until my father died, my mom was his primary care giver, in assisting, I witnessed their ups and downs, frustrations and laughter . Many of these posts are correct, one person cannot do it alone. We had a network of helpers. As one, I was granted a window into the my own future. I learned how to deal with dementia, incontinence and whatever comes my way, not letting it limit one minute of the time I have. Aging and disabilities will be part of many of our lives. If you have the opportunity, the privilege of caring for someone you care about - give it all you got. I treasure every minute despite the heartbreak and loss of income. Starting over is hard, but at least it was a choice for me.

Nursing homes (I worked in them for 8 years) cannot and are not supposed to provide loving care. When my father went into a nursing home, a family member was with him 24/7 for several days to let the nursing staff know what he needed. In the end, we missed one nurse and she gave him too much pain med, and he died (this is not unusual). He was dying, she just speeded it up. My mom and all my siblings are still very angry, but it was prescribed by just doctor, rules and doctors orders trump patient needs and family wishes. It is a regulated institution. You and the patient lose the ability of personalized attention. They do the best they can within what is allowed by regulations and many skilled and caring people work in nursing homes, but any employee will tell you there are also people working there who are not good caring and your loved one will encounter them also. Just count up the number of different people in a week who end up giving care to your loved one. In-home is the best, even if it is not perfect, for as long as it can be managed. A nursing home is the last resort if you love someone. We live with regret, especially my mom, but we did the best we could, as long as we could and my father knows he was loved. Now he'd want us focusing on mom and our own lives and children; embracing all of them to the best of our ability, that's what caregiving is all about. Its not about debts to be paid, but gifts given and received.

Kazzaa, all my critturs have been rescues life long, so Dog Bless you - ever realized God backwards is dog? Although I have 2 acres which includes a big fenced backyard, this poor little dilapidated house needs more renos. Only heat in half the house right now and me, 2 dogs and 4 cats are living in a small space.

Once the house is put to rights I may adopt another. Only adopt seniors now so I don't leave anyone behind when it's my turn to cross the Rainbow Bridge. Ashley, an 8 year old lab in my picture came to me from rescue last year.

Debralee my mother was an A1 mean, evil, manipulative narcissist life long. Like you, I do and have done my best for her. I visit her in the NH and ensure she has all she needs, even though it sends me into a tail spin, but I recently gave up any guilt and the "duty" need to be all that and then some. It's been a few weeks since, having had a TIA, I changed my phone number, backed away and realized I've done more for her than anyone would have considering the venomous treatment she always dished out.

I avoided her as much as I could since I was a small child. Any hug or touch (I don't remember any) was followed by evil, bashing and hurt. To this day I can't bear anyone touching me at all for whatever reason.

I'm feeling very fragile, resting up and sleeping a lot. It is so hard to build a normal life and "come back" when you're older, but baby steps.

Debra nobody said you were abandoning her youre doing more than she deserves AND youre the better person we will only find peace when theyve gone and we have time to heal ourselves and move on from the past.
Hugs

Kazzaa thank you. People need to understand I am not abandoning her. I help her when I can. As her DPOA I will do my best to honor her wishes to stay in her home until death, even if it means using up all her assets to do so. I just do not want to be her caregiver. My sisters can if they want and I will make sure they are compensated. As long as I make sure she is being taken care of properly and safely, I have taken care of my responsibilities as her DPOA and the child she gave birth to. The word "Daughter" was lost a long time ago. Is is not the idea to seek retribution, but a peaceful salvation for my own emotional wellbeing.

I agree with CM we do this because we are good people! my parents ruined my life because they were unhappy? I rescue animals too i guess i cant bear to see anyone or anything suffer us good people do get taken advantage of though and my mum takes the piss out of me because she knows ive got a good heart!
Debra can understand now why you feel the way you do your mum is making light of what happended to you and thats hurtful but forget about her and i hope you find peace and happiness one day.

Captain, you are a hardass with a soft heart. You make me smile.

lol, dahmer tried to get kinky with a homophobic mop bucket wringer. he underestimated the wringers resolve..

Wait wait....before I get a blog beating....I meant parents who do well deserve payback, and often get it from gratituted. My mom gets to me in many ways, but I am grateful to her for the opportunities her and dad offered me. Parents who fail their duties deserve "payback" as well. With my theme of reap as you sow both get payback, but the payback is different, one good, one not so good. I totally understand why someone would cut ties from an abuser.....some of the parents on this site are accused some pretty horrid things.

Perfect sense to me, SA. We (society, not as individuals) give care according to our values, not according to the merits of the person receiving. And so did you. You cared for your mother because you are a good person, not because she was, necessarily. Bless you x

Oh, and Jeffrey Dahmer got his a** beat to death by an inmate, a brother to one of his victims. And I cheered. Dahmer wasn't old at the time and could fight back. He lost. I was happy. lol But had he been say 80 with alz on his deathbed, then yeah, even that animal deserved a priest to be there.

Let me clarify that first statement... Like I said, I believe even someone like Dahmer deserved to at least have a preacher there to talk to him at the end...

At the same time, not every parent that was nasty deserves for their KIDS to care for them...but I do believe that every human being, when they're very old and frail and helpless does deserve to have someone, not necessarily their children, there for them in the end so they don't die all alone...even if that's exactly what they DO deserve...

Hope that makes some kind of sense...

Personally, I'm not sure abusers 'deserve' anything, but my own conscience dictated that I not leave my mom to die alone. Nobody here, no matter how nasty the parent, is doing that.

And yeah, this whole thing is totally personal. People have to follow their gut in this. If someone chooses not to care for an abuser themselves, who could blame them? That's what NH's are for.

I am most certainly not taking care of my mother because of gratitude for her care for me. To pinch from Peg Bracken (again), I take care of my mother not because of her parenting, but in spite of it.

I also ponder, from time to time, her attitude to her mother. What care did she take of my Granny? None At All, is the answer; but it is also the case that that was entirely justified. My grandmother scared the living daylights out of my mother and destroyed her sense of self worth. I loved and respected my grandmother, but I can still see that she was a lousy mother. Hard as nails. Cold as ice. Immensely gifted, but critical and judgemental, and an impossible role model. My poor mum never had a chance.

But I am not my mother or - oh holy God I hope not! - anything like my grandmother. I am me. And I choose to care for my mother, to show her love and comfort her old age, to the best of my ability. Which by the way is probably not that great, but it's the only offer on the table.

What you decide to do is entirely up to you. You may feel under obligation. You may feel the opposite. But in the end, you are in charge of your decisions, they are not governed by the past or by other people. Do what you think is right.

Ismiami your statement "who failed their parental duties deserve" makes me want to scream. Why would you give up your life to care for someone who spent their lifetime destroying yours?

I think the problem is that we would like for it to be family = trade pact, but when the parent broke the pact first but still expects the adult children to honor it when no reparations or acknowledgments have ever been made - it rankles something fierce.

Debralee, I have idealistic ideas of what family should be. The reality is not all families are ideal and even the best ones have lots of faults. If you have been abused, had suicidal thoughts and are bitter at the thought of caregiving for your mom, perhaps it is not a mission you should undertake. You need to withdraw from this role, or only accept it as a minimal engagement.

Remember, the parents that provided love, support, and whatever they could academically do deserve payback, the ones who failed their parental duties do as well. I would not judge it, but I respect your right to judge your situation.

Thanks and respect for your military career!

Allow yourself to move on.
L

Captain, I do panic when it comes to caregiving of my mother. I do not have a warm and fuzzy relationship with her. How could I? She told my husband that my childhood molestation never happened. I have had to endure a sociopathic stepfather who had no problems causing problems in my home during holidays and family gatherings while my mother said nothing or did nothing. I was the only one of the all the siblings and stepsiblings that was forced to entertain this pig to make my mother happy because she was too afraid to drive herself the distance to my home. The one time I refused, my mother started whining and crying asking me why I was making her the victim. As a little girl, my mother gave into my little sister at my expense just to shut her up. My mother favors my older sister and always remembers her birthday. I am lucky if I get a verbal happy birthday. My mother was emotionally distant to me during my childhood because she was too busy having an affair with a married man while married to my father. She ended up marrying that man after having the 14 year affair-the sociopath stepfather. My mother wants to come live with me and take care of her when she can no longer live independently so she can preserve the inheritence for me and my siblings. I do all the work while the others sit back and wait. She mentioned modifications to my home to suit her needs. These renovations would lower the evaluation on my home. I have been in and out of therapy throughout my life with suicidal tendancies. I pulled myself from the dark hole of despair to where I am today. A wife, mother, grandmother and soon to be great grandmother. The stepfather is dead, yippee! I have a life rich and rewarding. I achieved two major goals in my life: 24 year military retirement and a home free and clear of a mortgage. Why would I even consider everything I worked for to give it up to a mother who never cared for me as a daughter and looks to me for the most easiest and convenient to care for her? This is why I am so bitter about being a future possible caregiver for my mother.

im not dissing on people who turn to professionals for elder care. ive been divorced for a long time and had time for these women. my work is quite flexible. just trying to provide a couple of upsides to elder caring. them b**ches watch ( ed ) out for me too. lol
i refer to ismiami again ; family can beat each other to a pulp in " normal " times, but the idea remains ; were family , i helped you, give me a hand pr**k !!..
family = trade pact..

edna does not remember the deaths of her parents years ago and years apart. its a lapse in her memory. i told her that both parents died under ednas caregiving to which she replied ; OH yea !! she lost the memory but she knew she was likely the caregiver for them both. indeed she was. grandpa "whisk broom nostrils" with brain cancer , naked, trying to whoop everyone in ednas 450 sq ft house. edna saw her husband thru lymph cancer till he fell and died from a broken neck in her home and arms. there are givers in this world and they are livin large, you just have to look close to see it..

yea, you need to understand how helpless the elder will become debra. the last year of my mothers life something as simple as a smile from me would result in a heartfelt thank you from her.
im glad ismiami mentioned emotional support because that is sometimes the bulk of the carer task. caregiving seems to panic you debra, it doesnt have to.
im personally having a blast with my aunt.
oh yea, she took me in 15 years ago when my marriage blew up and i was phsycotic on hepc chemo. she nursed me back to health with the greatest of love and patience. i owe her big.

I don't think any child should feel obligated to care for aging parents ever ! It doesn't mean you don't love them any less because you choose to not provide elder care for them. Every person is unique and every situation is unique what is "right" for one person doesn't mean that it is "right for You" We have to know our limitation and what we can and can't do.

For me I know my parents would NEVER want me to go down that road and be a caregiver for them if they were declining in health etc. Just because they took care of us when were babies and children doesn't obligate anyone to provide care when they are old. For me a child's job or obligation to their parents is to be the best person they can be and to make their parents proud of the person they have raised and we have become. Choosing Nursing home care or other care other than doing it ourselves just isn't part of that equation. If we choose that path then that is great but if we choose another no one should feel guilty or like their choice isn't the best and great choice for them either.

I read on this board all the time things like its causing marital issues or issues between siblings etc and I know my parents wouldn't want care that would cause issues like that in the family.

The values in my family were all around helping each other. No doubt we had our set of dysfunctionalities, but we all helped each other. My parents, my sister, my uncle, my grandma. My parents worked blue collar jobs to give us private educations, they never vacationed until they became empty nesters. They achieved the American dream of providing a better life for their kids than they had. So yes, out of gratitude, I do feel obliged to be there for them. Maybe I was lucky.

I think the folks who have an emotional or financial gap, may not feel the "grattitude" or obligation. I understand that. As you reap, so shall you sow. Selfish parents beget "non"grateful children.

I know people who have had kids (or married) in order to have someone take care of them......that is a relationship doomed for resentment.

I am not sure I "owe" my parents emotional or financial support, but I a pretty sure nobody else does.

When you feel you are nothing more than an adult child of convenience for your aging parents then screw caregiving. Let them pay for the priveledge of caring for their needs! I am their daughter, not their servant.

i had a chance to buy a fix upper house on 1 acre once for 4 k, total. asked my dad if hed like to help hook younger sis up with it. she was raising 3 kids alone at the time and had it pretty rough. dad pounded himself on the chect with his thumb and told me he takes care of himself and himself alone and nobody ever helped him in his life. i told him your a lying sack of f**k and your FIL made down payments on both the houses youve owned. he lied and disagreed, mother rebuked his lie. im saying if your parents ever helped you when you were struggling there isnt enough repayment now that theyre near helpless.