Should we care for our elderly parents just because they cared for us?

Perfect sense to me, SA. We (society, not as individuals) give care according to our values, not according to the merits of the person receiving. And so did you. You cared for your mother because you are a good person, not because she was, necessarily. Bless you x

Wait wait....before I get a blog beating....I meant parents who do well deserve payback, and often get it from gratituted. My mom gets to me in many ways, but I am grateful to her for the opportunities her and dad offered me. Parents who fail their duties deserve "payback" as well. With my theme of reap as you sow both get payback, but the payback is different, one good, one not so good. I totally understand why someone would cut ties from an abuser.....some of the parents on this site are accused some pretty horrid things.

lol, dahmer tried to get kinky with a homophobic mop bucket wringer. he underestimated the wringers resolve..

Captain, you are a hardass with a soft heart. You make me smile.

I agree with CM we do this because we are good people! my parents ruined my life because they were unhappy? I rescue animals too i guess i cant bear to see anyone or anything suffer us good people do get taken advantage of though and my mum takes the piss out of me because she knows ive got a good heart!
Debra can understand now why you feel the way you do your mum is making light of what happended to you and thats hurtful but forget about her and i hope you find peace and happiness one day.

Kazzaa thank you. People need to understand I am not abandoning her. I help her when I can. As her DPOA I will do my best to honor her wishes to stay in her home until death, even if it means using up all her assets to do so. I just do not want to be her caregiver. My sisters can if they want and I will make sure they are compensated. As long as I make sure she is being taken care of properly and safely, I have taken care of my responsibilities as her DPOA and the child she gave birth to. The word "Daughter" was lost a long time ago. Is is not the idea to seek retribution, but a peaceful salvation for my own emotional wellbeing.

Debra nobody said you were abandoning her youre doing more than she deserves AND youre the better person we will only find peace when theyve gone and we have time to heal ourselves and move on from the past.
Hugs

Kazzaa, all my critturs have been rescues life long, so Dog Bless you - ever realized God backwards is dog? Although I have 2 acres which includes a big fenced backyard, this poor little dilapidated house needs more renos. Only heat in half the house right now and me, 2 dogs and 4 cats are living in a small space.

Once the house is put to rights I may adopt another. Only adopt seniors now so I don't leave anyone behind when it's my turn to cross the Rainbow Bridge. Ashley, an 8 year old lab in my picture came to me from rescue last year.

Debralee my mother was an A1 mean, evil, manipulative narcissist life long. Like you, I do and have done my best for her. I visit her in the NH and ensure she has all she needs, even though it sends me into a tail spin, but I recently gave up any guilt and the "duty" need to be all that and then some. It's been a few weeks since, having had a TIA, I changed my phone number, backed away and realized I've done more for her than anyone would have considering the venomous treatment she always dished out.

I avoided her as much as I could since I was a small child. Any hug or touch (I don't remember any) was followed by evil, bashing and hurt. To this day I can't bear anyone touching me at all for whatever reason.

I'm feeling very fragile, resting up and sleeping a lot. It is so hard to build a normal life and "come back" when you're older, but baby steps.

I guess you can never walk in another person's life. My parents were there for me all my life with love and emotional support. I can't imagine not wanting to care for them in their time of need. Until my father died, my mom was his primary care giver, in assisting, I witnessed their ups and downs, frustrations and laughter . Many of these posts are correct, one person cannot do it alone. We had a network of helpers. As one, I was granted a window into the my own future. I learned how to deal with dementia, incontinence and whatever comes my way, not letting it limit one minute of the time I have. Aging and disabilities will be part of many of our lives. If you have the opportunity, the privilege of caring for someone you care about - give it all you got. I treasure every minute despite the heartbreak and loss of income. Starting over is hard, but at least it was a choice for me.

Nursing homes (I worked in them for 8 years) cannot and are not supposed to provide loving care. When my father went into a nursing home, a family member was with him 24/7 for several days to let the nursing staff know what he needed. In the end, we missed one nurse and she gave him too much pain med, and he died (this is not unusual). He was dying, she just speeded it up. My mom and all my siblings are still very angry, but it was prescribed by just doctor, rules and doctors orders trump patient needs and family wishes. It is a regulated institution. You and the patient lose the ability of personalized attention. They do the best they can within what is allowed by regulations and many skilled and caring people work in nursing homes, but any employee will tell you there are also people working there who are not good caring and your loved one will encounter them also. Just count up the number of different people in a week who end up giving care to your loved one. In-home is the best, even if it is not perfect, for as long as it can be managed. A nursing home is the last resort if you love someone. We live with regret, especially my mom, but we did the best we could, as long as we could and my father knows he was loved. Now he'd want us focusing on mom and our own lives and children; embracing all of them to the best of our ability, that's what caregiving is all about. Its not about debts to be paid, but gifts given and received.

Remember that taking care of your loved one is all temporary. It's not that you do it, it's that you do it out of love. Remember too that you will be old and cranky someday.
Look for the blessings in your current position and soak them up. These blessings of time shared that you give to them will sustain your spirit.

Spirit? I lost that a long time ago...

Temporary??? My Mom's been living with me for 13 years..

Love?? I love my kids and would NEVER want them to care for me or my husband... It's not their responsibility...Why would I do this to them?

I COMPLETELY AGREE

The role of being a parent - IS TO BE A PARENT. Chances were, they WANTED to be a parent. They didn't want to have a kid just so they kid could take care of them one day. I have the exact mindset that, my grandma was good to me, raising me and taking care of me. I want to take care of her because I want to and because I can. However, I'm not in a position to take care of her yet she still expects me to. I can't believe how people will go through life and never get their old-age affairs in order. Having a plan to move into a retirement home themselves, taking care of their own assets before they get too invalid to do it.

All this experience with having somebody depend on me, when I don't even live close enough to help them (hence, she ends up calling me anywhere between 4 and ten times a day leaving messages about how she needs help and can't remember things, when she has perfectly capable family members that live MUCH closer to her to help her...but no, she only trusts me and here I am 26 years old trying to get my life together ¬_¬) Anyway, all this "caregiving" experience has taught me is that old people are f***ing annoying and that I will make sure I have a life plan for myself. I'm already in the process of getting a will set up, a living will, made plans on when to sign up for medicaid, medicare, AARP - WHATEVER. I WIL NEVER NEEEEEEEEEEVVVVVVEEEEERRRRRR EXPECT MY OWN CHILD TO GO THROUGH THIS DUMB*** CAREGIVING S***. I will raise my child to take care of themselves and be useful to society as best as possible, BUT F*** - I mean, I hope to never be that parent that's like, "Oh well I took care of you" That just make people hate you for putting them on the spot and it sucks.

One can be a "caregiver" without actually having to put the elderly parent in one's own house. When my father developed dementia, I had to start stepping in and managing all of his finances, having neighbors check on him, etc. As his confusion progressed, I moved him to assisted living and then the nursing home. (This involved getting his house ready for sale, selling it, disposing of all of his stuff and arranging for the move into the assisted living facility 2 hours away - all of which I did alone.)

Why did I do it whereas my brother could have cared less? (1) Because I am an altruistic person by nature, (2) because it was the ethical thing to do, (3) because there was no one else available to see that my father received proper medical care and supervision, (4) out of a sense of family duty. As others have noted, adult children are not to be the "servants" of their elderly parents. However, if a family member is having problems, it's the ethical thing to do to make sure they get the help they need.

Reading this article and comments have helped me so much. I discover I am not alone in my thinking. My Mom is 95 now and she has been a good Mother, but having an old mother when you are old yourself is NOT A BLESSING. I totally agree that when one is young they enjoy sex and then are thrilled to have a baby and marvel in all the joy that comes with parenting. You do not have a baby so that the chld can grow up and expect them to be the person you dump on just because they "are your daughter". I have big problems with people who say....."your mother took care of you and now it is time for you to take care of her". There is not comparison to that type of caring. I want to strangle people who talk like that......if they say it is a honor and a priviledge. I say "YOU ARE LYING". It is H***.

To OmgWhatNow -
You obviously have a lot of pent-up rage about the situation with your grandmother. I agree that she is taking advantage of your good graces. You need to put limits on the number of calls you will answer from her - such as 3 per day and no more. Get caller ID on your phone if necessary and don't answer. I would also suggest that you write a very blunt (but polite) letter to her relatives that live nearby her, reiterating that it is THEIR responsibility, not yours. As the granddaughter, it should NOT be your responsibility to provide any care to her. Where are her adult children? They should be the ones dealing with her needs.

As to the other items you mention, most people are in denial about their eventual demise. Nobody likes to admit that they are going to get old someday and become less able to handle their own affairs. A small percentage of people do the things you suggest such as having a will, living will, downsizing into a retirement community, etc. - but most do not.

While I don't know enough about your grandmother to make a judgement, my suspicion is that she was a very "needy" individual prior to become elderly, which is why you are finding her behavior very annoying. It's probably not the phone calls (which you would likely welcome from a close girlfriend or boyfriend), but the "neediness" she is displaying. Needy young adults become needier old adults who are often demanding of our time and attention.

My best advice is (1) to place some limits on your grandmother's phone calls and (2) put your foot down with her nearby relatives.

Actually, in many cultures people have children PRECISELY so there is somebody to care for them in their old age, especially in cultures where there is no Social Security income or nursing homes to provide for the elderly. Old people have no others options in those societies. In fact, it was true in this country until the advent of the Social Security system which did not happen until the 20th century.

Artist what an enthralling philosophy you paint in the interests of humanity you bring to this post. Please excuse me while I go BARF in my toilet!

I think some of us develop a love for parents which causes us to want to care for them and make them happy. I guess it depends on your relationship up to that point. That feeling doesn't come from the same mindset as "they took care of us and now we take care of them" obligation. That being said, since my Dad passed away almost 40 years ago, my sister and I have both lived with Mom (for short periods when she was in her 60's and early 70's.) She drove us nuts with her constant negativity and hovering - because she has absolutely no interests, hobbies - nothing, so her whole focus was living our lives. Being a different generation, she didn't agree with our activities so we got a good dose of interference and negativity. Now she is in her 90's, and worse, plus dementia, lying, stubborn, not washing, etc. We have agreed, when she is unable to care for herself, we feel no obligation to bring her into our homes at the sacrifice of our marriages, health and lifestyle. It would be different if she did not have the money to live in assisted living, but she can, and that is where she will have to go. And I have already put enough money away so I will not be an emotional burden on my daughters!

I became a caretaker overnight seven years ago when my mom died suddenly. I was always dads girl and knew at a young age that this would be my responsibility (only child of parents that were only children). First never thought my job would last this long and second thought my dad would provide me some assistance as he is 87, parkinsons and chf. He is vet that never used those benefits and more important pays for long term insurance which he will not use because he is afraid of using it up and since he lives with me I can not get paid. As they said, even if you are cut out for this or you think it is your responsibility STOP AND THINK BEFORE MAKING A COMMITMENT. It is ok either way but in my case it would be by someone dad would not trust. I would not trade this time together although it was more than I bargained for.

I do not believe you should have to take care of your parents. It's not a job everyone can do and you will only treat them mean if you don't have patience or the desire to do so from the heart. I agree with all the post that raising a baby into an adult is way different from taking care of an elderly parent. I am trying to take care of my mom of 92. For the most part her living with me has been a wonderful experience. It's when she gets sick and goes into a rehab/hospital she turns into Dr. Jykle and Mr. Hyde

My friends mum had Als after a final stroke she couldnt function and was "brain dead" for three years before she died she was in a NH for those three years and received the best of care she was always clean dressed and made up no matter when the relatives arrived always up and sitting by the window my friend and her family were very happy with her care.
So lets not knock all NHs some are good and some are bad its up to family to shop around and ask the obvious questions. I dont expect nurses and docs to show my parents love? i want them to care! the loving comes from the family im sorry you had a bad experience but this is not the norm in most NHs. When we decide on a NH we should get talking to someone who has had thier parent in there and ask about the care. My friend saw 20 homes before having this one recommended.

Reading just the first page of responses it is very clear that there are a lot of folks (like myself) whose parent wasn't really present for their children but who are now in need of, or in debt to, their children for trying to do the right thing by them in their old age. Like Ashlynne, my mother was (and, frankly, still is) very self focused on her wants, needs and comfort. She does not live with my husband and me but we are only 10 - 15 minutes away from her and are the primary caregivers. I have found great support and solace in my husband, friends and my pastor who helped me to come to the realization that I needed to get some regular help. So, the money that has been saved from the sale of my mother's home for the possibility of future AH or NH placement is now being used for this "rainy day." Mom has a "Visiting Angel" aide visit her twice a week for 4 hours and she is a true Godsend. Has handled various tasks like shopping, laundry, dry skin massages and we are working towards help with bathing, which my mother really hasn't been doing (uses those moist towelettes that others have mentioned here). And, truthfully, she is a help with the loneliness that I know my mother experiences but isn't really aware of....always says she prefers to be by herself.....but she does seem to be enjoying the aide's company and attention. And, this has given me a sense of some relaxation coming back into my body knowing that I have this respite from always being potentially "on call." Truthfully, I and my husband largely do this out of a sense of obligation but, at 91 and showing significant cognitive decline and being extremely frail, we are probably looking at an end sooner rather than later. Not sure if this helps anyone else who has similar parental issues but it's what I'm finding works, at least while the money is still put aside. Hugs & comfort to everyone....we gain a lot of mutual support from this site, for which I'm ever grateful.

I am an only child living 1500 miles away and luckily my mother (and father) can afford 24/7 care at home. My mother is dying very slowly but now has hospice. She would like me to make frequent and long visits. I do wish to give back to her for her deep caring for me, although she was and sometimes still is very undermining of me and self-involved. However, my professional life and marriage are suffering in a worrisome way, and even to some degree my health, and mental health.
Anyone else relate to this?

I don't think providing care necessarily means personally giving hands on care, unless you're willing and able to do so. Yes, our parents raised us, took care of us, fed us, clothed us, etc. You know what? That was their JOB! They chose to have children, we didn't ask to be here. It was their JOB to take care of us. It is not our JOB to take care of them. I'm looking after my MIL now,(not living with us, but 40 or 50 feet away) who has the mindset that family should provide hands on care and putting a loved one in a NH means you don't want to fool with that loved one anymore. I personally think that mindset is selfish. I'm willing to look after her and help her out but there is a limit. She can still do most things for herself. I have my marriage and my two small children to think about. I have to put them first. But I will do what I can to help her. When/if she gets to a point where she needs more care than what I can reasonably give, then she'll have to go to a home unless someone else in the family is willing/able to step up then they can take over. She was a wonderful mother to my husband and to his now-deceased siblings and I really don't think she expects ME to provide full-time care. She understands I have my kids to think about but she does want someone to live with her and help her out, keep her company.

She's actually upset with my niece because she wanted my niece to come live with her and take care of her. The thing that bothered me was her whole attitude, like my niece owed it to her to move in and take care of her. That because my sister-in-law (MIL's daughter, niece's mother) isn't alive to do it, that my niece needed to step up in sister-in-law's place. My niece just avoided her phone calls and MIL has finally given up on that. She still badmouths her every now and then though.

I'll do what I can for my mother too when/if the time comes. Right now she's only in her sixties and is in great health, able to do for herself, still working full-time.

Me, personally, I do not expect my children to provide hands on care in my old age. I want them to make sure I'm taken care of, don't get me wrong, but I do not expect them to give up their lives, careers, incomes, marriages, families of their own, to take care of me. That's just plain selfish to expect that. What will they do when I'm gone? They'd be all alone and it would be all my fault for expecting them to give up their lives. Nope, not gonna ask that of them. I'd provide hands on care for them if they got in bad shape but I'm their mother, that's my job. I love them and I'd gladly do it. I'd do it for my husband. I love him and I made marriage vows for better or worse, in sickness and in health, etc. I'll do what I can for others, but will not sacrifice my marriage, my children, my sanity or my life. If that makes me a bad person, so be it.

No, I don't feel like we should have to take care of our parents. I would not want my kids to feel guilt tripped into taking care of me. We have all been given life. The parents lived their life, so why should their kids give up their life to have to take care of them. People are living so much longer now. It is not uncommon for parents to live well into their 90s and even 100. You see that all the time in obituaries. Medicine has made living longer possible, but the quality of life isn't always great. I personally do not want to live until I'm pretty much helpless. If it does come to that, I have long term care insurance and have told my kids to put me in a NH. They deserve to live the life God has given them without me being a burden. Just my opinion.

I am so happy this topic has been addressed. Eddie, your father's words "Children are not supposed to be an investment against old age" is spot on!

It isn't the same thing!... I concur!...
Actually, my parents left me with my aunt when I was 16 to 'settle' in another city, while I finished my HS... I believe, this was a bad decision as a parent... but, a decision non-the-less due to being poor and needing jobs, etc... When my parents decided to move back to the state I resided... my father took ill and passed away at 45 yrs old... My upbringing/childhood was very disrupted and dysfunctional... Now, I feel like the 'child' taking care of my mother... (she was married a second time and lost her 2nd husband)after I was away from her for decades... She labels me in the family as being "too nice"... which has backfired on me as the 'black' sheep in the family... (the ONLY caregiver... 2 sons who are "living their lives"... and, are "wonderful sons"... Some 'children' don't have a healthy 'childhood' and still bring 'LOVE' to their parents as caregiver's... Yes... the LOVE comes from the HEART...(and, perhaps this comes from trying your whole life to 'win' some kind of 'approval')... But, trying to do this with a difficult elderly parent that bucks you all the time... isn't healthy either...

We take care of our parents not because they cared for us when we were a child and was dependent on them. We take care of them out of love. If you don't love your parents, don't feel obligated to take care of them. Just like you said, it's not the same thing.

Mrhomecareinc...?

I am my Mom POA. She put everything in order several years ago. I know she would never expect any of her kids to give up their lives for her. I have what I know I can do. I have moved within 3 miles of her , I oversee all her caregivers that come 24/7. I take her to all appointments , I shop for her groceries, manage her finances and take her to church every Sunday. I have a sister that lives an hour away that fills in every other weekend. My other siblings visit from out of town when they can. I take one day at a time and know things can change in a moment. I take no compensation for what I do. I love my Mom and want to be there for her in her final phase of life. Was she perfect ? Uh No. Am I perfect ? Uh No. I hope I can continue to make her life as pleasant as can be expected and still have a life.

My mother and father saved every penny they ever got their hands on for my entire life. It was for their "old age". My dad once told me that all of,his money was his to do with as he pleased, burn it if he wanted to......well OK.

They both couldn't pay for college, a nice or even not so nice wedding. No vacations with the kids or grand kids. No generosity what so ever. All they had was for their "nursing home" care.

Now at the end of the day, mom is left and she has a big fat bank account ( around 1 million) that we had better not even look at, even if we are dying, because it is for her nursing home.

So I am going to honor her wishes and put her in a nursing home and she better d*** well like it because it is all my brother and I ever heard our entire lives. She made it easy.