How to care for a mom that you know needs you, but show her narcissistic traits more and more?

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I have lived with her like this all my life, and my poor daddy put up with so much. She said jump, he ask how high. She never admits that my daddy or I ever helped her, or love her. She was in the middle of both my marriages, and has taken my youngest, now almost 32 year old son under her wing. He loves it, why wouldn't he? She has waisted and spent way to much on him. I have read so much on the subject, and not until a few years ago realize this was my moms problem. Now, now it is sometimes impossible, ALWAYS ABOUT HER, if I say my back hurts, hers is worse, if I need clothes, she needs them more. (And if you compared the two closets,,,,,you would know). I lost count on how many times over the years, that I told her all she cared about was herself.(not lately because of the Alzheimers). My daddy was very ill, asbestose related, I was not living in town for some of that time. But came home often to check on him. They said he needed he needed to be on hospice, my mom denied. After me seeing her tell him to get his own bow of cereal, and how he could not, I called and got hospice. Of course this was all her idea.....the list goes on. Alway her idea, she helped the most, all the neighbors and friends love to talk to her, on and on. I am going crazy!!! We can not afforn in home care for her, I do not want her in a home. And even if was ok with it, I would lose this house. My ex, brought this to my attention....her favorite this to do is say, I will let you, I guess just grew up with that. Or she will say, we need to, this means you need to wash cloths, go to the store, dust, etc. But not her. So tired of all her, telling people all she has done(even befor AD) ,and a lot not true, or exaggerated. I know her dad was a lot like this, just learned this about 20 yrs. ago. BUT, he put her on a pedestal. her out of all 5. She puts my son on one. How do I cope with this? I try to get out off and on, but i need more than a few hours away. Oh well. I read something someone else has said, they do not miss their mom now. Honestly, I love mom, but do not really like her, that is hard to admit. And i wonder will I miss her when she is gone? Not sure if this was a good topic, but yes I am burned out, tired of the AD, tired of her narcisstic ways. Just plain tired. She is only 78, will be 79 in August.

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Hello Txrose,

Here are a few more articles and questions in the community that can relate to your question.

https://www.agingcare.com/articles/caring-for-narcissistic-parents-150302.htm

https://www.agingcare.com/questions/effect-of-narcissistic-mom-on-daughter-155333.htm

https://www.agingcare.com/questions/deal-with-a-narcissistic-mother-149593.htm

Hope this helps.

Best Regards,

Ashley T.
The AgingCare.com Team
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Txrose, we know what you are talking about. Many of our parents are like yours. It can certainly be irritating and stressful to work with. It can be tough living for two people, then have your contribution denied. If things go wrong, it is our fault. If they go right, it is something they did. The only way I know to deal with it is to pull ourselves out of it the best we can and manage things the way we would if the person was not family. When conversations feel too bad, we can always leave the room. Our job is to keep them safe and comfortable. We can provide company the best we can, but not to our own detriment.

Many of us feel like we love our parents, but don't like them much. Sometimes even the love goes on respite. Often all we can do is inwardly shake our heads at the tales and the antics. Coming here to talk about them helps. Some of them can even be humorous when seen through the eyes of others. I try to keep my humor, so I can laugh at some of the craziness. And I have my own personal stress relieve -- my finger pistol that I shoot myself with. It may sound crazy, but shooting myself with my finger pistol always defuses my stress. I guess I've gone crazy in the last four years. My thought on it is whatever works for me is what I need to do.
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