Should I care for mom in MY home or rent an apartment?

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Mom is 93, widowed 9 years, not in bad physical health other than a-fib and inability to take blood thinners, getting forgetful and repetitive. Her basic problems are eating (she won't) deafness (won't get a hearing aid) and attitude (she wants to die already.) She wanted to go live with her sister (80) and sell her house, which I made happen for her. Once at her sister's awhile she quit eating completely, and 5 days later passed out and fell down. Hospital showed she had a minor heart attack, sent her to rehab facility to get her eating again. Rehab bounced her for not co-operating, sent her to the nursing home area at 11,000.00+ per month. She resumed eating after 19 days. Now she wants to go "home" (sold) or back to sister, who is not up to take her back. She has 3 sibs and several others who visit in my aunt's town. I live 4 hrs away, in "BFE", miles from nowhere, in a hilly forest area. My home is heated with wood and a deep steep 40 foot ravine defines 3 sides of my yard. My husband has mental health issues and altho he loves Mom, I fear the stress will get to him and he will rage and holler in front of her. I just had major back surgery and my rehab period was interrupted by the crisis, so I'm also a mess...and so is my house, which I'm in no condition to get clean enough to Mom's standards right now. On top of all, we are night people. So, here's the Q. Will we be more successful to take an apt in my Aunt's town and move in there and take care of her with the help of some home health aides OR bring her to my home which is unconventional and not quite up to her standards. (BTW, she will not like either option.) Additional info - We "don't understand each other" (her) and I love her but have rarely felt close to her. I have the POA and am executer, there is a son 2000 miles away, also in poor health and can't be counted on for much unless it is critical comments. She's a Kevorkian fan and has a strict advance directive and DNR in place. I HAVE to care for her, at 11 grand a month her savings won't outlive her, I think. But the cost of an apt and etc would be on her, as I would have no job but care, and we can barely afford one household. However, it would be much less than the nursing home is. Plus an apt would be neutral territory. I'm going to hate giving up my rural life for a small ugly city, and it might jeopordize my marriage if it goes on too long. I have to make the decision - bring her here or get her an apt and move 4 hrs away for what could be 6 months or 4 years. Please give me your educated opinions on this decision. I take apt one day and home the next, and honestly, the apt seems best due to the stress it would cause at home. But then I made the mistake of helping her get moved back to her hometown, and hindsight says I should have cared for her in her paid-off home...HELP!! I'm chasing my tail, and don't feel confident to make a good decision. Home or apt?

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Thanks to all of you for your (unexpected and unanimous) opinions. It pretty much agrees with my nightmares of late of being backed into a corner with both escape routes being just H*ll at different temperatures..."This way lies madness" Thank YOU, Jeanne, that resonated with my small still voice I can barely hear right now.
It tears me up to hear her beg to go home. In reality, I know I cant send her "home" without a time machine, no matter what I choose. The facility she is in is 1960s last update looking, in an over 100 yr old building, bathroom across the hall... She did some time in rehab, but did not eat until after transferred to nursing home, but Medicare quit paying with the transfer. We all felt she was heading for skilled nursing from starvation around Christmas, then the comeback. She can only afford a few years at 11000 a month, with the long lives in her family, I can see her living to 96 easily if she continues to eat a little.
I need to get the price down to squeeze out some more time if it is to be others caring for her. Does anyone know the magic words to use on the phone to get the day rates? (tried please and thank you already:-)
I don't really understand all the nuances of NH, AL, Memory care and the average prices. Thanks, FreqFlyer, for the numbers comparison. Her banker tells me that most NH bills he pays are around 7000 or less per month and 12000 should mean deluxe, and the place she is seems shabby, but has great ratings. I can see now that I really need to educate myself and go thru whatever it takes to get pricing. They are so d*mn coy on the phone and it's hard to visit them all to get the facts, but looks like I might have to. As to whether near here or in her hometown, she has so many more people there and only 3 to visit near my home, that i'll still be struggling with that some. But Thanks again for making me rethink home care and apt idea.
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In my opinion a separate apartment would be quite a logistical challenge, as you would need to set it up similar to that of a nursing home, which had 3 full-time shifts of caregivers, nurse, doctor on call, food staff, cleaning crew, transportation, oh the list goes on and on.

The cost of the apartment plus hiring caregiver could come up to the price of the nursing home. When my Dad continued to live in his own home, around the clock care cost him $20k per month, yes per month. Then Dad wanted to move to senior living and the cost dropped by more than half. Even less expensive when he eventually went into Memory Care.

Don't expect Mom's siblings to jump in to help. If your Mom is 93, then her siblings are senior citizens with their own health declines. I was in my late 60's trying to care for my 90+ year old parents and that was extremely exhausting. My Mom refused any outside caregivers or even allowing a cleaning crew to come in to help.
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I agree with what's been said above. Do not move her into your home. And do not leave your home to move into an apartment near her. Move her to an apartment or senior facility near you, if she's well enough to live fairly independently. Otherwise, move her into an assisted living or nursing home near you and start the application for Medicaid for when her funds run out.

Your mother is actually in an ideal position for a nursing home resident as she can private pay for a while and that will get you in the door. Many of our parents don't have the funds even to pay privately for a month or two and that makes placement much more difficult.
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Do not provide the care in your home. It would destroy your life as you know it and you have your own health problems as does your husband. It sounds as if mom has some money in savings, she did just sell her house. There are MedIcaid facilities, some quite nice that require a period of private pay before Medicaid will kick in. It sounds as if mom is self paying where she is.now and that this began following a hospitalization. Is that the case? Why isn't Medicare paying for nursing care now? it should pay for a period of time while she continues to make progress. Once she stops improving then Medicare coverage will stop.

Do not forget you can refuse to bring her home by telling staff her care is impossible for you or aunt to do. That will bring in the social worker that will find suitable living arrangements for mom. If you do not find something that suits her needs tell social worker to.keep looking.
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Nursing home near a family member and start the Medicaid application. Make sure tg he nh will keep her as a Medicaid patient once her own funds run out. DO NOT ATTEMPT TO CARE FOR HER YOURSELF. As Jeanne says, that way lies madness.
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If there are no suitable facilities near you in the rural area then locate one near your aunt where her other siblings and others can visit her
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Neither. You do not HAVE to personally do hands-on care for this person you have never felt close to and who has standards higher than you can live up to. Your own health isn't so great and you have a sick husband. I'd say that is enough on you plate right now.

But you love your mother, and I agree that you should look after her best interests. Has she improved enough that she could be in an assisted living facility? Those are typically less expensive. But whether see is in a nursing home or ALF if/when her funds run out she will have to go on Medicaid.

Please do not put your marriage in jeopardy and yourself in a world of resentment. I don't foresee this being the best course for your mother in any case.

Find a suitable care center near you, and visit her daily. But don't live with her. That way lies madness!

Be her advocate. Be her loving daughter. But do not be her primary hands-on caregiver.
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