How do you continue to be a caregiver when your parent has always had some form of mental illness...in my case Narcissitic Personality Disorder. My mother has always suffered from this and now trying to be a more closely caretaker is bringing me down. No one is realizing I cannot take care of her by myself. She is crafty and her aging just makes is all much worse. More and more calls from neighbors to the police or paramedics with her stunts. They say she cannot be alone but I cannot tolerate to be around her. She refuses to go to a nursing home, so now trying to find someone who will at least come and check on her a couple times a day at least to give her her psych meds. There is no one to help me. I have been of work for almost a month on FMLA and it seems to be a waste of my time, since she can do many things by herself...(she just tore apart the patio cleaning it ...an 85 year old pushing and pulling couches and vacumns...) mental illness in an aging parent..HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I can only admire all of your strength in dealing with your mentally ill parents in close proximity!!
Thank you for your kind words. I am just starting out trying to figure out this particular developing situation and appreciate any suggestions.
Unfortunately, there is no manual for how to help mentally ill seniors and society at large does not seem equipped to handle them.
Unfortunatley, my mom does not want to go into any kind of assisted living situation and has no financial resources. After living in a group home for several years and being asked to leave, she moved to a nursing home. As she was not even a senior then and had a roommate who was 92, she was not happy and claimed that the people were stealing from her. My aunt moved her out on her own again a couple of years ago and has now decided to have nothing to do with her. No one has conservatorship and she will resist if I try to get something started. She is very crafty for such a sick person and keeps changing psych. doctors after short periods. I don't think anyone can get a handle on what is happening to her in a short time.
I can only admire you for your strength and courage. I was searching in desperation for information on helping mentally ill parents and came across this forum.
My situation is somewhat different as my mother is just now becoming an official senior citizen but has been mentally ill for as long as I can remember. She is a paranoid schizophrenic with a multitude of other issues to go along with that. Now she also has serious physical problems in addition to the mental ones.
The most frustrating part about this is that we live on different continents. She has no one where she is (because she has managed to alienate everyone who tried to be nice). My aunt, who lives at the other end of the country, has decided not to manage her money for her any more because she can not cope with the constant phone calls and stress.
I have one sister who also lives at the other end of the country from my mother who is barely able to cope with the multitude of phone calls because she also has her own mental problems to deal with.
Now I am wondering what I can reasonably do when I get the crazy phone calls to help from so far away. I suspect that she will not cope on her own when there is no one managing her money and telling her what to do and there is no one else to help.
Her appointment went well, probably because of prayer. But the burden of the meds was left with me, which I had just resigned to giving away to the health department. Since I made that transition, I am staying with it. I don't want it. In fact, I'm giving more away, maybe even the whole package.
But this afternoon, my son and I are going to the b e a c h, finally! We'll go up and set up "camp" at our favorite spot, while my husband works late. So nine year old and mommy are going on vacation (for the first time this summer) soon as I click the submit button. It's a glorious day, and I'm f r e e e e e e e !
Tomorrow, I will be over it, because it will start again soon enough.
Mitzi is right, complaining just feeds our frustration. and Neon is right, find something more pleasant to do than thinking of your mom.
She owns you as long as you let her.
Give up trying to control her uncontrolable behavior, and give gaurdianship to the courts. Get your life back before she harms your health. My parent's aren't worth the physical problems they have caused me...which by caring so much, really, I caused myself.
My real family, the one I made, deserves me so much more. Yours does too. Cut mom her slack by cutting her loose. If a court mandated gaurdian is responsible for her, then you will not be to blame if anything happens to her.
I am the last person on the planet to say,"Die." but when it comes to my parents, they have sucked all the life force out of me. I am no longer trying my best. I only do what works, and that is not what they need. But neither one wants what they need. so, I let them be. I let my brother handle my mom the way he feels he needs to, He is not doing it very hard, but that is how they want it. so I let it be.
The thing that helped me the most was giving my worries to God. If it needs attention, then God will handle it the way it needs to be handled. Me becoming a wreck over it wasn't working. Give your burden to God and go visit Neon's Calgon country.
Have a better day and a calm week, and we know the anguish you are going through, we are not belittling it by offering suggestions, it is just thst these things helped us, and we hope that they will help you as well. My husband has spent 25 years trying to get me to understand that I can't change them. That they ARE happy. Mean, nasty, bitter anger makes them happy. But it eats us alive. I can handle that now. I got it through 'my thick head', as piratess said. Easier to say than do. one day something will click and you will have had enough of the frustration. The mother meter will be full and nothing more can be let in. I pray for you that that day will be soon.
But I had a dear friend ask me once (regarding other areas of my life), "Do you pray about it as much as you talk about it?"
Fighting back speaking the complaints is hard enough. Try praying about it. Food for thought. ;)
My mom bitterly complains about me and whines to her "friends" that I'm stingy with her finances (I call it conservative). She remembers (last March) having her own checkbook, total control, and little resistance, aside from dad. The court declared her incapacitated, and awarded me her Conservator/Guardian. But she's convinced I told the doctors lies about her, and they are acting on my "false information."
My mom's friends, also have convinced her there's "nothing wrong" with her, and that I'm "the problem." This is coming from many different angels. Her "pastor," church friends, small retirement community (apartment cronies), family members downstate, club members, etc. Evidence of this is the new button I found taped to the back of her door: "Insanity is hereditary; I get it from my kids." (I hardly doubt this is an admission of her condition, as much as an indictment against me.)
No one else, besides myself, husband, and sister thinks mom has a deficit, (aside from my Pastor, who's very famaliar with her NPD condition) and are fiercly defending her [against me]. My hubby thinks it's because she has no reason to stress around anyone else, and can perform for every other audience, as they only see her for social moments and short periods of time.
My perspective and gut instincts tell me that she's trying to have me removed as her Guardian for the very reason that we do know what's the "real deal" with her, and she "thinks" if I'm removed, she is "home free." She definitely sees me as a threat, and is trying to find any reason (including lying) to have me removed. All the cronies are enabling this thinking, just as "Amnon had a friend" (Jonadab). It appears their evil designs are winning at times.
She was hospitalized for an auto wreck in Jan 08, which led to documented "dementia/cognitive dysfunction." Several months passes, and her detremental medications decreased, and they recanted, saying perhaps that dementia may not be indicative. But I know different. I have invited several home to see what she's "really" like. They see her for 15 minutes at a time, in the midst of a rushed, busy schedule. How in the world can they possibly evaluate her in totality. These consultations took place before my appointment as Guardian, and she's convinced I am lying to her [fast forward] new physicians. (I switched doctors for her several times, until finding our present one.)
Though her current PCP said he thinks there's some dementia going on, I have yet to garner his written documentation to bolster my claim. This has been the case with other consulting physicians, as well. They verbally assent to certain diagnosis, but will not back it in writing. I find this grievous and frustrating. My prayer is that her astute Physician will put an end to that deficit today. We covet your prayers, as well.
I feel like I'm salmon swimming upstream, waiting for my eggs to be removed and die. This has been a horrible journey over the past 21 months. One Social Worker told me things will become much worse. O, the joys of caregiving!
Mom said she's sick of seeing "all these doctors." Well, so am I. And I'm sick of running to the store for her 3 times a week, and paying someone to transport her to doctors 5-6 times a month, and 3 different Physicians prescribing her medications. I'm sick of running into her suspicious, judgmental, critical friends, who don't know the whole story, and cooly look me up one side and down the other. I used to love my quiet little town, but hate what it's become because of moving her here. It's a place of pain and torture for me now. And I can't write what I think of her. I never met anyone so vindictive, cruel, conniving, or ugly. It's become a nightmare that I can't escape. I know one thing for certain: I hate mental illness.
I am like another here on the boards where I am fortunate enough to have the documentation and the people to help back me if necessary. Even though I may not be heard all the time, my husband is my confirmation in everything pertaining to mom. Why life works like that, I have no clue.
But the one thing I have going for me is that now I really don't give a rip what a person thinks. If they think they know better for mom, I let people go. The AL didn't necessarily believe me that it would take mom longer than 3 months to adjust. Well, guess what they believe one year later? Mom still isn't adjusted and they have to figure how to work around mom. Oh well! Now she's their problem as long as I pay the bills I personally could care less as long as she doesn't interfere with dad's daily living.
Do what you can, but I would just get to a point where I'm like believe me or don't. If you don't, you (meaning that disbeliever) can deal with the repercussions. Question is, can you handle those type of challenges. Take care hon!
Lovely? Lovely? How can they be so blind? Or how can I be so wrong? This is absolutely insane! Either that, or birds of a feather flock together. I won't even tell you the organization, because it makes my skin crawl. Gotta go throw up now.
Have a great afternoon and evening, ladies! Take care