How do you care for your parent when they have always had some form of mental illness?

Lucy, I taped one of my mother's tirades shortly after I became her caregiver after my dad died 10 years ago. Her NPD was in full swing then, over time on that recording I did check back in with myself after a 5 year period and then more after that. A couple of months ago when I think a mini-stroke made it all worse I taped more tirades, they are a good source for a mental check to let you know it is them, and NOT YOU that is whack!

You are a major blessing, lovingdaughter, thank you! :)

It all started in the garden, and he walks and talks with us, there.

Thanks for the oft-needed reminder, Piratess. Even though it is them, it does affect us. Hope your day is going well! :)

Girls its amazing how similiar our stories are. I felt just as alone as you were during the 4 weeks I was off taking care of her after her trip to the psych unit. It was tought trying to convince anybody on how bad she can be. But for now the meds she has started on 4 weeks ago seem to help, no more tirades (a couple of weeks ago she started one up, but I got it under control). I have a couple of her meds jotted down. There is one more, here are the two that I have, please note they are the generic names:

DIVALPROEX 250 MG TAB 1 TAB 2 X A DAY
RISPERIDONE 1 MG TAB 1 TAB 2 X A DAY

My mom's next psychiatrist appointment is next Wed, that will be interesting.

Lately she likes to make more and more little messes. If you do something, rearrange something, clean something, she has to be right after it. I told the Homecare worker about this and she did the same thing to her. She had her clean the front window and the next day my mom said she re-washed it, and yesterday the Homecare worker even noticed it and said she scolded her for doing it. I said I did the same things to the things I did, but it really goes on def ears, they do what they want to do.

I find my Mom can be very repetitive. Her symptoms are increasing. For instance, she's undergoing Chemotherapy for Breast Cancer, and lost her hair. The last car ride elicited, must have been 200 times of touching her hair, readjusting that ugly wig, over and over and over. I tried to ignore, but it was beginning to irritate me, seeing it out of the corner of my eye. That's only one example. We won't even talk about her closets and drawers. If only I could be that neat. Hanger spacing, anyone? LOL

Well my mom was always clean and neat but with the underpinnings I know see with hoarding, everything is stashed away in closets and drawers, way too much crapola. Slowly every Saturday stuff is going to be taken to the Goodwill or Salvation army. Whenever you would buy either of my parents a gift they just put it away, what a waste of my effort all these years trying to please, just to have it stuffed away. My mom has been playing around with a container filled with cassettes, she doesn't even listen to music, cassettes, radio, dvd's, VHS tapes, cd's, nor the tv now, what the infatuation is with the cassettes I don't know, seems she's looking for busy work since she's bored, but never wanted to go to Adult Day care. Oh well I will let her do what she wants and try not to get so agitated, after all it is a sick mind I (we) are dealing with.

I hear you on the "crapola," with a capitol C! Having a yard sale tomorrow, to get rid of Mom and Dad's hoarding. Nice stuff, still in the package. Treasures, cheap, come one, come all! LOL

That's just the beginning. Still have huge house, 2 attics, basement, 5 bedrooms, umpteen closets, and tons of cupboards to go...along with antiques, ad nauseum. Should finance something special after all that hard work. It's called: compensation. Yee ha! And I get pretty geeked about the social aspect with our yard sale underground regulars! My one prayer is that my Mom doesn't show up for the sale. This is too small a town for a circus freak show or confrontation.

Oh yeah, don't let her catch you getting rid of her hoard. I guess my mom has not noticed too much on the stuff I have been getting rid of. I have been getting rid of stuff her eyes are not on, such as apparent stuff you see right away. Oh yeah and the whispers and yackty yack a small town can do does not add to solve the situation. I hope you get folks to come, here no one wants to pay any money for anything so you end up giving it away in the end. You have a bigger house than I too clean - good luck. I have only me to clean out my mom's and it is going to be a big job over time. I even need a dumpster for the crap they kept in the garage and behind the garage..silly crap that should have been tossed eons ago. My father used to always say to me he wanted me to come home and help clean the garage and I always said sure but he never set up a time frame to do it. I wish he had, a lot would have been gone now...or maybe not?

The whispers and stares are the worst. I don't plan to give anything away, cept junk. We're talking nice stuff, here. And I have a sale every year. Sometime make $500+ to $1,000.00 on them. Probably not thaaaaaaaat much on this one, though. But as long as the volumn goes away. I'll donate to church, and to our very nice resale shop, and get rid of what doesn't walk away tomorrow. Or...wait till the next big sale day. May even have an auctioneer come in for the pricey items and good furnishings. But that's down the road. Tomorrow, just boxes full. Hubby's picking up a table for me as I type. Got a roast in the crock pot, and he's bringing some deli fixings from afar on his way home from work. Can't wait to see my men (big and small one). And they're helping me with the sale tomorrow, as well. The big guy can handle the guy stuff, and the little guy the lemonade. Kinda cute, huh?

But, if Mom shows up, I'm shutting the garage door. She'd freak if she saw what I'm selling. (Her precious treasures...) Can't take em with her, though, and her apartment won't hold them. Anyway, if she shows up, and gets mad. What difference? She's mad all the time, anyway...

How about some friend volunteers to help you clean? Surely someone wants to be a blessing to you!

Chat later. Hope you all are blessed this weekend! :) Take care

I think that my husband has adult onset of ADD. He asks me the same questions over and over. Had a brain scan, found one; it is normal. So, I wish he had a little OCD to be neater and more organized. I guess we can't put in an order and make our spouses just the way we want them. However, my revenge--- I throw his old clothes out when he is not home. He never even notices. Next, the pile of magazines. Today is our 38th wedding anniversary, so I guess I have to be nice to him today. I do really love him, just wish he was neater!!!!!!
Secret Sister, hang in there. So glad that you are here for us all.
Linda

Oh by the way the comments you gals made on gardening..I found myself doing the same thing. Avid gardner. My parents enjoyed gardening, but since my mom's decline she has stopped even watering the lawns (she had a whole story why she couldn't water the back). I have been trying to rejuvenate them, with the heat in CA it's tough, so they look semi yellow now...since I am not there during the week it won't get watered. I have tried to tell her to water, but I think it did not do any good. I tried to tell her not to go joy-riding around with her caregiver and make her do some work. Yesterday from what I understand they were at the beach for 3 hours...well that was 60 bucks for nothing for that lady to do and sit on her ass. If she does not knock that crap off she will be gone and I will get another caregiver.

My mom's caregiver would take her shopping for 5 hours one day a week. I put a stop to that when she came home one day, breathless, and said that she had to go pick up her daughter and by the way, mom needs a shower. I don't pay her to take the day and shop for herself and use my mom as an excuse. Never took her out again. Just fired her last Sunday and it felt soooooo good. Mom is so mad at me, she asked for her tranqs. Would not give them to her. I told her it was the caregiver or me!!!!! Guess who won that one???
Piratess For the garden--- Can you put drip hoses on a timer? Works great for me. This way I don't have to remember and it really uses less water! When we move I will morn for my garden, but I will have the chance to start a new one. Will take some of my dear friends with me and plant them at the new house.

Sad news. One of my dearest friends is transferring to the West coast. She is my gardening buddy. So I guess moving won't be so bad since she is leaving anyway. This way, I will in the same development as my best friend, but I will miss my gardening buddy!!!!!!

LD...hmmm drip irrigation...I think my b/f also brought that idea up. I will have to re-look at that. I have so many things to think of keeping up my own little house, a b/f that comes over and wants to think everything is normal, and my mothers house and her needs. Between remembering to get her meds and doc appt's. I have been trying to remedy the house, the last thing I need to do is get a new padlock since she cannot find keys and the ones I had made broke off in the darn thing. When I was out for my 4 weeks of FMLA I had gotten the garbage disposal fixed she had a story about why that could not be fixed for the past 10 years - drove me crazy. I got her new washer/dryer...and go figure all the while before her decline I could never touch her washer and dryer...she always told me I don't know how to use them and I would break them..yeah right! I got her a new vacumn cleaner. I bought her a safe so she would stop hiding important papers/money in a million different containers.

Good heads up on what you did with your mother's caregiver. The one my mom has better stop that crap as well as of next Tuesday when she comes again. She will find a checklist typed and tacked to the fridge. I told her I wanted her to do a safety/cleanliness check around the house. I wanted her to make sure the bathrooms were not a mess and neither the kitchen sink nor piles of mess around the house. I told her once that is settled then they could do anything they wanted after. I don't think that is too harsh of a thing to ask.

I have my mother's caregivers change her sheets, fix breakfast and lunch, give her a shower, do her laundry, vacuum, and keep her bathroom clean. They also feed her cat, my dog goes out every few hours, and they make sure that they have water. One of the ladies loves my dog so she even plays with her a gives her treats. It is so nice to find a keeper in all the ones that stink!!!!!!!
I am very lucky that we have a great agency, but it isn't cheap. Thanks goodness mom sold her house!

Well mom is still here. She would not go with the lady that came to pick her up. Then they had me drive her 40 miles to the hospital with the geri/psych unit and they thought they could talk her into coming in. Of course they couldn't. The nurse on duty called the psychiatrist and she said just have the ER here in town pick her up if she gets out of hand. The hospital here doesn't want to take elderly psych patients though so I don't know what they would do with her. She wanted me to take her to town for lunch cause she won't eat anything in the house (thinking its all poison). I couldn't cause I was waiting on the lady to come pick her up and take her to the unit. So she got mad and went to the car and sat for several hours and I could not get her out. I have got to do something quick. I just can't handle her.

What does your lawyer say? Do you have any legal options? Can you have her transported by ambulance? This is a real sticky problem. Hope someone has an answer for you soon. You are in our prayers!!

I do have conservatorship but the hospital where she was at said they were too small and did not have security so they could not pick her up against her will. She said that the hospital closest to us did and they would pick her up and hold her over the weekend for observation. Don't know what would happen from there though. That hospital is not equipped for older psych patients. They don't have the staff to take care of them and they take care of a lot of substance abuse patients that can be violent.

Lucy, don't know where you live, but since it's summer, isn't sitting in a car (in the heat) dangerous? That and the other issues. Won't 911 help? Or does she have to kill someone first? So sad when it comes to this. Praying here, too. Maybe you need Guardianship for incapcitation. You do have looney proof.

We live in Miss. It wasn't as hot as it has been but hot enough. She did have the door and window open and it was on the carport but still pretty hot. I went out and started the car and turned the air on every so often. I called the police once before when she did that but they couldn't get her out either. I usually lock the car but yesterday morning I had tried to get her into the car and she wouldn't so I didn't think I had anything to worry about.
On the bright side she took her meds this morning. She got a good night sleep last night and that seems to make a lot of difference.

lucy,
God must have a special plan for you. You are really doing a great job of caring and keeping your cool. I, not so much! I would have had my mom in a half-Nelson, kicking and screaming! Do you have video evidence of her behavior? A picture is work a thousand words!!!!

In my thoughts and prayers.
Linda

I don't have any video evidence. I do have audio though of her telling me she would slap me "again". I wouldn't be this cool if it wasn't for the antidepressant that I take, lol. Someone would probably be recording me if I wasn't taking the Lexapro.

OK, can you borrow a video camera from someone? Does your cell phone have a camera or do you have a digital camera that also takes short movie clips? It might be worth investigating. Sometimes you can borrow a video camera from your library. Give it some thought. It took videos and many pictures of the recent flood we had that my neighbor seems to blame on us!!! Need to have an indisputable record.
Linda

Dear lucy02, i've been reading the posts and i am so sorry for your predicament. My mom is an angel compared to yours. You are a dear for putting up with her. i pray that you find peace in the midst of this storm. i also wanted to add that i to love to garden. i could spend the whole day in my yard digging and hacking and such. i live in the desert southwest so this time of year i can't garden but come Oct. look out! And Ssister, you mentioned how you suddenly remembered things from the past. You know there were many unhappy things from my childhood that i didn't remember until i moved my mom into my house and then little by little i began to remember things. i think the good Lord helps us heal by bringing these things to mind so that we can deal with them and then forgive and move on. If we keep these things hidden away, even if we don't remember them they affect us negatively. At time's when i feel myself becoming angry at my mom, i remind myself that she can't help for the way she is and this helps me to forgive her. Peace

Yearight, do you have trouble remembering things when you're under a lot of stress? I do. There are things from my teenage years through my early 20's that I can not remember. That's when my mother really started showing symptoms of her disease. My dad died when I was 24 from a heart attack and I'm pretty sure it was because of the stress of dealing with this. I've have dealt with depression over the years and that has given me just a taste of what mom might be going through with her mental problems. I know it must be a living nightmare for her. Mental illness takes such a great toll on everyone.

Yes, mental illness is a drain on everyone around the person afflicted. My husband has been on meds for years. He is a good man, but he is driving us crazy. He seems to be going through a phase of pacing since he has so much energy. I think that he has adult onset of ADD or ADHA. He thinks I'm nuts!! Our friends have had it with him. I hope he calms down this fall when their move to a 55 and over is done. Our turn is next year. At least mom sleeps a lot. Gives me some well earned peace and quiet. Hope you have a better day!
Linda

Oh yeah, Mom does the pacing thing too. She paces and rubs her legs constantly. It does get on a person's nerves after a while. I guess someone else wouldn't understand that. I use to think "why on earth does that bother me so much. It probably wouldn't bother anyone else" but being around that constant excess nervous energy keeps me on edge too. I guess I tend to pick up on other people's emotions. When mom goes to bed at night, its just like a calm comes over the room.

I agree, people do not understand. I guess it is the old walk in my shoes thing. My mom is sleeping and husband is cleaning the basement. Now if I could just get him to cook!!!!!

You do have to protect yourself, so I'm glad you are looking at options. Aging doesn't give us the right to abuse people. Mental illness is not the fault of the ill person, but it shouldn't ruin the lives of all who try to care for that person. I'm glad you can talk with a few caregivers on this site who've gone through the conservator process. It is a lot of paperwork, but you may have to do it.

Take care,
Carol

I actually have conservatorship. I had to get it done to get her in the hospital.

Ah, yes, I see that now. I misread the last note.

Having all of the legal documents in place is going to be very necessary and it's good you are proactive. Keep checking back. We want to know how you are doing.
Carol