How do you care for your parent when they have always had some form of mental illness?

i am so sorry that you are so stressed. i know how difficult it is to take care of a parent with BPD. People with this disorder wont allow anyone to take care of them. It is such a complicated thing. My mom has this disorder. i just except that there are things i can do nothing about. talk to your moms dr. if she is out of control or totally unsafe perhaps she could be declared by a court and placed in a facility. Call home care agencies and see what services are available. Is your mom on medicare or medicaid?Try mental health services in your area, adult protection services. Hang in there, you will find a wealth of knowledge on this site with all the other caregivers.

Dear piratess, my heart goes out to you. I agree with yearight, in feeling sorry for your stress.

I can relate, as my Mom was just diagnosed with "a serious personality disorder," (of unknown variety). So, we're still awaiting further diagnosis. I can relate to both the stress side of things, and the craftiness. I can also relate to a Mom who likes to move heavy furniture (mine has back pain which make it worse). She also like to vacuum - in the middle of the night! I'm finding the illness "comes and goes" with my Mom. She seems to do fine with some people, and in some circles, but does just terrible around me and my family. I don't have a bit of advice, as I'm new to this type of thinking and am looking for answers myself. But just want you to know you're not alone.

I petitioned the court, and was granted Guardianship, and Mom declared a "Legally Incapicated Individual." How sad for her! We have only recently received a diagnosis after a referral to a Geriatric Assessment Clinic. I suspected Dementia, but could get no confirmation. She passed all the tests. When they told me she had a PD, it threw me for a loop. Although, in looking back over a lifetime of ups and downs with her, I can see where they got their diagnosis. She is also being treated for depression. They are giving her some medication for this, and it seems to have made a difference in the way she behaves. Mom seems less angry and combative. That could also be due to the boundaries I have recently been practicing and putting in place for my own "sanity" and stress levels around her.

I was wondering, what is FMLA? Sounds like things get very serious if you have police and paramedics involved at times. Does she end up in ER? I think I'd be feeling the strain from that as you are. What does her Physician say? Is she seeing a competent Geriatric Specialist, and does he/she have a treatment plan? Additionally, I've heard there are support groups for those who have to deal with loved ones with these types of disorders. Have you found one near you? I will be looking for your posts, to see what you find out there.

yearight gave good advice, when she said, "Hang in there." Don't lose yourself while caring for your Mom. There have to be some answers for you and your Mom. So sorry you're struggling. Will keep you, your Mom, and your situation in prayer. Take care of yourself in the process.

Hi Gals,
Oh yes it is something else, she has driven me crazy most of my life and she is not done yet! Yesterday I found her in the garden pulling on plants that are okay instead of weeds....she could not stand that I was starting to take care of the garden and has to have her fingers always over mine. The other day I had a Home Depot bag and some merchandise and the receipt for a return she had the receipt all crumpled up and shoved inside the bag, good thing I found everything. If I don't want something touched I have to hide it from her. She will not go into a nursing home, she says I am trying to kick her out of her house. I went to an attorney and learned about Conservatorship as you have done. But that is a real mess, I am saving that for last. If she pulls another crazy disruptive stunt and not take her meds she's gone! She is sooo stressfull. I have been over there everyday for a month. I have run the whole gamut of phone calls and places and got to many dead ends. The only thing I have is a psychotherapist that comes every week to her..and they just bullshit talk...yeah that's helpful. A social worker who knows her whole story and some in home care help on tues/thurs 4 hrs a day...so let see. I set up her med boxes which she likes to play dumb about, but if she trips up again...it will be conservatorship. She is a very devious person inside, even though people think little old lady!

I can relate to the tricks and such; kind of like a walnut game. What can psychotherapy do for someone with this condition? I heard the answer is, "Not much." So what is the answer? Do you have Guardianship? Hang in there!

Nope not yet, but if it comes down to it I will get Conservatorship.

Oh by the way FMLA...is the Family Medical Leave Act..

By the way, I heard it's not a drive to crazy, but a short walk. I was wondering if you've ever experienced feeling ill from being around your mother? It's hard for me to explain this feeling, but it's something I physically feel when things don't go well with my Mom. Even though she's the one with the diagnosis, her disease makes me "feel" as though something is wrong with me. No one else makes me feel this way. Is that strange or uncommon?

We all get a little ill from stress and sometimes don't even know the cause. So, there is nothing wrong with us when we " wig out" a little. I hear caregivers have lots of stress related illnesses. The trick is to make time for ourselves and to not feel any guilt. I am working on that issue full time!! When you feel tired, stressed and generally out of sorts, look for something that makes you happy. Me, I get on this site, call my daughter, a friend or just go to the library. I love to read, so that is my escape. Mom does too, so she loves it when I come home from the library with large print books for her. Sure has saved us a lot of money. Books are expensive. Want a good laugh? Read anything by Janet Evanovich. She makes me happy. Good night to all and remember, we are all in this together!!!!!

Sister, i know what you mean but it is hard to put it into words. One of my mothers issues is to worry. And i don't mean anything normal. I mean sobbing, and wringing of hands. It is very oppressive. This was one of the things that made me just a shadow of the person i could have been. Because of my mom's fear of everything, and i do mean everything; i was never allowed to do anything as a child. That stunted my emotional growth. But anyway, she still does this and i find myself either hiding to do things out of her sight or i just don't do it. i'm talking about simple things like using a ladder or carrying the trash out or going outside after dark. Oh geez, it could be anything. And when i realize that i am feeling the way i used to feel as a child i could just puke. But then i look myself in the eye and say, "hey girl, snap out of it. At least your not in a padded room drooling and banging your head on the floor." God is so good because he allowed all the negatives to be turned into positives. And he makes me laugh at myself.

lovingdaughter, you're an encourager!

I've been feeling stress for a long time. But that kind of stress is different. I usually end up with a cold or Cold Sore after that type of stress.

But around my mother, the ill feeling is a totally different type. We have the worst time in a car together. I can't just go read a book to unwind. I was driving her to an initial appointment with a new Psychiatrist, only we had to reschedule, because I mistakenly mixed up the time. They preferred we not come today, so I had to turn around mid-journey.

I was thinking, that's OK, because it saved me an hour's worth of round trip driving. But the problem with Mom is, she wigs out while I'm driving, and starts saying stupid or nasty things. I couldn't wait to get her back home and out of my car. It's weird, but she knows I can't avoid her confrontation, so her tirades escalate. Distance is the only thing that relieves this feeling. I wasn't tired, or out of sorts. I just couldn't wait to escape her rantings! She is wicked mean, and started demanding I do such and such for her... (Like I wanted to do anything at that point.)

Earlier, I had called a cab company to take her to the appointment. They want $70.00 each way! I'm the only family around; my sister lives 9 hours away, and public transportation won't take her out of the county, where her appointment is. So I got the lovely duty of transporting her...this time. She may have to go by ambulance the next time she needs something. I don't mean to be rude, but I think I'm busy that day.

yearight, you are an encourager, too. Thanks for your supportive post. I agree, thank God we're not in a padded room. I am thankful for the abilities God has given me to do what needs to be done. Only wish the laughter came as easily as it used to. Life has become so serious as my parent's Caregiver. It's hard watching them decline. I miss the freedom I enjoyed not that long ago. I miss being that joyful wife and Mom, and have to force myself to stay positive, at times. Thank God for supportive friends, my Support Groups, and for this site. Thanks for writing. Take care!

Seems we all have a lot in common here. I know the exact same thing about an over controlling mother with paranoia thrown in...got the same thing. My parents had me almost scared when I was younger to do anything, until I broke myself from that, after my b/f died when I was 25 and saw how life was so short. In the past ten years I have not gone anywhere because I had to go over there every Sunday for the past 10 years after my father died taking her shopping, she would not let you deviate from that day. A couple of years ago I wanted to go to Wisconsin for about 5 days and she blew a gasket called the family in to discuss that like I could not go, unless someone was around only to make sure that there was always someone around for her in case something would happen to her...she was healthy as a horse then. I still went, but after that was not about to go through that assault again. My cousin and his b***h g/f have a big mouth on trying to say I should live with her, even though I have tried to explain what her psyche does to me. In the beginning of those 10 years I gave a lot of time to my mother and her demanding ways since she did not have my father to her beck and call anymore. I started to get sick and have migraines. I went to tons of doctors nothing would help. I finally figured out what it was after 6 months - it was her - once I realized that all my symptoms ceased. Now that I know all this, this last stress full event she has placed me in gave me the same as the previous poster a bad cold and cold sores, less severe than what I suffered 10 years ago. I found a book in the library "If you had Controlling Parents" it is a good read and in many cases very insightfull.

Piretess,

Wow! You should see the cold sore I have right now!!!

But I won't blame Mom, totally. I was months delinquent on a Court document, and it totally stressed me out. The cold sore is the largest whammy ever!

That behind me, I am trying to take back control of my life. Slowly. As Mom's only nearby relative, besides a Dad with Alzheimer's in a Nursing Home, I am her Caregiver. She's a piece of work, though. And I do stress out just thinking about visiting her. I saw her almost every day last week. So tired, and her doctor put me in charge of her medications. So it was a forced visit once a week. She whined and complained so much, and I was so glad to relieve myself of the awful burden, that I gave them back to her. But she needed a ride to Chemo this week. And a ride to see her new Psychiatrist yesterday. That was a nightmare!!!!! (Ever feel like jumping from a moving vehicle you're driving???) It was UGLY! Last night, I was questioning my own sanity. I kept going to this site for relief, but it wasn't coming.

Thankfully, my peace is restored today. Time and distance helps.

Today, my "compassion mode" kicked back in, and I realize she's sicker than sick. Too bad it makes me sick to be around her. She depends on me for money, rides, etc. So sad!

By the grace of God, I will survive this. Sometimes my boundaries slip. And old habits enter in. And my feelings get mangled by her manipulations and mental illness. I'm back on top, again.

Think I'll take my husband along for the next visit. She needs help. Don't know what the answer is, but something has to change. This is "somewhat" new territory for us, in that she was only recently diagnosed with having a "Probable Personality Disorder." Yesterday was supposed to be a follow up on a Psychiatric referral. Silly me, I missed it! Now we have to wait...till the next catastrophe.

Yeah, I had controlling parents. Sad thing is, something's controlling them, too. Either mental illness, dementia, or ??? But I don't want it controlling me. Life is better since I because free of living in "survival mode" with her. My husband is good, calm, and steady. And then there's all the other positives in my life. It's not perfect, but I don't live in constant torment.

Can't imaging what people with that condition experience. It must be hell for them. Being around it can be hell for us.

Thank God for sites like this to vent. Thanks for reading my woes. Take care of you!

Well Secret Sis, yep we have the same woes. My mom before she started the meds would have back seat driver comments, sometimes nasty and unwarranted if someone cut you off or something that usually happens in traffic. She had a big mouth back seat driving for someone who was too wacked out to ever drive a car. She had my dad or me as taxi's. Since she has been on the meds her negativity and some of her paranoia has gone down. I will have to get the meds names for you. Yep it took for my mom to cause some incident after being a psycho to the neighborhood all these years for her to finally be prescribed some meds. My father who was obviously co-dependent to her will never took her, but then again if someone refuses to recognize there is something wrong with them there is no help. After this last incident she would play dumb on how she ended up in the hospital and psych ward, she admitted to a social worker last week, that yes she caused trouble on the street. She was found whining on neighbor's porches with some crazy story she had made up that she could not get ahold of me due to the neighbor across the street ( oh whom she hated shortly after moving in) had me jailed....yeah right....I had taken my answer machine off due to her craziness was driving me crazy for about 2 months prior and could not take the crazy story she had made up about my dad's car's insurances (in which I just took over both cars finally DMV/INSURANCE - but she could not stand that thought in her twisted materialistic mind). She kept stating I did not do it right...all it takes these days is a quick phone call and it is done, she could not accept that...she wanted some crazy part in it...again the materialism which she always had. Never knew how bad her hoarding was recently until I found gazillions of bars of soap. I have so much cleaning out to do. My parents left me a mess in more than one case. Yet they always dumped on me...what hypocrites!

You tell my story, too, Piratess. The back seat driving, and the hoarding. I figured it was Dementia, but they say, no, PD. My sister and I always "said" she was crazy, but didn't realize how right we were. Having an actual diagnosis, at least, makes my suspicions concrete. But I don't have a "type" of PD to pin any blame to. Just a not-so-nice Mom. Here, I've been trying to please a monster. (Or as someone on this site said, "Momster.")

I have to clean out a huge mess in their home 200 miles away. Some days I wish (not really) Mom were in a Psych Ward. (I don't wish ill on her) but dream of relief for me. It's been a long road. Avoidance worked well for the last 10 years. Was I crazy to "volunteer" for Guardianship and Conservatorship? (I figured the sky was falling...) Some days it feels like I am. But, I've survived this long. Figure God gave me brains for a reason.

Just called today, and found a real live contact for a Family Support Group nearby. They emailed me back, and I'll go from there... Thanks for writing.

You hang in there, and keep posting, and I will too. Be good to yourself.

Secret Sis...wow the same mess 10 years same as me. I have not done the Conservatorship yet, that is worst case next scenario. I was going to join a NAMI group but never got around to it, since I came back to work this week after being on Family Leave for 4 weeks. I figured out by myself only recently that my mom had NPD all those years. I happen to stumble upon it around Memorial day and read everything I could on the internet. The best spots where people's blog's themselves...seems the psych community either does not get it or does so I have learned to be leary of folks who want to discount NPD (Narcissitic Personality Disorder).

Piratess,

Thanks for the heads up! And the web info. I think I'll check that out, in my spare time, of coarse! LOL I did some Googling, and pretty much think NPD resonates regarding my Mom's symptoms, as well. It's a rough read, though, and large doses seem to be toxic to my spirit, so I don't like to spend too much time there. Do you know what I mean?

My sister and I have hashed this so many times, that instead of comfort, sometimes it seems as if our constant talking about Mom just adds fuel to my anger fire. The only positive thing talking about it does, is remind me of the "reality" of Mom's problem when I am second guessing myself or doubting my suspicions. (Which is a little too often for my taste.)

I read the book, "I'm OK, You're OK," and never got it, because I really wasn't OK. Living with a whacked out Mom with a mental illness wasn't conducive to anyone's mental health. Without a good guide, I basically raised myself, and none too well. I made a lot of costly mistakes, and suffered for it. I'm so thankful for my healing, deliverance from addictions, and now have a good husband, and home of my own! I hate the pain of the past, and am ashamed of some of my foibles, but it's only by the grace of God that I have been set free from some of that ugliness. (Still have that Mom, though...) Forgiveness is the only answer. And sometimes it's seventy times seven. And I try to be a little gentler with myself, than Mom knew how to be. Sad for a kid to have to grow up like that! < sigh >

I hope you don't have to do the Conservatorship thing, but if you do, I hope your situation is easier than mine. It is a lot of very time-consuming, life-draining work to satisfy the Probate. Highly recommend avoidance if at all possible, as was told me by a very nice Attorney. But, POA doesn't always work, so I bit the bullet. The first year is the hardest, but if you need any help, I can walk you through the worst of it. PS, talk to me first before hiring an Attorney to help you with it.

Hope you have a good night. I have computer issues to address. Will chat with you as able. Thanks for writing. Boy, chatting with you has lifted my spirits. Thank you.

Secret Sis, I did speak with an attorney about this, it seems very messy, but he said in my case with all her incidences it would be easy to prove to the court she is not all there. It's just that she get's assigned a court attorney and have to drag her there and all that mess, but if she becomes incoherent again? Right now playing it by ear. There is much more other attorney stuff I have to look into again due what a co-worker told me yesterday....friggin ridiculous what we have to go through when you have idiots for parents, but they thought they were so much smarter than you....NOT!

Hello Piratess, I just now read your post. Missed the notification. Court stuff is the worst! It complicates life 100-fold. But so does dealing with the medical profession, at times.

In our case, Dad's Physician had been treating him for Alzheimer's for some time, so wrote a letter to Probate saying he needed a Guardian. When a doctor says it, that's acceptable testimony.

I should be sleeping, but battling major Momster issues. I hate nights like this. It's been such a long road...

I can sure relate to this. My mom has paranoid schizoid affective and bipolar. Plus they think she has some dementia. She's 82 and her meds don't seem to be working at all. I am up all night with her tonight. She won't go to bed and I can't leave her alone. Plus my husband has cancer and she is really stressing him out now. I put her in the hospital (geriatric/psych unit) for 2 weeks . She acts like an angel except for one or two small episodes. Then as soon as we get to the car to take her home the nightmare starts again. People think its just a little old lady with dementia. Its not. Shes shrewd, calculating, and manipulative. Now she's refusing her meds..all of them and slapping me when I try to give them to her. She's gotten pretty combative. I bought a tape recorder today and I'm taping some of her episodes cause I don't think the doc believed they were this bad.

Dear lucy02, thank you for your post. Reading your story puts mine in perspective. What a Caregiving angel you must be! My heart goes out to you and your husband. I can't help thinking how all that stress could be especially hard on someone going through Cancer, which is difficult in itself. How can you do it; (particularly when you're up all night with her)? And what qualifies for placement in a geri/psych unit?

My Dad went to one by way of ER, but he was no angel. And neither is my Mom. She's never been accused of that!!! But she does stir up the compassion and sympathies of others. I am using a tiny digital recorder, and have a year's worth of her insane rantings saved on my computer. It makes me ill to even think of replaying them, but keep them "just in case." Many health professionals have told me I don't need to record her, but they really don't understand. Mostly I do it for my own protection, because she's accused me of abuse, and without those recordings, it would be my word against hers. My own sister was doubtful of my recent reports, until Mom hit her in the face, knocking off her glasses. Now my sister is a bit more understanding of me. (She tells me often of the horrors of our childhood.) I strangely have "forgotten" most of that, but not it's lingering effects.

I can sure relate to your Mom's doc not believing her episodes are "that bad." It amazes me how they can fool others (including professionals)! When people dismiss my observations, I tell them to come home with us, and see for themselves. No one has ever taken us up on the offer.

My husband reminded me this morning that this won't last forever, but it may feel like it. I sat, tired, thankful for his attempts to comfort me, but ready to fight the tears and fatigue I feel, after dealing with Mom's latest tirades. Those who haven't experienced it, just don't understand the seriousness of its effects on those who have. I know you do, lucy, and my heart goes out to you.

I asked my sister if Mom could come visit her, and she said, "No, I have a headache that day." Nine hours distance suits her well. But I'm the Guardian/Caregiver, and am starting to assess our options. This is more difficult than I could have imagined! I don't want pity, or "coping mechanisms," but real solutions. (Am I dreaming?) I know drugs can be right for some people, but I'm also seeing where they can backfire, too. My Mom is beginning to refuse going to doctor appointments.

Lucy02, thank you for your reply and tender response. Sending hugs prayer your way. And hope you've gotten some rest. Take care!

Thank you secretsister. I did get a little sleep. Mom was admitted to the geri/psych unit because she was still hearing voices. She was still taking her meds and the lady that I talked to told me she should not be if she was on her meds. She normally does well when taking her meds but not anymore. She has been crying all morning and still refusing her meds.
You mentioned your mom accused you of abuse. Well that's another thing we have in common. She accused my husband of beating her to her Sunday School class and caused a big uproar in church. She's accused me of putting her in the hospital to take her money and buy drugs. They think she's just a sweet little confused lady with dementia. After we got home from the hospital we went to the pharmacy and the sweet little old lady told me that if I didn't do what she told me to do she would run off from me. There's much more than dementia going on here.
I am so sorry for all you're going though SecretSister but it sure helps me to know that I'm not alone. Our situations seem so similar its like talking to an old friend.

Hello dear old friend! Just wish we chatting over a cup of coffee.

This is new area for me. I figured Dementia, and anticipated Alzheimer's one day. But it's only been a couple months since hearing of a Personality Disorder diagnosis. I'm still in shock hearing it! In the meantime, I am inundated with Mom's incessant unrealistic demands and ongoing drama!

You're right, there is much more than dementia going on... It's worse than taking a tiger by the tail, isn't it? So, how did your Mom end up in the psych unit?

I find myself wishing mine heard voices, so I had a legitimate excuse for "evaluation." (Plain old "weird" doesn't get a lot of attention from outsiders.) They simply don't see what we are seeing, or know what we know about the situation.

I agree with you, lucy, it does help to know we're not alone. Praying your rest is blessed. Perhaps you'll sleep better tonight?

Mom started drifting off into her own little world, talking with the voices, even though she was taking her meds. The lady in charge of admitting patients told me should not be hearing voices at all while on meds. Of course when we got there she started acting better. She told them she wasn't hearing voices but then when I visited she would tell me about what she was hearing. She put up a good act. She's worse than before now. Outside of the family and a few neighbors I don't think they believe me. They think its just normal aging confusion. She's behind me now telling our little dog that we're trying to kill him and for him to just tell her if we try to hurt him. Definitely not normal.

lucy,
Good for you. My MIL was a nasty woman who could put on such an act. It took my SIL years to catch on. I would not even let her near our daughter without supervision. Didn't want her to influence our little girl in any way. Good thing we did. My niece, who lived with her grandmother and parents, still has lasting effects due to her grandmother. Sometimes, they can be very crafty. Get the evidence!! Make back up copies!!
Linda

I'm thinking your tape recorder is a good idea! Wow, so sorry you have to go through all this. How blessed your Mom is to have you for a daughter, who is looking after her needs.

I find it strange that they can sometimes turn on and turn off the "weirdness." No wonder others don't believe us. How can a person so demented "control" it at times?

So, do you just drive Mom to the psych unit? Doesn't a Physician, or ER have to do an admit?

Thanks for writing. Take care of you! Are you doing anything special for yourself today, now that Mom's away? I know that writing helps, and there needs to be some "down time," for recovery. I recently discovered my long neglected passion for gardening. It may be only a couple of minutes here and there, but I dream of the "big garden project" while I'm doing it. Sigh. A couple of weeks ago, I hacked back some wildly overgrown bushes in front yard, imagining the neighbors would consider me crazy. It was wonderfully therapeutic! My husband even joined me. LOL Now we have some bright green growth returning, and it looks great. Wonder what I'll hack up next...

PS, lovingdaughter, can relate to "nasty." Thanks for the "back up" tip! Take care, and sending cyber hugs! :)

lovingdaughter, Thanks for the support. My husband says he will put it on the computer so we'll have it when we need it. Hate doing that to her but I don't see any other way at the moment.

secretsister, mom is still here right now. The geri/psych unit is sending someone to pick her up. I just hope and pray she will go. They have told me I need to get her in a personal care facility as they can only keep her 6 more days (after the 14 days they just kept her) due to medicare. I guess I will be trying to arrange that while she is in the hospital. I am so upset about this. I want to take care of her but she just won't let me. The doctor seems to think its something in the "environment" here that's causing the problem. I just don't know what it could be. Other than maybe she just hates me. She's been crying alot this morning and it just breaks me heart.
I've heard that gardening is very therapeutic. I know that I visit a depression forum (cause I suffer from that) and several of them do it. They say it works better than meds. I have several hobbies to keep me busy. I like to paint. I'm not very good but its so relaxing.

My garden is one of my best friends. When we move, we are digging up my prized hydrangeas, grasses, lillys and hostas. They keep me happy and I could never leave them behind. A little nutty sounding, but it is true. Mom feels the same way, so we have gardening in common. We even have raised planters for her to tend in her wheelchair. Get in touch with your self and you will see how many thins you have to look forward to. Good luck and remember, we area all here for you.
Linda