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Im at home for the first time since my Aunt left a few weeks ago? ( Cant even think when they were here) So this is the second time my grandfather has been left alone, he does sometimes get disoriented where he is at in his house ( being blind- even had a neighbor call because he heard him yelling help) and has fallen before.

I'm very nervous to leave him alone but I did so by HIS DEMAND! He is upset with my son and told me take him home ( my son goes every night with me to my grandfathers house and refused to stay home unless I did. My son IS the type to walk outside in the middle of the night to get me... he will walk a distance too. So, I told grandpa Id try to be back but it might be late like between 10pm-12am or so... and he said whatever , then my son started in.. and I said now it depends if I come back on my son. He said whatever go home and rest. I been alone before Im fine, stay home. Im sooo nervous all I can think about is him falling, or yelling for help( refuses to wear life alert and he has it) I cant sleep yet Im so tired.

Am I responsible if something happens because my father is disabled and dying himself? Does all his medical care rest on me? Who appoints me that person? I want to care for him but not be the "decision maker" :

There no papers signed to care for him medically ( I never signed anything anyways)...

His daughter, only has" POA "but nothing else

Dr' s have been saying he should have someone spend nights/ or have more " companionship" and the new one said he shouldn't be alone because his morning pain meds can make him dizzy, but never did they demand or put in writing he needed 24hr care. They talk to my grandfather and he will tell them hes fine and they leave it alone.

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Goodness. At first I thought it was a confusing picture. Now I've re-read twice, I can see that if it's confusing for me, what on earth must it be like for you, Me1000?

Here are the reasons why you should NOT provide care for your grandfather:

1. He doesn't want you to, and there's no clear dementia factor which could mean that his say-so doesn't count;
2. You're undermining your aunt, who has POA. I know you're trying to help her and your grandfather by backing her up; but she is having gently to coerce your grandfather into accepting help, and by filling in like this you make it possible for him to refuse a more formal care plan. I'm sure that's not your intention, and it seems hard to say no, but it will be in his best interests in the long run if you take yourself out of the picture.
3. You've got enough on your plate with your father to worry about.
4. Lastly, though he should have come first, your prime responsibility is to your son, for whom you do absolutely have to be there.

Regarding your incidental question about supporting your father (?): nobody can be forced to accept Power of Attorney. So if you really don't want to be the decision-maker, say a very firm "no" to it when you're asked. You can't just be appointed, so to speak, without your explicit consent and signature on the dotted line.

It sounds as if you're so worried about everybody that you're rushing around from pillar to post. Here is the order of importance:

Son (and any other children?)
You/your own household
Father
Grandfather

Allocate your time in that order. You are a lovely and loving person to want to help your father and grandfather, but there is only one of you and there are only 24 hours in a day. And, besides, other people are formally accountable for their care. Anything extra you do for them has got to fit in to your life.
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Thank you blannie, hugs to you! Its a way to look at it, that they are doing what they want, I know Id want that choice if given one. I hope everything works out for you and your mom. Its not ever easy is it?
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Me1000 I just want to give you a big hug for all of the things you're trying to handle. You've got quite a juggling act going on between your own family, your dad and your grandfather.

What I tell myself about my mom and her refusal to get more help is that she's living life exactly the way she wants to. And so is your grandfather. It's not how you'd choose for him to live, but it's how he wants to live. So just do the best you can to relax (I know it's impossible). When something happens, he may be open to more care (or he may not). But for now, it's his decision and so you just need to take care of yourself so you'll be there for your family and your dad. Hugs.
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bookluvr, I am his part-time giver and beyond that, its actually full time at this point. Just not 24/7 because again, I have my kids and father and still need a job.I know that's why people question why Im not with 24/hrs a day but I cant be.. with my other priorities and I told the nurse/drs this as well as my grandfather. I have told him he needs someone there when Im not because of his disoriented and falls. He refuses! No one has declared him mentally incapable of making decisions yet. That's why I am wondering if or why/how I was responsible for my grandfather because no other family lives here and Im the one handling most everything... I hope everything works out for you and I agree, I wouldn't POA either!

pamstegman, I will call.. they probably will be here for my dad and not my grandpa because my father is worse than him.
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Hospice needs to be in the picture. Call them and explain the situation.
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No one will step in as long as you're there. They assume that you are his part-time caregiver. And that you will continue to handle it as he gets worse. If I was the nurse, I would be wondering why you're leaving the old man by himself when it's obvious he has issues of falling. Just as Everyone here (nurses, doctor, dad's case worker, etc...) assumes that I'm in charge of my father. I'm not. He refuses POA (which I refuse to have anyway) because he's not 'stupid' to give someone 100% control over him and his money. But everyone thinks I have POA or authority. I don't. Sorry...my brain suddenly went squishy. I'll close for now since I'm really tired.
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bookluvr, thank you. He has had a physical therapist and nurse look over his home and asked him questions. They know hes fallen the past and they know I have been there even more( nights ). The physical therapist time ended( for balance) and the nurse still goes once a week and she constantly asks him the days, months, whats going on in life, how he is. etc. But no APS yet. I think if he falls again, whether I'm there or not, the Drs will step in more?

He overall has the will power to live so he takes his pills( he has to be reminded sometimes) most of the times eats, so the Drs see this as good, so do I. But ya, the falling is where he'd hurt himself. My Aunt lives out of State and has tried to sweet talk him into getting more help to " relieve me" or go the the NH. Shes been nice now blunt to the point they argue. I am there nightly.. except two nights, have always fixed lunch and/or dinner for him. My dad used to help a lot when he was well so I could be with my kids. Im there whenever he needs me to.

My dad went to the E.R. this morning because hes extremely dizzy ( last stage of CHF) so Im just blah! Sorry if I dont make sense or am repeating myself. Thanks again.
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Me1000, his daughter who has the POA is the one who is responsible for him. You have the option of calling APS (adult protective service) and ask them if they can step in to help him. Most of the time, they won't do anything until the elderly hurts himself. They might visit and do a check-up but that's all they can do. If they refuse, then you need to back off and wait for something terrible to happen. When that happens, call 911, and his daughter who has POA. Let it be known in the ER or clinic that the daughter has POA, and give them her contact number. She should be doing her duty as POA - taking care of his needs. It's obvious he needs a caregiver. She should be down there, sweet talking him or something into accepting outside help. You can drop by and do a "wellness check" on him to make sure everything's okay.
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Thank you for responding captain, it was nice of you to try to take the strain off! Ill try to get some sleep.
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docs dont even have a magic wand. diseased , old people are going to lose mobility , have falls and eventually die. everyone does whatever is within their capacity but the end result is the same -- decline and death . there are people on here who can give you much more specific options, im just trying to relieve you of the strain of feeling obligated to save someone. the elder is going to die, ill guarantee it .. get some sleep ..
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