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I can relate. Here's my story. Mom and Dad married for 52 years. I am 50. I am an only child and a huge disappointment. 1. Dad wanted 2 kidy, so I am only 50%. 2. Mom didn't want any/ Neither are shy about reminding of this, and oh by the way, divorce would have really been the way to go because I've always been in the middle and am regularly told it is my repsonsibiity as their daughter to solve their marital problems. Their health problems are extreme and Mom is disabled on top of eberything else. Regularly I am told I don't do anything for them, and even though outside help would be covered, they won't let anyone else in the house. Anyone who says "hello" to them is held in higher regard than me. Now my BP is extremely high and 4 meds are not bringing it down. Dr. says the stress from them has to stop. Mom and Dad aren't buying it, and standing up for myself just brings more criticism. My husband is a saint on earth. Praise God above for knowing who to pair me with in this life. I am sorry to know others have 2 difficult parents as well, but now I don't feel so alone. Thank you for sharing your stories. May God bless and comfort you all.
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Liam, been there. Then the guilt. Only good thing is, my parents can't remember the blow-ups anymore. You just reach a breaking point. I get tired of being cursed at, told no, every idea I have is a bad one, everything bad that happens or everything that gets lost, is my fault. I keep telling myself, "it's their dementia", but it's still hard to take. Now the assisted living facility where my parents are living (which is nice, but WAY too expensive), is in crisis and in trouble with the state, so having to find a new place for them to live. It's like having another job, taking care of their needs, finding things for them, etc., much less going to interviews and tours of potential new places for them to live. They are beyond having any reasonable input into the decision, but I know I will be blamed for whatever they don't like about the new place. They have no idea all the problems going on where they live. Not telling them everything, so they don't stress out.

Try this, y'all: Google the National Association of Professional Geriatric Care Managers.
These people are hugely helpful & professional. I've talked to one and felt like 20 lbs had been lifted off my shoulders. They do advocacy, assessment, care mgmt, crisis intervention, information/referral, education, some even do psychotherapy, guardianship, placement & home care help. You put in your zip code and you get a list of case managers near you.
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Liam, No, you're not a villain . But a person with a backbone, self esteem & smart. I didn't want to list 'enabler' so let's just keep it as 'smart'.
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I wish I could help. I came here looking for answers for my own problem. I just had the second "blow-up" with my parents in the past week. I managed to get help for them but they continue to fire them and get rid of them for some reason...any reason...I'll spare you the details but the help was from the Veterans Administration because my Dad is a diabled WW II veteran....I am at my wits end. I told them today to find help for themselves and get their own ride to their doctors appointments....I suppose that makes me the villian.
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There are places which aren't as horrible as the one your brother was in. In my experience, a nursing home for my mother was the only way she could have been cared for given the extend of her care needs. For the sake of your sanity, you might consider looking for quality care, even if it is only adult day care which would provide you some respite. Local Hospice can recommend some palliative care options as well.
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Yes you need to take care of yourself. I am very tired myself. I am a live in caregiver for an 87 year old gentlemen, that has dementia, bone marrow failure, bipolar, diabetic. I like the home to be clean. He use to be that way, but as his health deterioate he refuses bath, more demanding. I love music, so when I get stress I go to the back room and listen or play with my music. Twice a week from 7 to 9"30 I go to karoke I have got really close to these people. That is my stress relief. Everyone needs a little break. Take time off for you. I have thought about quitting too, but when I think of what I know that goes on in the nursing home, I land up backing out. My love goes out to all caregivers, I have being a nurse, a real estate broker, an editor for a magazine. Caregiving is the hardest and under paid job I have ever done. but the most rewarding job I had ever done. Your patient has bad days too, they have to vent to, I do my best now to try to ignore it. If he gets hateful I let him know I will not tolerate his behavior, and I go for a short drive, or outside for a short time, he usually gets in a better mood, I can tell the way he acts that he is sorry. Hang in there. Shirley Ann 60
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2 WEARY:

Keep enabling their endless squabbling and soon you won't have a job, a husband, or a child to tend to for that matter. Why should they try to reach a compromise when they have you fix everything for them? On the surface it seems they are the ones tearing you apart, but the fact is you're putting yourself in that predicament by making yourself available by apparently being the only one who can handle your father; and the only one willing to listen and put up with your mother's "suffering" caused by your father. It also seems the constant bickering is the only thing that gives them a sense of purpose and meaning to their lives.

It's time to review that priority list of yours; or make one up if you never got around to putting one together. Your health, your marriage, and the well-being of your child depend on it.

Keep us posted.

-- ED
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It sounds to me you are in between a rock and a hard place--I strongly would suggest you seek support both in your community as well as online (such as this forum).. If you are the caregiver, and it sounds as though you are-just keep in mind~you have to take care of you as well. If this means taking some 'me time' for yourself-while you parents are being watched--Just Do It, as taking care of yourself means you can provide better care for you parents.....If possible, can you speak to a social worker (on aging) in your area (especially if you feel overwhelmed) -and check out what alternatives you may have..before you fall victim to 'caregiver burnout'??
Good luck !
Hap
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i take care of and they live with me my brother and mother it is very difficult some times. i find no time with myself let alone my husband im so tired out . but i love them my brother never stops talking LOUD he knows everything and is in horrible shape my mother has chf ,diabetes, and so much more not to mention. when i get really burned out i go out side to my garden and work or just take a ride. i hope i never would have to put them in nursing home my brother was there 2 months after open heart triple by pass on wound pumps and it was so dirty in there and he caught a foot infection that i had to treat when he got out these places are horrible so i think i could put up with the stress and work before coming to that .i have lots of family but no one wants to help. so god bless all that care for there familys and i truly know what its like
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I know what you are going through...I thank god that one of my difficult parents has long been gone and only have the one to deal with...it is terribly hard. I am an only child as well, my mother never had friends nor wanted any (Narcissist as well) and the only other person she talks to is her sister. I have a caregiver that comes in 4 days a week for 3 to 4 hours a day and then I stop by on Tuesday and Thursdays after work and then am there on Sat and Sun for 4 hours plus each day. So I know how they drain your life with no remorse...since they can't see past their own skin. You have to fend for yourself...do what is good for them and YOU at the same time. Steal away time for yourself or you will get worn out, stressed out and eventually sick yourself..then they will have no one will they...but they don't think about that do they..just themselves. I guess that's what they older folks do...they go into self perservation mode but at your expense. So all I can say is try to strategize a way that all can be accomodated.
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m sorry, I posted the details first and then thought I was being prompted for a snappy title. So this refers to my first post about being the only child of a 92 year old blind cognitively impaired fall risk with severe CHF and an 87 year old deaf narcissist with dementia and a repaired hip who don't get along. I have 2 part-time jobs, a husband, a child, a life but I'm going to quit one job to help them in there home about half-time because my dad resists care from anyone but me and my mother calls me every hour in crisis mode so I might as well plan to be there every day since I am anyway. I don't see a good solution to this, so I'm really just venting since I'm so angry and miserable about it. Burn-out? That occurred long ago.
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You will have to give us a little more info. Do you have sibs, family member, or friends who can give you a break? Are they living with you, if so, can they live in other quarters? Are they financially dependent on your (or vice versa)?
My best general answer is to take little breaks whenever you can. Try to get in-home help to do things like house work and personal care...then you can have a few hours to yourself.
Burn out happens really fast if you do not pace yourself...good luck
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