Should I care for Dad at home or force him into ALF?

Dusty, if you are sitting on a barstool, you are closer to a criminal cartel than Granny is. LOL

Since my Father refused to put my Mother into a nursing home when she became ill (later died) we decided to take care of Dad in his own home. Between my brother and sister and I..has it been tough, you bet, especially for my sister. I also take care of my husband (100% disabled). It's hard work but for me I would not want to miss what could possibly be their last days. I make sure that I eat a very healthy diet, get daily exercise and take my supplements.

Linda, calm down.

There is plenty of good, factual information available explaining the responsibilities entailed in a DPOA. Re-read it for yourself.

You're trying to provide your dad with a safe environment ANYWAY. You don't need a kick in the pants, or any scare stories, to tell you you want to do that.

If your father's still driving - is he?! Don't think I knew that - he is presumably insured. If his cognitive impairment (or his physical impairment come to that, it's not long since his surgery), renders him unfit to drive you need only inform his insurers. Then you inform the licensing authorities. And meanwhile you remove the keys to a safe place. Then, with his agreement, you sell his car if he has one and let him enjoy having the cash. You can buy an awful lot of taxi journeys for what it takes to run a car.

How's he getting on in the ALF? Hope it's been a decent weekend, though from the sound of it you're none too happy. What's gone on?

I think I have been given some bogus information. my "friends" have told me that a dpoa, I a liable for providing a safe environment. I am told that now that he has been diagnosed as cognitively impaired,if he drives and hurts someone, I will be held liable, whether he is dead or alive. that it will cost all his money, that he will be put in a nursing home, and that we will have to sell the house to pay the state his part of the value of the house. when this all started was when he kinda lost his marbles and started stairing at me and telling me he didn't know what was going on,

and trust me, I will NEVER agree to get him to stay in a nursing. home. im moved out first and let him have the house. he scares me. leaves oven on, roams the house, falls unconscious. breaks bones.

Linda, I hope you're getting a few laughs from all this, albeit hollow ones no doubt. I'm realising more and more (and blushing redder and redder) how idiotic I was to jump in a few weeks back without reading up properly on your profile and previous posts. The only comfort is knowing that you're very good at taking things with a pinch of salt…

Hugs to you, husband and Dad x

it is not advisable to force parents into assisted living or any long term care facility, what you can do is convince him, not force him. Although caregiving for your dad is taking toll on your relationship with your husband, you must weight things so you will come up with the best decision, maybe this tips will help you ease the transition from home to a facility: http://goo.gl/90lHjw

the way i look at it is if my mother was of sound mind and body fit and well today she would still walk over hot coals to help every single one of her children and grandchildren. my two sisters and myself are having terrible rows over mams care, i see their words above in some of the answers for her going into care and they leave me cold. she doesnt want to live in a care home and she deserves the same as she gave to all of us the very best. her and dad made sacrifices every day of their lives for us, she shuffled her job around to fit in with us she gave up lots and now all she asks for is to be cared for and looked after at home. she has vascular dementia but is still fairly independent to biggest committment from us is time and company, she is not a difficult lady, she is inspirational and she is our mam. I hope we manage to sort our differences out and mam is allowed to stay in her own home where she has lived for 50years, problem is sisters are poa and i am not so this is a threat hanging over me every day as we struggle to resolve our issues over care.

Most people in Assisted Living take 6 months to adjust to the facility. There are times that the Facility will ask you not to come visit for several weeks so the patient has time to adjust to their new environment. P.S. God bless you for being such a great daughter to your dad.

Convincing your dad to stay on ALF may be tough and based from your story, I think it is already taking a toll on your relationship with your husband. But in this situation, it is your call to determine if you really need to take your dad home or let him stay in ALF. However, you must remember that if your dad is suffering from memory loss, it means that he can still do daily activities, this kind of condition may require long term care but does not require him to routine and advanced medical supervision that warrants staying in ALF or any other long term care facilities. You may choose home care for your father, where he can still receive medication and care at the comfort of his home, many seniors prefer to stay at home because it provides greater feelings of happiness and enthusiasm compared to ALF. The presence and companion of family members may also help your father in coping up with his disease. Caregiving is a stressful task, this is why home care provides you with the option of hiring a formal caregiving at the comfort of your home, it would also be beneficial in terms of finances because you can reduce long term care cost . Hope this helps :)

awe Linda, your poor Dad is feeling depressed, very sad, dont take it personally.

Ooooooooooooo, Linda, that was such a mean thing for your father to say. Growl. I don't think it merits any response other than "yeah right." It seems pretty clear from what the ALF said that he's just yanking your chain.

No prospect of the wanderer returning? How old? My friend in London's 19 year old cat has just taken herself off and vanished; we have to assume she knew what she wanted to do. And the friend lost her solitary chicken, Florence, to a fox - you can't really keep chickens in London, the foxes have lost all fear of humans and help themselves to pretty much everything.

I hope your dad is really having a great time. If he is, it'll be worth putting up with comments for a while until he gets over amusing himself at your expense. Gratitude, now - I wouldn't hold your breath for that...

Sounds like he is behaving just like a small child. My kids always behaved better for someone else than they did for me. They felt more comfortable testing me. Don't let your dad guilt trip you into bringing him home unless you are 100% convinced that it is best for everyone - you, your husband and your dad. If I read your posts correctly, he has only been in the ALF for a month. I would give him a little more time to adjust, and visit him as often as you can to reassure him that you are not "getting rid of him" .

we had a big blow up. he said the only reason I was buying him this bed, kitchenand tv was to get rid of him. I didn't want him any more. my favority love child (4 legger) disappeared and I don't know who I miss the the most. I called the ALF and they said he was laughing and having a great time... I cam quite crying.

Also making sure my moms electrolytes are good is a major help with her memory and being able to function. She gets weak, bad memory and very combative at night. She also needs alot of sleep to help her being to function better. My mom has Parkinson and these things I stated all affect how her Parkinson does. If any of these are off her Parkinson is alot worse. The coconut oil helps to calm her down and help with the shaking.

I have found that mom needs to be in assisted living for my sanity and her's. She needs to be interacting with other people to do better. It's for her own well being. It's so hard to take care of her sometimes. She has Parkinson and it affects her mind. What I've found to help is coconut oil and making sure her magnesium, potassium and other vitamins are where they should be. Coconut oil is great for their memory!
are great resources to help with problems you don't know how to address. I am all for assisted living and will have my mom going to one soon. It's best for myself and her. Good luck!

Hi Linda - This is only my experience - but, so far, I have chosen to keep my husband at home (he has later stage Alzheimer's). The reason I am doing this is because when my husband was hospitalized for a week and in a nursing home/rehab center for two weeks, I got a taste for what outside care would be like. Not good. Nurses and aids are understaffed and not trained to deal with dementia/Alzheimer's patients. I spent MORE time and was much MORE exhausted making the long trip to and from the facilities trying to ensure he was well cared for when he was in the hospital and the nursing home. Against all the advice of the doctors, nurses, social workers, etc., I brought him home and have been less stressed. Maybe an ALF would be different for your Dad if he has better cognitive and ADL capabilities than my husband. I work full-time as I am the sole provider (other than my husband's modest social security). But I'm blessed to be able to work from home 2 days/wk - and then my husband goes to an Alzheimer's day care 3 days/wk while I'm at the office. Don't get me wrong - it's not easy by any stretch of the imagination, but I'm grateful my husband is well cared for and I will keep him at home as long as I possibly can. Maybe when he is no longer ambulatory, I will have to make a different decision - but, for now, I am at peace and taking it one day at a time.

Maybe this is posted elsewhere and I missed it, but what are Dad's impairments? What makes him need a caregiver? Does he have problems in addition to his failing memory?

Whatever the impairments are, I am willing to bet a pretty high amount (say a five-pound box of deluxe chocolates) that you did not cause them. Do I win that bet?

Countrymouse hits the nail on the head (again) when she points out that it is reality that is behind this situation. We all wish we were all-powerful, and in some ways our culture tells us we should be or should strive to be. But the fact is, we cannot stop our parents from aging. We cannot stop our spouse's dementia from progressing. We cannot keep our loved ones safe from all the woes that can befall humanity. So we have to face the situation and do our best. In your profile you say you would like to feel more confident. So would we all! Courage is not the absence of fear -- it is acting in spite of fear. I think confidence is like that, too. It is not about knowing you have control or can do something perfectly -- it is doing your best in spite of the impossibility of perfection.

Your profile indicates you have issues to resolve with your father. MAYBE you could approach that better as simply his daughter, and not his hands-on caregiver. What do you think?

Whatever you decide, hold your head high for taking this so seriously and giving careful consideration to what is the right thing to do.

daughterlinda, just saw your question. I hired a cna for 3 mornings a week to get mom up and bathed (on toilet because she cannot walk) and occasional weekends for 4-8 hours a day when I can. Moms been here 6 years and for the first almost 4 years I worked fulltime and used a daycare hiring someone to get her up and bring her. (she could walk and talk then) and then when she had a stroke I left my job to take care of her. She would do it for me if it were reversed and she was/is a great mom, loves music and to laugh over mostly nothing, but shes so happy here, you an just tell.

Linda, I'm beginning to think you shouldn't move your dad home. It goes back to the situation not so long ago where you had to be his keeper instead of his daughter. When you've got a sweet little old lady (or even a not so sweet one), or a helpless frail old gentleman, the caring is hard enough. But when you're talking about someone who fundamentally disagrees with you on some pretty key points and is perfectly capable of acting on his own (or at least of making his views abundantly clear)… well, he's never going to turn into some compliant, grateful old poppet, is he? Would you even want him to???

There's nothing more stressful than being responsible for someone without having the real-life authority to enforce the rules. When he tells you to go to hell, what are you going to do about it?

In-home support, no matter how good it is, won't make the all-important difference: it's still going to be you who is responsible for his care. Well. All I know is that my mother's refusal to co-operate drives me up the wall, and she is a sweet little old lady who doesn't talk back - it's all passive resistance with her.

I think "responsibility" is the operative word. If you don't want it, don't get lumbered with it. You certainly don't have any obligation to accept it. Whereas if he's in that ALF that you had all ready for him, you can visit as often as you like and cheer-lead for him. Much more fun for both of you.

Just be very careful, and listen to your husband (that way you can blame him for the decision! - ho ho ho only joking…).

How much help does it take? Are you still working?

What would you want if you were in his shoes, that will give you the answer. i have my Mom with me, I know most wouldnt do it, but thats what I would want and my Mom would do it for me. Yes its hard, yes I hire help, but she is confused and sick and it sure is nice having her safe under our roof. My friends who's parents are in ALF and NA's are running ragged back and forth all the time and dont konw how well they are taken care of. Good luck, its up to you and your Dad.

I have written about the situation with my Mother on this site before. Since then things have gotten a little worse. My Mother is 89 years old, and lives alone in the 3 family house that she owns, she has one male tenant who helps out a little bit around her property, such as shoveling snow. However, he is usually 3 months behind on his rent. My Mother and my brother continue to let him do that. This past year, my Mother has fallen twice, has forgotten 3 times that she had water boiling on the stove, and ruined those 3 pans. She just cut her hand on a broken glass and needed 5 stiches. When she fell, and when she cut her hand, she didn't want to go to the Emergency Room. However, my Cousin talked her into going and drove her to the ER. My Mother talked to the ER Doctor about all the cooking she did for the Holidays (which is true) and made it seem that she is still very capable of living alone. So, no one at the hospital questioned if it was safe for her to be living alone. She survives on toast and crackers, and drinks coffee, nothing else. When she cooked for the family, she didn't eat any of the food she made. She has had digestive problems her entire life, and right now, she has no real appetite. I live 30 miles away, about an hour to her house. My brother lives 1/2 mile away, 5 minutes to her house. This year, he went away to Florida for Xmas for over a week, leaving my Mother to fend for herself. He really doesn't like to be around my Mother, they don't get along that well, so he tries to avoid helping her. My cousin just happened to lose her job, and is now around to help my Mother. However, she told me that I should sell my house and move back to the city, close to my Mother, so I can take care of her. It is so frustrating to live 30 miles away. A few relatives are helping my Mother out, a little bit here and there, but they all think that it's my job to be helping her. I don't see why it's so wrong for other relatives to help out too!

tanx --- and in addition my special needs cats (blind, epileptic) snuck out while the termite tester was here and remains hidden in the field somewhere on in a wolf's belly. headed back out with pics. days 3.

Josie, I am so sorry that anyone has to make these decisions. After only a week, I'm still a little fuzzy but I was able to explain to my dad, who was very proud of his service to our country that, because of this, he was invited to join other veterans for special care. I also embellished our conversation to include his time in our small community as fire chief, etc, and that this was our country's way of showing its gratitude, as he needed, and deserved, a place where he could scoot around in his wheelchair, and had have room in his bathroom, and trained nurses round the clock to care for him. I was surprised how quickly he adjusted and he seemed to relish in the attention. I was so tired, and I think he knew it. It was a time of year with many groups coming in to sing and my dad loved music so that helped, too. I spent many days with him and so did other family members so he had long visits every day. If I could have somehow known he would only live a short time longer I would have probably kept him home.
But he was so arthritic and, with dementia, in and out of reality, that I prayed night after night that he would just join my mom. I just don't know if that would have happened in my home, since he kept thinking he needed to be here to "take care of you." His fatherly instincts just never rested. I tried to help him think he was very needed and invented scenarios to keep him feeling needed. It is so hard to know. He just seemed so anxious and worried the last months no matter what we did to comfort him. And I tried everything. I will forever miss my dad, but I'm glad he had the option in the end to leave his "duties" at my home and choose to pass on his own terms. That's the first time I've said that, but I think it is true. We were so connected that I don't think he would have gone here with me. His last moments were spent listening to me sing....that's probably a good time to go! His funeral was a tribute to his life that it was very very helpful to me and my children. I'd advise everyone to talk it through with aging parents; it was one of the best things I did because he got his final ride atop the fire truck, the naval aviators song, SKY Anchors aweigh, the last fireman's bell, my children reading his favorite poetry and Bible verses, taps on the harmonica, a beautiful obituary, his favorite minister came back to town, and even a B-24 flyover audio. (He wanted the real thing...sorry Daddy) If you plan ahead, it brings a certain amount of peace. I hope this helped, Josie. My husband and I are going hiking today. Fresh air and exercise, which has, as you know been very difficult to include in care giving routine, seem to recenter me. Let me know how you are doing. I really want to help if I can. Peace.

Linda, it's not you who's forcing anything: it's circumstances. Reality is sometimes poo and all you can do is adapt to it as best you can for all involved. It's no easier on you than it is on your Dad. I think what I'm saying is, it's you I sympathise with more - because you're the one who's trying to accept reality and work with it. Eyes on the prize, girl, eyes on the prize. x

he feels its force. now it maybe up to 9 months. he feels its force, so I do. I guess I am empathizing, not sympathisizing. not a good deal..

Why do you say "force" him into a ALF. Did you do any research? The only way you can take care of yourself and your family or relationships, is to let your father move into a facility. There are great places, there are bad places. Would he be self pay? or Medicaid? My dad is self pay, and at level 3 because he has a Cather that requires skilled nurse to change. But they are wonderful to him, and he still has his freedom, but has all of his meals cooked for him, most do the housecleaning, and they have activities, and he would be able to have some social enactment with people his own age. You could still shop for him, take him to his doctor's, etc. It would give you a break. He might not like it, but you do not like everything either. He will let you do for him, and may never thank you, to be honest, he really does not see what you do for him and never will, as long as, you keep doing everything. My father finally "GOT IT" after he had lived in an ALF for about 9 months. You have babies that need there mother to be there for them, if you take your father into your home, you will not be mentally or physically able to give them what they need. Please, visit some ALF, and help your father, but take care of yourself. He can still come over for the holidays and visit his granddaughters.

So don't turn over the check yet, huh? you always have a way with words countrymouse.

Hmmmm… except your rental property doesn't argue with your property managers, does it.

I can certainly see the attraction of delegating the whole process, not least that it creates a cordon sanitaire around the decisions that get made so that you don't land all the blame for them; and I'd also like the sound of an objective evaluation of the options; but don't part with your money until you've asked lots of questions from the nastiest and most suspicious parts of your mind.

I couldn't agree more with Blannie's point - there isn't going to be a perfect answer, and there's no way of predicting how you and your dad will feel on any given day, about all the different possibilities. But maybe you and your husband could work on some red lines that mustn't be crossed, and factor those in? Good luck, I hope there'll be some attractive options soon x

I don't think they're a scam. If you look them up on Facebook, they have a page with a lot of info about senior care and aging. They're geriatric care managers, so are trained in senior care, either through nursing or social work. Meet with them and see what you think. They should be skilled at looking at all of the important factors in helping you decide what's right for your dad. They should also be able to give you some references to call or look on their Facebook page and call some of the people who talk about them on the site.

My mom lives in independent living very near me, but I do everything for her. She can still take her meds and fix the food (heat it up) that I bring in for her. I do all of her business stuff and fix her meds and bring her food (she can no longer get down to the dining room). I do her laundry and take her anywhere she needs to go. It's a lot of work for me, but she has her independence and I have my own life in my own place. This works for us. Good luck with whatever you decide. Just understand there is no perfect solution. Every option has pros and cons.