How do you care for an abusive, bipolar elderly father?

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our 93 yr old father has had bipolar all his life... also narcissistic personality. most of our childhood he was depressed, but occasionally would be excessively happy (manic). classic case.
at this point, my mother has been dead 15 yrs., and we have taken care of him continually since then. my brother & i are POA. We have had more trouble with him because he refuses any kind of nursing care (he can hardly walk, has heart issues and prostate C). last yr we put him in a nice assisted living facility to rehab, and he was so mean, they asked him to rehab somewhere else. He has alienated all of his family except my brother & i. He has insisted on living alone in his home (40 min. from us). we have accommodated his needs all these yrs, knowing how important his independence is... but he expects us to jump when he commands. over the years we have tried to set strong boundaries, but he doesn't comply. he drives w/out a license, and even bought a new car(???) and drives alone to Albany to visit his "girlfriend" (83 yrs). he has had numerous accidents, even hit a pedestrian, wrecked several cars, and falls asleep when driving at high speeds. He falls and even had concussion. His local police and I have a real good relationship over this... but, no one who has authority will deem him incapacitated. he's had 3 psych evals that said he was fine. his primary doc is afraid of him, and his psychiatrist is a dolt who does nothing. our father does whatever he wants when he wants, and doesn't look at repercussions, consequences or how he hurts others. he is clever and smart and is a master manipulator.
during this past christmas, my brother had him stay at his home during the holidays. my father bought a gun (??), unbeknownst to us, and later pointed it loaded at my sis-in-law. he thought she was an intruder. we no longer have him at our houses.
he has money and lets it be known. he's dangled money over our heads our whole life, as my brother & i struggled to make ends meet. his way to control us.
this past year has been the worst yet. going back some: my brother and i were adopted from birth. our father recently told us he never loved us because we are not of his blood. he only adopted us for my mothers sake (she had C, & couldn't bear children). he calls me "Bestia" which is Devil in sicilian. i am disabled and living on SSDI. i am only 58 and can no longer work. i am 10 yrs. divorced from an abusive alcoholic, after 24 yrs of marriage and raising 3 kids alone. i have other health issues from stress, heart attack at 52 and PTSD (marriage). and now this. my father ended our relationship by "wishing me a life of poverty, pain and disability, and to live in the streets of Phila. in the gutter where i came from" .
my brother has also been emotionally scarred by this father. at this point, we haven't seen him or talked to him in 7 mo. a neighbor seems to be taking over his care, and she is angry w/us for not being involved. we don't trust their motives, and he has been very generous w/them w/large sums of money.
we don't know what's going on, but are afraid to get re-involved. we had to freeze some of his assets due to his crazy spending on stupid things. the assets were to help w/end of life care. he thinks i stole his money and tells me how much he hates me. i have it safe for his needs at a later date. he doesn't understand why the money was frozen, and now in another account.
since we haven't dealt w/him in months, our stress levels have lessened, and so have some stress related health issues. we actually even smile now.
some people say we should forgive and get back to caring for him. he needs nursing care for safety & other services, but won't agree to it. Family members tell me that my just face or voice incite his wrath, and that i shouldn't see him for my own safety. in my heart i forgive him, because i understand he is ill, but just can't be around him. i don't think i can care for him and detach. i already feel he's dead... just waiting for the call. i must sound like an awful person. i pray/meditate daily and have close relationship to God... i trust in Him to guide me. i prayed over this for years. i don't love my father. he was never "there" and was always critical and hurtful. When i hit a patch of poverty & couldn't afford food, he bragged about the luxury cruise he just came back from, w/expensive, useless souvenirs for us.
so, in the end, i walked away and it was so hard.... but, i feel if i have to withstand one more abusive person that's supposed to love me... i will crack. BTW i have been in therapy and it helped me so much. but, my biggest fear is rejection or lack of love. i don't feel loveable, and i have to fight that.
hope this made sense. i am anxious to hear feedback from those on this site. thank you for listening.

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thank you JessieBelle for your input. my counselor used to say "run like hell" away from him. doctors used to tell me to take my xhusband & father out of my life or i'll end up dying. i guess i was raised to take care of ppl... growing up in an italian catholic household... the daughter was the one to do it. it's hard to change old negative behaviors, but i am doing it. i haven't seen or spoken to my father since march, and i have no intention on seeing him. i don't feel badly about this, because i have had enough abuse at the hands of men who were supposed to love me. God knows how i feel, and i think he's ok w/my estrangement. i get this feeling during meditation/prayer. but, my love for my father is gone. i pray for him... he's a sick human being. when he dies he will know what happened, and understand why i couldn't see him.
thank you for your compassion. i wish the best for you too. Nlazz
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thank you for responding, treatmenttime. i did call Protective Services last year in his county, and gave all the info, but they said they can't do anything until he's been declared "incapacitated" by a doctor or judge. i was thinking of calling again; as more is going on. good idea!

as for the money... yes, i did accept his financial help 10 yrs. ago when i divorced and my house was in foreclosure. i had no where to go, and he bought my house, so we are co-owners, w/my name first. but, since then, i say i'm doing all right and don't need money, even though i do. i have continued to be his "caretaker" and put his needs first. he doesn't even know me or how i live or about my disability. he never cared. i know how he controls ppl w/his money. at the time i accepted his help, i was in a very bad way, physically and mentally, and still feel guilty for accepting his financial help.
i went to counseling for 6 yrs., to deal w/the PTSD (marriage) and how to deal w/my father. it was a valuable tool, and i did benefit from it. unfortunately, my therapist died, and i did not look for another one. i am mentally more healthy and have changed some of my coping methods for stress, and they're working.

my feelings are that i have a living father that i can't see. i also have to accept that this man never loved his children, and our whole life growing up was a lie. i have understanding about our situation, but my heart hurts. we always took care of family when they were old and dying. i was lucky enough to hold my father-in-law, my mother and my aunt while they died, and i figured it'd be the same w/my father.
there were some valuable things you said, and i thank you for that. Bless you too.
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I understand where you are coming from, nlazz. You cannot put love into the heart of someone who doesn't feel it. Chances are that he does not feel love for anyone. Since he has voiced his preference not to have anything to do with you, and your life may be imperiled around him, I would suggest that you divorce your father and get on with your life. I realize you father is bipolar with all the trappings that go along with the worst cases of it. If he refuses to take his medications, he can be a dangerous person. You don't need to put yourself and children in jeopardy by trying to maintain a relationship that doesn't appear to have ever existed in the first place. Sometimes it is better to cut ties. Don't give him a chance to finish destroying you. Many good thoughts coming your way to replace the bad ones.
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Have you called Adult Protective Services and let them investigate the situation? It can be an anonymous call if you feel better doing it that way, then go from there. They may give him a caseworker, but one thing's for sure, they will dig up the dirt if there is any. The police are limited in what they can do, judges are limited but Adult Protective Services is far reaching, resources are unlimited.
The only way to prevent someone from holding you hostage with money is to not accept the money, period. You'd be surprised how quickly someone who "dangles" the money becomes disarmed when the person the are so sure only loves them for the money refuses to accept it. By refusing the money, in EVERY instance, you have proven him wrong and proven that your affection for him is pure, if there is any affection left. See a therapist or state provided counselor and break the cycle, do it for yourself and your children. If your brother wants to go, let him do it on his own, he is an adult. Show your children that no matter how hard times are financially, that your soul is not for sale, ever.
Bless you!
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one thing i forgot to mention is that we have 2 large files on my father and all his medical, license revocation, threatening letters he wrote, psych evals, police repts...all necessary documentation... and still no medical or court authority will deem him incapacitated. When he hit the pedestrian, and went to court, the judge made an excuse for it, and threw the case out. Albany gave him a new drivers license, even tho' Pa. denied him. we hired an elder attorney, and it costs a fortune, and he did nothing. where do i turn now?
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