Care center folks are coming to the house for assessment Monday. This is so sudden! How do we cope?

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Dad had a really bad day today -- wandering, confused, several accidents with urination, yelling for my Mom already in the early evening, very agitated all day. He has really faltered following a change in meds even though we stopped the new med after only 3 days and returned to the former med -- he was a zombie and his bathroom routine, etc. were totally shot, didn't wake up at all during the nights to use the bathroom and still doesn't. He has been off the new med since Monday but he is still no better. Doctor said it would take about 7 days to leave his system completely. He plopped down on the floor while I was at their house before dinner and we had a difficult time getting him onto his bed. Right after we got him on the bed the doorbell rang -- it was serendipity or a miracle, which one doesn't matter. A friend who works at a care center that provides Alzheimer's care was at the door, out of nowhere. To make a long story short, she called her supervisor and I spoke with her for some time. Representatives from the care center will be coming to the house on Monday afternoon to meet with us and Dad. They'll ask him some questions, etc. and most likely will have us take him there to be admitted. I hope so, but then again I don't want it to be so. My Mom is 83. She feels guilty, doesn't know what she'll do in the house by herself, knows she can't continue to take care of him as he worsens, doesn't want him to be in a nursing home, says he won't want to be there and will miss her because she is who he relies on, worries that their funds will be eaten up and she'll have nothing to live on, etc. I told her that the care center is where he needs to be, that she can't continue to take care of him -- I'm sure he's in the last stages --, that he needs the right people, who know what they're doing, to take care of him. This is so hard! And so sudden. How do we cope?

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Thanks for both of your answers. It seems that urinary tract infections are always brought up in discussions of Alzheimer's confusion, hallucinations, etc. and that's okay, as I know they account for something. Dad has been in a confused state for some time now, and suffering hallucinations for several years. I don't think a UTI has anything to do with it. He'd have had other symptoms over two years if that was the case. He just has Alzheimer's. I want to be able to look elsewhere, to believe that something else might be causing some of his symptoms, but its just not the case and at some point a person has to realize and recognize that it is what it is.
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Maybe he has a UTI and treating that would make him a little better again, but still, he's a bit over the top for a single caregiver to handle, and what happened once could happen again even if you partially fix it this time. Funding can be tricky, Mom is not worried over nothing for that. So make sure they look into and go over all options, veteran's benefits if any, community waivers, initial hospital admission so there is some Medicare coverage initially, Medicaid does have provisions for "community spouse" if no other funding available, and a "spend-down" may need to be started if nothing else is available. Sorry you are facing this. Also, it may go on for quite some time, I would not say this is necessairly "last stages" from what you are describing. See the thread on "How many years does someone suffer from Alzheimer's Disease once diagnosed?" also.
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Dear Virtual, It certainly seems like this was a blessing in disguise. Years ago, my Mom was in a similar situation with my Dad, them living at the shore, and me, a couple of hours north. We were all together at the shore house at Thanksgiving 1999. Dad's Alzheimer's was progressing rapidly, to the point where my Mom couldn't even go to the bathroom without him standing against the door begging her to come out and not leave him. After dinner that Tksgvg, something minor set him off (can't even remember what), and he hurled an ashtray across the room. When a person gets angry like that, they also get unusually strong as well - probably the adrenaline spike. At that moment, I knew I could not leave Mom alone with him any longer. I called 911, and they took him to the community hospital. That was the beginning of the end. He was admitted due to his violent behavior, and also because he had emphysyma and a heart condition. He declined rapidly, and went into a NH just 3 days before he died 1/1/2000.

It is so hard to make that decision, to put a parent in a facility, but it reaches a point where sometimes it is the best choice for all parties concerned, especially if financial circumstances dictate your decision as well. You can't live with Mom, and at 83, Mom is in no condition to bear the physical stress of caring for your Dad any longer. It is heartbreaking, but try to focus on the knowledge that your Dad will get the professional 24/7 management that he needs, and that your Mom will be safe. Of course it will take a period of adjustment for everyone, but eventually both you and your Mom's minds can rest easy. Blessing to all of you as you go through this next stage.
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