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Before you jump to depression know that I am happy. I feel content and joy. I use to be on the edge of OCD when it came to my house. Everything in its place, everything wiped down. Now, I honestly don't care. I don't care if people see the mess. I don't care that I can barely walk through the house. I am happy doing nothing. I know depression. I use to have depression and took meds, got better, got off meds. I need to care. My house it out of control.

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I have been a caregiver since 2005 when my wife had a massive stroke. She is now in the rest home, paralyzed and can't speak...I visit more than once a day. I live with a young female (Elsie the dog) who neither cooks nor cleans house....

Recently our grown daughter came and asked, "Was anybody hurt in the explosion?" referring to the disarray of the house...Like you, I don't care.
I am very cheerful but just don't care. (I do keep a nice yard.)

My goal is to outlive my spouse so she does not get lonely.

I tend to give myself a wake up call now when the clutter gets bad enough and tackle a room a day for a few days and make it somewhat presentable at twilight if the lights are off and I squint.

At 80, I know I am on the last lap of the run of life...It is no longer a race.

By the time the trumpet of doom blares on Judgment day, I'll be close to deaf and complain that the Boy Scouts are practicing again, rather than realize is the Angel of Doom.

Conceivably I'll look into n Clutterers Anonymous (an actual 12 step program.)

Grace + Peace,
Bob
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Actually, depression does not always mean that you feel sad, although that is a common misconception among people who are not therapists and the like. One common version of depression, which I struggle with from time to time, is when everything or at least some essential parts of life seem like too much trouble. The things that seem like too much trouble often vary from person to person or even in the same person from year to year. Some years eating has been among the things that seemed like too much trouble to me most days, and I had to work hard to find food that was easy enough, tasty enough, and varied enough to get me to eat and stay healthy. I was several pounds overweight, so at first I thought this was a great way to diet and loose weight. But as this feeling went on, I realized that I needed to recover some interest in food or it was going to start damaging my health. I had seen a therapist before that had been helpful in overcoming a previous bout of major depression, so I went to see her again to find out what was going on. Like you, I did not feel sad. When I had been depressed previously, I had felt very sad, and I thought all depression involved being sad. It turns out that I was depressed again, but with different symptoms, Just like there are different strains of the flu. My therapist helped me deal with my depression again, and after a while I regained my interest in eating an appropriate amount of food. I did loose some weight this way, but it is a very risky way to loose weight and I do not recommend it. Sometimes insomnia is primarily a result of depression, or loosing interest in friends, family, work, school, housework, not caring about how you dress, any sort of not caring is potentially a sign of depression. And any form of depression that is not successfully treated can become fatal, not just through the obvious mechanism of suicide, but also through neglecting to take good enough care about health or safety. Try hard to find a therapist who can help you or if you do not want to see a therapist talk to your primary care doctor about short term taking anti-depression medicine to see if you are able to start taking good enough care of your house that firefighters could get from room to room in your house if a mouse chewed on an electrical cord and started a fire. Neither you nor area police and fire people need to be put at risk by clutter in your house. And if it is physically too demanding, find out if there are people who can and will help you. Good luck. I am glad you are not also burdened by feeling sad. Now lets figure out how you can work it out so that you live in a safe comfortable home.
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I agree that it is very difficult to remember why the things that used to seem important - high heels, laying the table properly, shiny bath taps, the democratic deficit - ever were important. And I agree that this makes it extremely difficult to find a fulfilling new purpose in life: so much of the workplace seems to be dedicated to trivial, time-wasting nonsense.

But I'm a little puzzled by the apparent contradiction that you say you're happy and content, but you also say you need to care that walking through the house is becoming an obstacle course. Well, when it comes to cosmetic issues I'm with Quentin Crisp - "after three years the dust doesn't get any worse" - but the point at which your environment is impacting on your actual ability to function is the time to get help.

You know depression. Do you know about sublimation, displacement and denial? Are you sure you're not barricading yourself against a return of the OCD? If your earlier success was supported by a therapist you liked, I should look that person up and pop in for a review.
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It sounds like you are just exhausted and maybe the things that need to be done are so overwhelming you don't know where to start. Maybe start by picking one room and picking one simple thing and just make your self do it. This has helped me in the past - I hope you can recover your energy! Take care
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I feel very similar to what you described. I am being treated for depression, and I recognize its role in how I feel. Grief from 3 deaths in my family is definitely a big factor. However, I'm also hypothyroid, and I believe I need a medication change. A recent blood test showed that I'm anemic. Odd at this age I thought. In researching the problem I discovered that anemia not only causes fatigue and fuzzy thinking, but it also causes APATHY. I'm taking a supplement and paying more attention to iron content in what I eat. I'm beginning to feel a bit more normal. Get a blood test to identify any underlying problems that are complicating your situation. Low-grade infections can sap your interest in your surroundings too. Good luck!
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Sounds familiar. Were you a caregiver? Is this not caring something that started as a result of caregiving? What exactly are you asking?
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I know we all have moments when we find life overwhelming. And we stop caring. Its hard to find the joy again. Try to take it day by day. Moment by moment if you have to. And if you feel like it consider seeing a therapist or counselor or additional help.
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I admit I struggle with sadness. When my brother died in 2003 I had this feeling of familiarity, could not place where it was coming from, then suddenly realized "oh right, this is why I've been this way all my life" You see, my Dad died when I was four. I was as close to him as a four -year- old can be. So when my brother died, everything started to make sense. I finally understood the reason why I was always so sad for as long as I could remember. I guess my four- year- old mind couldn't have processed this. So, now fast forward to today. My Mom died almost two years ago and the dark cloud is still there to this day. It just keeps getting darker and darker with every one I lose. I wouldn't call it depression per se. Just a bleak feeling that nothing really is that important.

I used to wake up with a start after having a dream that my mom had died. Then that massive relief when I knew it was just a dream. Now I still have that dream. I just don't get to experience that relief anymore.
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I am so sorry to hear that you are feeling the way your are. You do not mention whether your were a caregiver or not. Do you know when you started feeling this way and what was happening at the time it started?
A lot of great advice above.
It's hard to offer words of advice without any background story. With that said, I have recently started studying the brain, neuroscience, and it's fascinating. What I have realized is we all have the ability to rewire our brains. If you don't like certain things about yourself or you don't like how you are feeling on a daily basis, you have the power to make the necessary changes. One of my favorite books is Change Your Brain, Change Your Life by Daniel G Amen. The power of daily intention and daily gratitude. Just those two things are so very powerful when done daily. It can be that easy, but it's not easy. You need to understand what triggered your current state of mind, decide where you want to your life to go, and then set your intentions to get there. It has taken quite a few months for me to make changes, but the changes have been powerful.
I often wonder how life will be after my mom passes. Then I decided to be the best me I can be now. I live in the moment. Perhaps dementia/ALZ has taught me that. It's a great way to live. Experience each and every moment of each and every day.
I heard a great quote the other day by Kay Lyons: "Yesterday is a cancelled check; tomorrow is a promissory note; today is the only cash you have - so spend it wisely."
Good luck, Take care of yourself.
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Your question is quite intriguing as I'm in the same boat. I have been my Mother's caregiver for 7 years and have managed to keep her home/surroundings in order but when I get to my own room, I just don't have any 'give-a-care' left in me to tidy up. I keep Mom on a regular schedule with meals, in-home activities, t.v. programs and our conversations are generally 'regular' and the don't vary much. As much as I sometimes desire my own guest, I'm embarrassed to invite anyone into my 'room' so my outside interactions have suffered.
Reading your question and the responses to it, I think we both need a little 'Spring Fever' adventure. Give ourselves permission to go visit a beautiful public space on the next sunny day and drink in what it feels like to be surrounded by tidiness and order then come home and make a little difference in our own environment.
An interesting thing occurs to me in reading your question (as I filter it through my own experience) and taking in the responses is that I suspect I'm in that weird emotional place of taking care of another person for a while that I value them above myself and it is being reflected in the environment I allow myself to live in. Does that resonate with you? Well, the responses from this community are a clear indicator that we certainly deserve better than what we are giving ourselves.
Heck, I'm motivated enough now that I may not wait 'til Spring sunshine ;)
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