What do you do when you can't take care of your elderly parent anymore, but they refuse to go to an assisted living facilty?


I've been taking care of my elderly mother for only a year and a half now, but during this time my own health is suffering, and my work has changed to where I am gone 12 to 14 hours out of the day. She uses emotional blackmail, guilt, and even my own belief systems against me to keep control of what happens in my own home. I just can't do this anymore, but she refuses to leave. What can I do? Please help.

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Why does you mother need a caregiver? Your profile says she has vision problems. Is she legally blind? Can she see well enough to be left on her own while you work, or do you have caregivers coming in? Does she have other impairments besides vision issues? If she were to leave, what level of care would she need?

You need to have your mother move out. If you care to provide a little more background information that would help us be specific in our suggestions.
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Agree with all of the answers above - if she keeps refusing you might have to 1) move and not take her 2) evict her.

Hopefully it won't come to that. Keep the topic in front of her (nagging), take her to see some ALF, keep the topic on the burner and maybe she will give in and move. She is only going to need more care as time goes on - so keep the pressure on.
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If your mother is living with you in your home it makes things a bit more difficult. Freqflyer is right. You need to back off and let mom see that you can't do it all. I have a very similar situation with my mom. She lives in her own home but is an hour away. She refuses to hire help, refuses any assistance from anyone but me. When I say no, she tries to guilt me into it. She manipulates and bullies me all the time. Sometimes she backs off for a while but then she's right back to her old tricks. I love her dearly, I want her to be happy and well-cared for but I have finally reached the conclusion that I cannot be her primary caregiver. I want to be her daughter and help her but because of her personality disorder, I could never be her caregiver full time. It sounds simple but it took a lot of soul- searching therapy to admit that. And I still have times when a part of me wants to rush in and rescue. The problem with that is, she doesn't want to be rescued. She wants to be in control of me. So the rescuing never ends.
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Aadams, I see that your mom lives in your home, which makes things more difficult in some ways.

If mom is using FOG (fear obligation and guilt) on you, you may need to seek therapy or counseling to understand how she's manipulating you and how to counteract those feelings.

Do you have POA? Are you paying for caregivers out of mom's funds, as you should be?
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My parents also had refused to move from their house and here they were in their 90's and fall risks. Mom refused caregivers and cleaning help. I did what I could being I was also a senior myself, and still employed. And yes, the stress of all this can ruin your health big time.

What can you do? One has to wait for a serious medical situation or two or three to get the ball rolling.... 911.... rehab.... assisted living.

Try cutting back on things you do for your Mom... the more you enable her, the harder she is going to cling to you and not want outside help. Instead of you doing all the work, Mom can pay for a caregiver to help her during the day.
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