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I'm having to take over finances. She can't qualify for medicaid, but only has enough for about a year and a half in NH. I put my life on hold because she didn't want me to go back to work when she didn't live with me, now I'm trying to finish my education and I'm getting farther and farther behind. Hubby and I paid most of her mortgage for 8 years until her house sold so she could hold onto her life savings, and she's lived with us rent free for a year and a half. She doesn't want to contribute what I feel to be her share of the monthly expenses, and is afraid I'll take control of her money and not let her use it. I feel like I'm a victim of her paranoia and depression, and that helping her was a huge financial mistake. I love her, but every time I try to talk to her about her finances, she avoids it and starts feeling ill or changes the subject. Now her low oxygen and meds are starting to eat into her comprehension. I don't know how long this can go on…I feel like I'm stretched in a million directions. She's always saying she wants to do this or that (read, wants ME to make something happen for her) but never followed up her goals with any action during her life. Why does she keep expecting ME to wave a magic wand and rescue her? I sound hateful, but I can only be in one place at a time…I just wish she understood that she's draining us financially, and if she doesn't start paying us back, all her money will be gone and we'll have nothing to show for the help we gave her.

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I have to stop and think sometimes, would I do that to my own daughter…no I wouldn't!
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Thanks for the moral support, guys. I don't know why I always seem to feel guilty about asking her to contribute when I know in my heart she's been getting a free ride. Why I still feel as if I need to make penance for my teenage days or whatever crap my Dad used to do before he abandoned her with no money is beyond me. I probably should have had it out with her a long time ago, but she gets so emotional (and passive aggressive--that's the maddening part).
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im in an ongoing process of getting completely bugeyed with my 25 yr old son about being financially foolish so im living testament that changes can be made -- when you get sick enough of being abused. im not even about equating money with success, only to the point where you pay your bills and live sensibly and within your means. i always agree with jeanne. mom should be contributing in a wholehearted manner if she has the ability.
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Thanks Jeanne. I hope I can make her understand the need. What stresses me out most is how needy she is emotionally. She never wanted to make any friends, and so I am her complete social life. I have a family of my own and am trying to take my last chance at using my education benefits, but now that she's so sick, it's almost impossible to get my work done. When she moved in with us, she refused to let go of stuff she doesn't need and can't use anymore, like clothes that don't fit, endless kitchen utensils and dishes…all my limited storage is taken up with her stuff. I guess I'm angry…I understand WHY she feels like she needs to hold onto things, but I'm angry that she won't try to work through it and understand that I need my house back, my storage back, my organization, my time…sorry if I'm rambling but I just feel so burnt out.
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The reality is all her money will be gone and you'll have nothing to show for the help we gave her.

It is a serious mistake (in my opinion) to give a parent a free ride so he or she can hang on to their savings, with the expectation you'll get it in the end in any case.

I'm not talking about a parent who is truly broke. But every adult who can possibly do so should pay their own way, or at least contribute what they can.

This will go on until you make changes. Mother isn't going to suddenly offer to pay room and board. Taking in a parent doesn't have to be a huge financial mistake, but the way you have done it is certainly not healthy financially. The good news is that you can make changes. If the main stress point here is financial, correct that situation!
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