Can't find a place for Mom. Any advice?

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I am so frustrated that I cant find a place for mom. My mom really needs a place that can take care of her and her needs but but for some reason there does not seem to be a place nor will anyone help me find one. She is in a place that is horrible and I don't feel safe with her there. I have called everyone only to find the same answer I cant help you. Dept of aging has been no help, the NH where she is at is a joke, they threaten to kick her out but wont find a place for her. I live in another state so I cant move her here, and such, this has been such a challenge that my health is getting bad, but I have to help my mom. AM I the only one in this boat. I need help which I cant seem to get, I am in tears all the time knowing that my mom may die in this miserable place where she is at, Her actions have gotten her here, with her eloping at the NM, and arguing, so my search is difficult. Working with her is a pain, it has to be done now, always now, I have no life, my children dont want to see her because of the way she acts, my husbands is mad at me about her, I work long hours and well I dont have a ton of time nor can I take off, my boss has no heart and well says what is more important the job or family. I am stuck, lost, sad and sick advice?

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Do NOT contact A Place for Mom! They do not provide any valuable service, while charging huge commissions. They will give you list of providers based on area you desire and amount of money you are willing to spend. They will not accurately assess your loved one and/or facility they refer to. They are an internet based company designed to get paid for the information you can find on line by yourself. They will provide you few phone numbers and tell you to call and interview and visit every place you called. And you will have hard time to get rid of them until they get paid... They are sharks trained to chase you and harass you: A Place for Mom is pure marketing company which will hunt you until you signed up for care anywhere and they received cash. And they do not care which facility you choose as long as they get paid. And if you are not happy and move your loved one to another location they will get paid again, and again, and again.....
Indeed, they really affected small group homes business.
Google! Research your state site for local licensed facilities and call all of them!
One more tip: "convenient" does not mean "the best". Look for facility you like, not for the closest one.
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If your mom has been physically aggressive, you'll have a hard time finding a different facility to take her. However, you can work at getting her 'shaped up' so that she could be considered for a move. Talk to her doctor about adjusting or initiating medication to address her negative behaviors. If she can get on a drug regimen that works and stick with it for awhile, she would be able to get a good report from the doctor and you could then talk to other facilities about taking her on. NHs can handle residents who wander, but not many want to take a resident who is aggressive with staff and other residents.
I agree with others that suggest that you don't rule out moving her near you. Call around to a few facilities in your area that accept Medicaid. Talk to your county's office on aging. If she's going to make a move anyway, why not have her conveniently located?
Also, stand firm with the nursing home where she's currently located. If they're threatening to kick her out, they need to know she has somewhere to go. Make sure they know that you are not providing that place.
p.s. – 'A Place for Mom' is simply a clearing house for information about senior communities. They don't do any real legwork or professional consultation. Communities pay them (a sizable fee) for every lead they generate that results in someone moving in to their community.
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You want to start by doing a seach for all facilities in your area, the services they provide(Dementia care, rehab.,) etc., "A Place For Mom" was able to get me a complete list. Then you start calling, I specifically wanted a place that would accept Medicaide so that I would not have to move my Mom once her money ran out. I came up with 2 or 3 that seemed to have what we needed and went to visit them. Get her general Physician involved, he/she can help with getting her admitted. The head of the billing dept. at our NH helped us through the process of applying for Medicaid and made it all pretty easy for us. Hope this helps.
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You may want to have her admitted to a psychiatric facility for evaluation, behavior management and medication adjustment. If you can find one that specializes in senior issues, that will be the best. We did this for my mom when she was diagnosed with dementia and, although we were hesitant, it was the best thing we could have done. They should be able to help you decide on the type of facility that best suits her and they will help find one for her if it is in their area. Good luck!
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I'm sorry you are going through this, but I'm new in this arena and don't have much information to offer. I wish I did.

I've been trying to get my cousin into Assisted Living, since there is no one else who will do it. She burned bridges with people over the years and no one cares to help her now. It's been very difficult. I have googled and found lists of places who take Medicaid and not just private pay. I then call and chat, research them on line and then drop by for a visit. Today we are supposed to go in person for an evaluation. They are just across the street from the hospital, so her health care will be close by.

Is your mom in AL or nursing home?

In my research, I found that there are private agencies you can hire that will do the research and arrangements on your behalf. They charge for this, but I don't know how much. I would imagine it is rather expensive, but it might be worth if they are in the area your mom lives and can take care of things for you.
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Miss Mel, It sound like she has been "blacklisted", which means there is a long record of bad behaviors and/or the family has interfered with her care. At this point, without private pay, her choices are limited to state facilities. You are too far away and your best bet is to let her become a ward of the state. The state can open doors that you can't. As painful as it sounds, step back and let the state take care of her for now. Once she is settled in somewhere, once her medications have mollified her behavior, initiate a phone call. Do not play in to her complaints. I have to tell my sister "talk to your staff". Once she understands that no one will go to bat for her, she will comply with rules. It's a hard road, it's tough love, but it is what she needed.
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I would look at the Medicaid/Medicare Website for a list of approved facilities.GO VISIT in person on various days and time, if they are a decent place they will not mind you visiting anytime..I did this for my mom and found a decent NH I liked..YOU basically have to do the leg work yourself and depend on your own observations no agencies in my opinion will care as much as you do about your mom's care.Keep at it you will find some place you can live with.
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Has she been seen by a geriatric psychiatrist to determine what I is causing her poor behavior? It is very difficult to get a facility to take someone with combative behaviors. To find nursing homes in Mom's area, Google "Nursing Home Compare" You will then be able to go to the Medicare.gov site that lists the nursing homes with their star ratings. The star ratings don't always tell the full story but it should give you a pretty comprehensive list of facilities in Mom's area for free. Good luck.
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I feel like I am headed down that same road with my Dad. I just moved him and my Mom in their first AL place and he is already causing problems. I agree with ElenasEldercare comment about "A Place for Mom." I'm sure they have helped some people, but I didn't like their pushy methods. You can do the research on the net yourself. I started with a geographical area and narrowed down by services, pricing and if they take Medicaid when the money is gone. Then I visited them all and met with the Exec Directors. Some I liked, some not so much. I live in Portland Oregon, so there are lots of choices, which may not be the case where you are.

You don't say why you can't move your mother closer to you. If you decide to move her (which is always hard on them), you might as well move her close to you if there are which would make some things easier, but it will never be easy.
Best to you in your decisions.
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I haven't read all of the answers here, either, but 1 thing that sticks out that I DO AGREE WITH: do NOT CALL A Place for Mom. They were great in the beginning, but they ONLY work with Private Pay facilities, so I jumped that ship about 6 months ago. The BEST use of what little time & energy I've had is my local Alzheimer's Assn. I hope yours is just as helpful. They assigned a Social Worker for me (caregiver) for Mom (84). She's still living with me and I am having a H*LL of a time finding a place for her, too. No help from siblings (2 of whom live in this area), and I just got an email from her PCP who has been very helpful in the past but, surprisingly, has joined the list of Least Helpful People in My World right now. Go to Council on Aging and Governor's Office on Elderly Affairs. Hang in there; I'm crying with you every day, girlfriend, and closer to going into the hosp than Mom is at this point.
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