My husband is in moderate stage AD, but very functional. We have lived in our home for 48 years, but opportunities for socializing are minimal. Plus, he is highly educated (ph.d) and a retired University professor (52 years!), so he is not a good fit for those centers that do crafts, etc. I am wondering whether moving to an upscale 55+ community could be the answer for him to simply have more interactions with people (even if he doesn’t join groups or clubs. It is a big deal for me to move - a ton of work), but the socialization opportunities could be good for me too. However, in addition to the work of moving from a 48 year old home, I am in the middle of renovations because I thought I was staying there for a while longer. It will be a lot more expensive and I know down the line, I may need to afford facility care, which I think I may be able to manage - working on the numbers. I just don’t want to go through all this and it doesn’t help him.
any thoughts would be appreciated.
Other options
1. If you can afford the non refundable entry fee of the cost of a house, then look at a continum of care facility.
2. Find a senior living that starts with IL but has multiple levels of AL and MC. However once MC is required, the spouses will separate to different floors and care costs will increase.
About memory care - dementia is a great leveler. Your husband's education will count for absolutely nothing when he's in severe dementia. My husband's friends in memory care include a former college professor of economics who no longer talks or knows her name. A pharmacist who is slipping into Stage 7 day by day and losing ability to walk. A chemist who worked for an oil company who can't speak, walk or recognize his wife. A television personality who can't recall that his wife visited him today and wanders dangerously all over the place if he's not locked up. Now they all play with busy boxes, complain about the showers because they say they are not dirty, and spit food at each other.
Before my husband went to memory care, he benefited from this community. People knew him from all the neighborhood gatherings and understood that he was slipping mentally. They were kind, caring and helpful.
Do as you wish, but also consider yourself and what you'll be doing when husband is not available for companionship. You might want to be where there is plenty provided so you won't feel so alone. As for moving, there are companies that handle every detail. We see a lot of that here.
Invite your own friends, too. Get together in person or online. It is important for you to take care of yourself.
Start there, rather than making an expensive major change that may or may not work out.
I know this is distressing and challenging. Not how you envisioned retirement. Keep us posted on what you decide and how things are going.
I worked at a Memory Care Assisted Living facility and I can tell you honestly the residents were mostly all former academics. There was a husband and wife doctor team there as well. They'd come to the front desk each evening with pad and pencil in hand, insisting they were moving out the next morning, and how could they arrange a cab? Each evening I told them the same thing: that I'd write down their details and arrange a cab for them the next morning at 9:30am promptly. I wrote down their info and assured them I'd take care of the details. When the lady doctor started to get anxious about their belongings and how they'd get to the new location, I'd assure her "the movers" would handle those arrangements for her after the cab picked them up. That satisfied the dear old couple so they could go back to their suite for the night.
Another gentleman was a renowned attorney in Denver. Another was a highly respected aeronautical engineer. They were all in the same boat together, unfortunately, all with the ravages of dementia stealing their minds.
Dementia is an equal opportunity affliction, it knows no former professions, education's or degrees. It renders everyone w/o a memory or the brainpower to do much of anything anymore. Their world's need to be shrunken down in order to accommodate their new limited abilities so as not to overwhelm them. Senior 55+ independent living communities have way too much going on to appeal to an elder with dementia who needs a much smaller, more contained environment he can feel in control of. An environment that's the same every day. The same activities, the same faces, the same tables and chairs and bathrooms in the same location. He'll feel better and less anxious in such a space, like adult daycare, even if he chooses not to play the "baby games." And he may surprise you and play a game or two, taking the lead when he feels comfortable. Which is a good segue into managed care if/when the day comes that it's required. And it's one less move for you.
Or look into a CCRC community as Grandma suggests. Then you can live in IL if DH needs to move into Memory Care and you can visit him frequently.
Whatever you choose to do, wishing you the best of luck.
I think that you are in denial about your husband being too educated for an Adult Daycare Center. I'm sure at one time(before his dementia he was) but I will tell you from personal experience that most of the people that you will find at these adult daycare centers are former doctors, lawyers, professors, and CEO's of companies, so your husband would fit right in.
You can have your husband there up to 5 days a week and 8 hours a day. They offer breakfast, lunch and a snack and offer all kinds of different activities to keep him as busy as he'd like. So please don't poo-poo this option as your husband will more than likely love it and it will give you much needed time to yourself to get things done and do things you enjoy.
A major move is very hard on someone with dementia as they do much better with routine and a schedule, so I would just stay put for now, get your husband enrolled in your local adult daycare center, and hire in home help if needed until the time comes when he may have to go into a facility.
Dementia sucks and I'm sorry you're having to deal with it with your husband. But please don't be in denial as that is only hurting your husband and you too.
My dad showed signs of dementia at age 89-90. He and my mom moved to a new city and I was concerned how to keep his mind challenged when they didn't know anyone. I searched far and wide for other people or places to take him.
But, in two years, it didn't matter. My dad thought he was seeing train tracks on the floor. None of his intelligence could fight the dementia or hold it back in any way. The dementia won. I wish I had better news.
Have you gotten a Market Analysis to see what your house is worth? And what it will be worth with the reno you are planning? If there is not a big jump in value I might put any big reno on hold.
Taking care of a house is a big deal. The upkeep, the taxes, the monthly bills it is a lot. Add to the taking care of the house you are taking care of a spouse that will continue to need more help. (Not to mention that you are aging and you may need some help in the not so distant future)
The activities that a CCC (Continuing Care Community)offers is a great incentive.
The levels of care that are available is also a great motivator for selecting this type of community.
I guess the best way would be to tour a few in your area or in an area you want to be in. Then sit down with pencil and paper and do an old fashioned PRO and CON list and see what conclusion you come up with.
But while you are thinking about it start your own "Swedish Death Cleaning" and start going through the closets, basement and all the nooks and crannies of the house and doing a Donate, Sell, Discard. If you do decide to remain where you are you will still have accomplished a lot. And if you decide to move there will be less to move and or store. (And the last thing you need is a storage unit that will never be cleared out and will just be another monthly expense)
Have you gotten a Market Analysis to see what your house is worth? And what it will be worth with the reno you are planning? If there is not a big jump in value I might put any big reno on hold.
Taking care of a house is a big deal. The upkeep, the taxes, the monthly bills it is a lot. Add to the taking care of the house you are taking care of a spouse that will continue to need more help. (Not to mention that you are aging and you may need some help in the not so distant future)
The activities that a CCC (Continuing Care Community)offers is a great incentive.
The levels of care that are available is also a great motivator for selecting this type of community.
I guess the best way would be to tour a few in your area or in an area you want to be in. Then sit down with pencil and paper and do an old fashioned PRO and CON list and see what conclusion you come up with.
But while you are thinking about it start your own "Swedish Death Cleaning" and start going through the closets, basement and all the nooks and crannies of the house and doing a Donate, Sell, Discard. If you do decide to remain where you are you will still have accomplished a lot. And if you decide to move there will be less to move and or store. (And the last thing you need is a storage unit that will never be cleared out and will just be another monthly expense)
It is a common misconception that your husbands academic or professional knowledge or IQ is retained as his dementia progresses. From everything I've observed and read, it doesn't necessarily.
If he loses his short-term memory, he won't be able to carry on long conversations no matter what the topic. The activities will need to be more simple and short so that he doesn't feel frustrated and defeated, and can stay on task. He may not be at this point yet but depending on his diagnosis, he may be sooner. You will find yourself being his entertainment committee just to keep him on task.
I wish you success in finding the right solution for the both of you.