Why can't I care for my Mom?

I am a 24/7 caregiver to my 83 year old mom who has lung cancer and fell a month or so ago and broke her hip so she is bedridden now..She was in a hospice facility twice within the last 6 weeks and we was told a couple of times that she wasn't going to live but a few days..But she always bounces back..I am now looking for a nh to place her in because I am exhausted..She doesn'sleep well at night so I have to be alert all the time..You basically give up your life when you take this on so think lng and hard about it first..If you really don't want or can't do this you aren't doing the person or yourself any favors..I'm doing in 24 hours by myself where in a facility there would be three shifts in 24 hours..I get upset because I'm tired an I can't even leave my house and if I do it is hurry and do what I NEED to do and get back..My boyfriend will stay with her for a short while but the only thing he will do is call me to come home if there is an issue..SO I rarely leave..Please anybody considering this think long and hard about it..My boyfriend bought a new house in a new state we moved here in June and my mom moved with us a couple weeks later in fairly good health considerine and she went straight downhill..I feel like this beautiful new home is my prison now..

Those panic attacks just might be your body and mind's alarm bells - because despite wanting very much to do it, and assuming you "should" be able to, and would be able to if only you loved your mother enough, deep down maybe you know full well you can't.

Now its possible it would work out just fine and you just have a bad case of the jitters - sometimes you can't know til you try it - any chance of getting a weekend pass with her to see what its like and answer the question as clearly as possible? Even then, allow for a "honeymoon" phase; lots of times what works for a weekend isn't going to work for the long haul, but at least its a good clue.

Take care of yourself first, get some rest at night. If you bring her home, your panic attacks will increase tenfold. Imagine that someone gave you a job as a nurse, with no aide and you have to work 3 shifts a day seven days a week. Physically impossible, right? Yet that is the prospect you consider taking on. Our Mom is 87. She falls a lot. Six trips to the ER in the last year. Nobody can prevent falls when the patient insists she is just fine.

Bevpet im caring for mum alone with dementia and diabetes in her home its very hard with no help around i have 2 selfish sisters who do nothing IF i had them nearby to help this would be easier but i dont so its not easy without respite! If you can have others help and respite i would say this is doable but alone NO! how can anyone be there 24/7 with no break its just not possible without getting ill yourself! I would think long and hard about this and yes read the posts here I want my mum to stay in her home and die BUT the reality is i will be dead before her with stress. Her tantrums are the worst and yes have caused me some chest pains and vertigo also a TIA last year. Mum was always difficult but a "cherub" compared to now!

We thought we were able and willing but have regretted the decision almost every day my 95 year old MIL has been with us. Before she got here I was a basket case crying every day just thinking about it. She was difficult when she just visited and could care for herself. Now her mind is pretty much gone and we do everything except feed her. All of that would be ok if she would sleep at night, we could reason with her or she appreciated any of our efforts.

This is not the road everyone can take and unfortunately you don't know what you will be up against until it's too late. I have so much admiration for those who enjoy it and seem to be able to deal with it all. I have high blood pressure that is barely controlled with medication and now that doesn't even work. I've had chest pains the last few days from her nightly shenanigans. I hate to see sundown approach. Every case is unique but if I had read this forum before we brought her to live with us she would not be here now.

When you were sharing about your Mum closing the windows, and blinds etc, I could so relate. I must have forgotten so much about my mother, that I do relate too. I am reading so many of the emails in this group it is so helpful.

Bevpet, I have the same panic attacks and sleepless nights, too. My parents who are in their mid-90's still live in their own home alone with no outside help [their choice].

I panic thinking about their future, and I panic thinking about my own future. It's a continuous loop in my brain. For me I know I cannot be a hand-on Caregiver, I am better with logistics.

My fear is that my parent(s) will ask me to move in with them. I know if I did after one week the heat in their home would make me too sick to continue. And I couldn't ask my parents to drop the heat down 10 or 15 degrees just for my sake. I would be opening up windows to get in some desperately needed fresh air, and Mom would be right behind me closing the windows. I would be opening up the window shades to get in some sun light, and Mom would be closing them up. I crave the sunlight.

I guess these panic attacks are the fear of the unknown. Just tell yourself that not everyone can be a Caregiver, and that is what your brain is trying to tell you.
Bevpet ask yourself, are you better trained in those who are working at a retirement home? Do you know CPR? Do you know how to take blood pressure? Are you strong enough to lift an adult from a bed to the restroom many times during the day when that time comes, and it will? Are you ready to survive on 3 or 4 hours a sleep at night?

My cousin's mother lived to be 100 and she refused to move to any type of assistant living. She passed on last year, my cousin is 76 has major health issues that stem from him trying to care for his Mom. Gone are all the grand retirement plans he and his wife had, yet his Mom got to travel the world when she retired.

Thank you for your help. I will read the suggested emails and get back to you, thanks Bev.

It is a big step taking another adult into your home and caring for them. I would suggest you read other forums here about caring for your parents. It can be very difficult and turn your household upside down. Caregiving can be more than many people can or should handle either emotionally or physically.

Despite all the best intentions, not everyone is meant to be a hands on 24/7 caregiver. It is best to realize you might be a better advocate for your Mother and allow professionals to see to her wellbeing. Do you and your Mom get along really well? Are you comfortable doing all the things your Mother might need help with now and in the future? Do you love staying at home and having no social life? Caregiving is a total lifestyle change so think long and hard. Depending on your Mother's age, this could be a 10-20 year journey?

Talk to social services at the hospital being completely honest about your feelings. Allow them to get your Mother whatever in home assistant is available if you decide to bring her home. The more help you have at home the better for both of you. Do you have siblings nearby who will be able to stay with Mom to allow you time away from home during the day or for travel?

Wish you all the best!

Bev, read some of the posts on here about folks attempting to care for dementia patients on their own and you'll understand why your brain is doing you a favor. While your mom will recover from her broken hip, no one recovers from dementia. It's a downward spiral and it becomes MORE difficult to get placement, especially if the patient is at home. Work with the discharge planners at the hospital to find mom a setting that understands dementia and has continuous care so you don't ever have to look for a new facility. And make sure that they hear about the neglect at the other rehab.