I cannot convince my aging parent to move. Any thoughts?

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Hello All,

I have an aging parent that can no longer care for his home and forgets to pay bills. Thank you so much for your time and input. My father immigrated here as an adult and works a part time job. When I visit, his home shows signs of neglect and he is misplacing things. We received calls that he missed paying some bills, he does have the money or from what we can see he has the resources to pay. He is extremely defensive when we confront him about these issues but would not be able to "get by" without our help. How can we convince him to sell his home and move so that his life (and ours) would be better and easier to manage?

He has shown signs of dementia or possibly Alzheimers but refuses to see doctors to confirm diagnosis.

Many thanks,

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Thank you all for your input and support!
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Based on my experience of having gone down the same road about five years ago, I can tell you that if he is determined not to move, you might not be able to do much. Sadly, it could get so bad that if he is so stubborn that it becomes a social services issue and they would declare him incapable and the county steps in. I have seen that happen in some families. I just waited and prayed that eventually they would give in and once they got more immobile and incapacitated, they finally decided to go into assisted living/nursing home on their own. No amount of pressure worked for me in trying to persuade them. It was happening in their time and nobody was going to tell them different.
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LH, geriatric care managers (careful, may be pricey) or maybe a group like the Ursulines would help him. One other option is to collect enough data to set up online banking and just start doing it for him. To be kosher, you should get a financial POA and if you have to do paper checks sign it as your-name, POA for his-name. My parents had online banking and even an e-mail address that they never actually used themselves to facilitate my carrying out POA duties long distance. More documentation was needed for big things like selling the house, and I had to fax copies of my POA papers all over creation, but we made it work for quite a while. I eventually did move Mom here after Dad passed on, but only after it was real clear she would not be able to go live alone in her old home and the advantages to staying with old friends in a more familiar city/culture were outweighed by the advantages of more contact with grandkids and my being there when things finally went bad medically for her too.

Bear in mind his ability to adapt to a new home and hometown may not be ideal either.

Are there other things that would really be a draw for him to live near you? Grandkids? Hobby clubs? A similar part time job or volunteering?
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LH1943, I have been trying to get my parents to move from their single family home, but they refuse to even listen about the wonderful retirement village just down the road..... they said maybe in a couple of years.... Yikes, in a couple of years my Mom will be 100.... [sigh].

It's a generation thing, all my parents siblings lived and died in their own homes, same with their parents, so naturally they have to follow along. Thank goodness my generation we are looking into moving ourselves to retirement communities.... it would be so nice not to worry about maintaining a house, each year my backyard seems bigger and bigger :P

The only way some of us will get our parent(s) to move to a safer location is when they get a sudden serious illness or have a major fall... thus hospitalization, then rehab, then doctor's orders to move to assisted living.
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Thank you for your quick reply. Ideally, my family would like to move him to assisted living either in his state or in mine ( we live ~500 miles apart). He will be visiting me for a few weeks in July, I am hoping he will "humor us" by visiting some facilities near my home, or I will have to make time to visit him and see if I can get him to visit some senior housing in his area.
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Does he have the money to hire some aides? Even a housekeeper? There are resources available to help him stay in his home if he just needs a little help. Will he give you power of attorney? Will he add you to his bank account so that you can pay his bills for him? If you live close enough, you or another family member could go over once a week and check on any bills that need to be paid.

Where do you intend for him to move to? The reason I ask, is because moving him in with you or another family member is not necessarily going to be EASIER. There is an extreme adjustment to having someone move in with you. Emotionally as well as physically. Plus he's still working. Would he be able to keep his job if he moved? A job can be very important to the well being of an individual.

Refusal to see a doctor to confirm a major fear is not unusual. Yes it is a bit of "head in the sand", but it is a human reaction.
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