New to the forum but not to caregiving. I am completely worn out. My 97 year old mother has some form of dementia (Lewy Body has been mentioned but no diagnosis) Mom's hearing is really bad and she's close to being blind, living in an independent living building with caregivers part time. My husband and I organize and take care of everything for her. We are both seniors ourselves and I am very resentful that our "golden years" are being eaten up by my mother. I have one brother who lives across the country and does nothing to help.
Smallish problem keeps coming up but I don't know how to deal with it. My mother wants a particular candy bar that has hard caramel and peanuts. Her teeth are crumbling. We've been to dentists on a regular basis but there's not much they can do to help her. I try to censor what she eats so she doesn't have problems but she gets hold of caramels and other things that wellmeaning people bring her and I have to drop everything and make the emergency dentist appointments when she breaks a tooth. Whenever we go to a store she makes a beeline for the candy bars looking for this particular one. I've managed to steer her away from them, telling her that the stores don't carry them. Even had to intercept her berating a clerk about why they didn't have them and how dishonest the store was to not have them when she saw the candy advertised on tv. Yesterday my husband and I took her to a store, we kept telling her they didn't carry the candy but she spotted one squashed box behind another kind. So she insisted on buying two. The woman is almost blind! How in the heck did she spot them? We've warned her about her teeth and the dentist and she just says she doesn't care. If she breaks her teeth she'll just live with it. The reality is that if she breaks a tooth, she or the caregivers will call me and I will be expected to fix it. She is still cognizant enough to love shopping and feeling independent when we go and I hate to take that away from her. But she's lost the ability to see the consequences of her actions or the burden it puts on us. When we left her yesterday she was chomping down the candy bar, swinging one leg slung over the arm of her recliner grinning happily. How do I navigate trying to treat her like an adult when she acts like a little kid over things like this? I'm living in Dementia World and not liking it at all. Sorry to go on so long.
My dad, too, broke all his teeth at an advanced age with hard candy, had to have them all pulled, and got dentures. He did better with dentures than many do. My MIL just won’t wear hers.
No form of dentistry will be pleasant, nor easy, especially at her age (97!). Also, quite frankly, at that age long-term health and dental quality are not a particularly high priority. Lack of pain very much is a priority, as well as having whatever pleasure is possible. I’ve decided that if I reach my late-mother’s age, I’ll be eating chocolate cake for breakfast every day!
Refusing to eat is virtually a death sentence for them (and they already have one death sentence because they have dementia). If they refuse to eat, the family has to decide whether to keep them alive with a feeding tube. My observation is that mostly they don't use feeding tubes. The patient doesn't know what the tube is and pulls it out or keeps trying to. The patient may have decided before they got to their present stage of dementia that they didn't ever want a feeding tube, and their orders are obeyed. Many of them are on hospice at this stage. At least they are kept comfortable until they die.
Some of the patients there have false teeth. They routinely pop them in and out, at the table and otherwise. Dentures are uncomfortable for many people, but at least those who have them can chew and eat normal food like macaroni and cheese and sandwiches. Unfortunately, because they have dementia, they don't know what the teeth are or even what they are for.
Just my daily observations from the trenches, for those of you who have never been there. Teeth are important, all the way to the end of life.
No visitors to AL will be frisked. Its not a prison.
You can hire a traveling dentist to visit mom in Memory Care every time she has an issue with her teeth. Then she can eat whatever she wants at 97 and be left alone. And you won't have to take her to the dentist yourself.
I'd get her placed stat, and drop her off with a big bag of her favorite candy bars.
Good luck to you.
With aging and dementia, we have to pick our battles, and personally I don't think this one is worth fighting.
Your mother doesn't have much longer here on this earth anyway, so even if she breaks off the remainders of her teeth, I would just leave well enough alone, as why would you want to prolong the inevitable?
Having dementia is a death sentence, so why not allow your mother to enjoy a few of the simple things in life like her favorite candy bar, before she dies, as I'm sure there are not many things that bring her such joy...right?
As Fawnby said to another last week ,
your mother has crossed over the line into
NO MORE HAPPY , ever .
Mom won’t ever understand why she can’t have her way . Dementia World , where it just gets worse , and changes need to be made for Mom to be safe and the caregiver to survive .
Also, it's time to stop taking her out. She may love it, but you don't, and you and your husband count! As you mentioned, you are seniors yourself and you don't like the Dementia World that has been thrust upon you. The thing is, YOU control that world. Not mom. Make it more agreeable to YOU. Outings can be walks around her facility, or in the yard. Or even to a park, if that works. No shopping. I'd be very worried about taking her into stores due to her blindness because in an unfamiliar surrounding, she's more likely to fall. And that would be worse than a broken tooth.
If you can get her hearing aids, do so. Loss of hearing is a large factor in hastening cognitive decline. Work with an audiologist who has experience and interest in elderly dementia patients. Hearing improvement could make a huge difference in dealing with mom.
My husband has severe dementia, and I made it a major project to get his hearing aids replaced. The difference in him was like the difference in night and day. Plus we no longer went out at all once his dementia kicked in full blast. That's just something you'll have to resign yourself to - mom cannot do all the things you used to enjoy with her, so make no mention of it to her; just stop it.
You really are in the driver's seat as to management of her care.
As far as the friends , that’s a tough one , even if you talked to them they will probably sneak it in anyway .
Also , in general would assisted living make things better for you ? Again , your mother’s wishes are just wishes , like the candy .
If moving her to assisted living rather than dealing with all the organizing works better for you , then that’s what you should do . Mom can not make a rational decision of where to live .
It’s about what your mother needs , not what she wants . Nothing about dementia is easy .
How do we deal with the guilt ?
Our mothers sent us to school even if we didn’t want to go . Our mothers told us “ No “ to candy etc . I’d send Mom to assisted living because it’s what she needs . She should not be in independent living with dementia as bad as you described . She needs more supervision 24/7 . You’ve got to get the idea out of your head that she’s independent . You are now the parent , and she is the child .
No guilt. You did not make Mom old with dementia. In order to be guilty , you would have to have caused this . Nor can you fix her.
Hopefully others here have some more ideas for you regarding the candy .
Finally , being burnt out , perhaps you are visiting too often or for too long . Again , having Mom in assisted living with more supervision will let you be more free to not have to check on her as much . It’s peace of mind for you .
But I'm struggling with someone who still has some agency as an adult, but not really. That's probably too confusing but she's an adult but not an adult.
And changing the subject doesn't work. Holy cow, the woman will come back to the subject no matter how many times we change it. Plus she's been on this for months. Reasoning with her does no good.
She doesn't have any other family except me and my husband and very few friends. We had to move her from a place she loved, to be near us because she couldn't live alone anymore. I hate to take one of her few remaining pleasures away from her but damn it, I have to deal with the consequences.
I get the black and white answer to dealing with her, it makes sense but it's so hard and I feel so guilty. How does anybody do this?
“ No mother , eating that requires me taking you to the dentist , which I can not do this week.”
You repeat the above each tIme this comes up .
Send a text to any family members who are liable to begin supplying her , that she is not to eat that candy bar, or any candy . Tell the visiting family to say they didn’t have time to stop at the store if she asks for the candy when they arrive . Then change the subject.
Caregiving has to work for the caregiver .
At some point taking her out will
need to stop , for your own sanity .,