I know this sounds awful, but I don't know if I am grieving. Can you grieve physically and psychologically and not consciously be aware?
When Mom passed, all I felt was relief and still do. I didn't cry, even during the service and at her interment. (I notice my sister didn't either) I don't cry now. I think about her every day (and I try to get out of my mind the awful memory of the way she looked the weeks before and the day before she passed and it saddens me. When she was in the NH, many times I left with tears in my eyes and I thought about her all the time, but dreaded the 80 mile round trip visits sitting there in NH, not being able to communicate with her much anyway. I felt so sad for her, so helpless, so mean leaving her there.
But I don't understand why I have not cried or grieved. I really don't know how I should feel. Am I cruel to feel relief that the 10 year ordeal of her unhappiness, less than pleasant visits, laundry, shopping, complaints, frustration is over. I'm still sad she never appreciated or enjoyed her long healthy life, despite being able to afford a lovely place to live and having both daughters there for her. I'm grateful she left my sister and me a small inheritance which will let us get a few things we need but probably would not have bought otherwise. I'm trying to remember when she was my best friend, and trying to feel that loss. But that person has not been in my life for years, and I hate to admit I don't miss the stranger she was the last 2 years when she finally passed. Not that I didn't love her anyway, but I don't miss the visits etc.
I've been having a lot of health problems, fatigue, body aches, depression, etc over the last year with no diagnosis. Its been worse the past 2 months since Mom passed, in fact I was sick for 2 weeks with crushing fatigue and nausea. The doctor tried me on anti-depressants but they made me sick. She suggested therapy, hinting it is the result of grief and mental fatigue (I'm not ready for that)
I guess the bottom line is, I'm not sure how I should feel. Am I grieving and covering it by moving on with a normal life, but my body isn't ready yet?